Brian Murphy's Articles

5 total in November 2009

  • 8th Grader Sex Therapist

    by Brian Murphy just now
    I'm having trouble maintaining an erection during intercourse with my wife. Do you have any tips to help me perform better?
    Mike F., New Jersey

    I don't get it. Just look at her boobs. Or maybe you're gay or something, I dunno. She's naked, right? Just have her tug at your boner. If it doesn't work, you like dudes. Go have sex with a dude or something. I'll bet your boner will stay.

    I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years, but he's never given me an orgasm. Are we doing something wrong?
    Carol H., California

    You should let him finger you. My friend Ray fingered a girl behind the 7/11 and she came like three times. But Ray says he's really good so I don't know if it will work with your boyfriend. He should still try though.

    I started dating this girl about 3 weeks ago, and she already thinks we were "meant to be." How can I let her down gently?
    Will C., North Carolina

    First of all, how hot is she? You have to ask yourself, "Do I really want to find a new girl to get to second base with when I can already get to second base with this one?" Boobs are boobs, unless they're small. You should only break up with her if she has small boobs.

    My partner and I have been keeping our relationship a secret from my family. Is there any way to tell my dad that I'm a lesbian without setting him off?
    Lacey L., New York

    Lesbians are awesome. If your dad doesn't like lesbians, he's gay. You guys should make out in front of him and send me a video of it.

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  • Work Sucks, I Know

    Issue #20

    by Brian Murphy 5 days ago


    Ever have a sh*tty job that you wanted to complain about in a weekly submission-based column named after Blink-182 lyrics? Send your submissions to worksuxiknow[at]gmail.com!


    I work as a lifeguard at a public swimming pool. One day, while guarding, an old man came onto the deck during a lane swim completely naked. Shocked and disgusted, I managed to spit out, "Sir! You need to be wearing swim wear to be in the pool!." He looked at me like I was crazy and said, "Ya! I know." He then looked down, realized he was naked and ran back into the changeroom. I never saw him again.
    -Gabbie, UWO.

    I work the concession stand of a movie theater. About a month ago, a woman roughly the size of Rhode Island waddled up to my register and impatiently inquired about our weekday $5 deal (popcorn and a drink). I calmly went through the pros and cons of said combo, but when our conversation reached the point of "unlimited refills", she had what could only be described as a "Fat-gasm". Her throat emitted a low pitch "mmmmmm" as her body jiggled a little. Throughout the course of her movie, she came back for refills on both her popcorn and soda 4 times.
    -Anonymous

    When I was 17, I worked at Discount Drug Mart up in Ohio. One day when I was ringing register, a woman with a panicked look came up to get all her items rung out. I then started to smell this foul odor and looked over the register. She had crapped herself and shook it out of her pant leg on the floor. She then acted like nothing was wrong demanding all her items get rung out at that moment. After, I called a stock person up to clean it up. He put a wet floor sign by it, so no one would accidentally step in it. Right after some guy comes over kicks the sign and smears it all over the floor. Whats wrong with people?
    -John, U.S. Air Force
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  • Work Sucks, I Know

    Issue #19

    by Brian Murphy November 10, 2009


    Ever have a sh*tty job that you wanted to complain about in a weekly submission-based column named after Blink-182 lyrics? Send your submissions to worksuxiknow[at]gmail.com!


    Over the summer I worked at a daycare and we took a kindergarten class outside. This one little boy (who is a little crazy in the head) came up to me and goes "I gotta go potty!" Even though we asked if anyone needed to go before we went outside, I promptly took him to a bathroom. Upon looking in I saw he had already crapped his pants and was picking it up (bare-handed) to throw in the toilet.
    -Anonymous

    I worked at KFC while in high school. One day around the holidays, an angry group of people stormed into the store and proceeded to drag an employee out into the lobby and beat him with the Christmas tree. Oh yeah, that employee was a convicted rapist and the mob was the victim's family.
    -Alex

    When I was about 15, I worked at a family restaurant. One day, a woman came in with her newborn baby. She had a high chair and her detachable car seat, but she still insisted that I hold her baby while she went to the bathroom. The baby decided she didn't like lunch and threw it up all over my work shirt. I wasn't given a new shirt and couldn't go home to change. I had to work the next 6 hours smelling like baby vomit.
    -Chris, CSU

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  • Work Sucks, I Know

    Issue #18

    by Brian Murphy November 03, 2009


    Ever have a sh*tty job that you wanted to complain about in a weekly submission-based column named after Blink-182 lyrics? Send your submissions to worksuxiknow[at]gmail.com!


    I used to lifeguard at a country club. One day, an older patron came up to me and complained that the pool was "far too blue." I apologized and offered to "green it up a bit." The patron proceeded to report me to my boss, who agreed that the pool was too blue and my conduct was disrespectful. The next day, the pool was a little too brown, if you catch my drift. My boss sure caught it.
    -George

    I work at a gas station, so I get my share of creeps and perverts on a daily basis. One day, a 60 year old man came in and decided to tell me how his wife had just left him. He went on to tell me how beautiful I was, and how he could use a girl like me on his farm. He asked if any of my friends would be interested after I declined his invitation to "go back to his place after work for some fun".
    -Michelle

    I work at a family owned restaurant, one day I had question for my one of my bosses. I went down to the office and walked in on both my bosses having sex.
    -Kaitlyn
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  • The Mega Man Bosses Have Had Enough

    by Brian Murphy November 09, 2009
    Cutsman: Sir, me and the other robots have been talking.

    Dr. Wily: You aren't developing feelings are you? I don't have time for any Pinocchio sh*t.

    Cutsman: No, no! It's just...we think you're going about this "destroy Mega Man" thing the wrong way.

    Dr. Wily: How so?

    Cutsman: Well, seeing as Mega Man can absord powers, maybe you should make us all the same type so he can't exploit our weaknesses.

    Dr. Wily: Each of you is a unique manifestation of my evil genius.

    Cutsman: You don't see anything wrong with making a "Cutsman" and a guy with rock powers?

    Dr. Wily: Nope.

    Cutsman: Have you ever played "Rock, Paper, Scissors?" It's like that, except with Mega Man using rock powers to kill me.
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Brian Murphy
About Me

I can describe myself in four words....

"Bad at counting."

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