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HAY BETCHES. It’s Coachella y’all, aka Christmas for Hot People. Time to get pumped, tan, and fucked. Leggo.
The 25 Things You Seriously MUST Do at Coachella
1. Inherit a large sum of money from your sweet dead grandfather who cared about your well-being
2. Shit liquid for a week to fit in those jean shorts
3. Post on Facebook that you’re going (or else it doesn’t count)
4. Download the Hype Machine app and pick a random DJ to try to make out with
5. Buy a tent to Instagram pictures of, then book a driver to take you back to the Embassy Suites
6. Arrive with a gaggle of fringe-topped friends, each of whom you constantly fantasize about murdering and/or publicly shaming in the most vitriolic and malicious way conceivable lol
7. Get a fuckin’ flower crown, congrats
8. Insta that shit
9. Prance around with duck lips for six hours
10. Do Molly with Mischa Barton or whoever the fuck
11. Buy a twelve-dollar lemonade and try not to spill it while seated on the shoulders of some six-packed dim shirtless fuck you met in line for gyros
12. Insta that shit
13. Make out with his barely conscious, balding, WAY too tan friend who’s in sales
14. Oh yeah, see a band I guess idk maybe the Outkasts? Or Hame? When’s Calvin Harris?
15. Shove hundreds of people out of the way in order to take eighty blurry pictures of a DJ on a laptop — just to get that one perfect Instagram pic in sepia with a frame and blurred edges like you’re Annie Fuckin’ Leibowitz
16. Go on the ferris wheel and puke up designer drugs and warm seltzer
17. Make out with stumbling sales guy’s sun-chapped lips again during Skrillex
18. Give your mom’s AmEx to a bearded guy in a leather vest who says he books shows for Lana Del Rey
19. Pass out in Jonah Hill’s arms
20. Insta that shit
21. Spend a day and a half in the medic tent, shitting off heat stroke and six different kinds of poisoning
22. Go home (don’t tip the driver)
23. Post an edited pic on Facebook thanking your friends for the best weekend of your life and how you can’t wait till next year with inside joke hashtags and cropping out your fat friend who pissed you off all weekend
24. Tell your mom to order a new AmEx then sleep for four days

25. Mourn your dead grandfather

HAY BETCHES. It’s Coachella y’all, aka Christmas for Hot People. Time to get pumped, tan, and fucked. Leggo.

The 25 Things You Seriously MUST Do at Coachella

1. Inherit a large sum of money from your sweet dead grandfather who cared about your well-being

2. Shit liquid for a week to fit in those jean shorts

3. Post on Facebook that you’re going (or else it doesn’t count)

4. Download the Hype Machine app and pick a random DJ to try to make out with

5. Buy a tent to Instagram pictures of, then book a driver to take you back to the Embassy Suites

6. Arrive with a gaggle of fringe-topped friends, each of whom you constantly fantasize about murdering and/or publicly shaming in the most vitriolic and malicious way conceivable lol

7. Get a fuckin’ flower crown, congrats

8. Insta that shit

9. Prance around with duck lips for six hours

10. Do Molly with Mischa Barton or whoever the fuck

11. Buy a twelve-dollar lemonade and try not to spill it while seated on the shoulders of some six-packed dim shirtless fuck you met in line for gyros

12. Insta that shit

13. Make out with his barely conscious, balding, WAY too tan friend who’s in sales

14. Oh yeah, see a band I guess idk maybe the Outkasts? Or Hame? When’s Calvin Harris?

15. Shove hundreds of people out of the way in order to take eighty blurry pictures of a DJ on a laptop — just to get that one perfect Instagram pic in sepia with a frame and blurred edges like you’re Annie Fuckin’ Leibowitz

16. Go on the ferris wheel and puke up designer drugs and warm seltzer

17. Make out with stumbling sales guy’s sun-chapped lips again during Skrillex

18. Give your mom’s AmEx to a bearded guy in a leather vest who says he books shows for Lana Del Rey

19. Pass out in Jonah Hill’s arms

20. Insta that shit

21. Spend a day and a half in the medic tent, shitting off heat stroke and six different kinds of poisoning

22. Go home (don’t tip the driver)

23. Post an edited pic on Facebook thanking your friends for the best weekend of your life and how you can’t wait till next year with inside joke hashtags and cropping out your fat friend who pissed you off all weekend

24. Tell your mom to order a new AmEx then sleep for four days

25. Mourn your dead grandfather

HAY BETCHES. It’s Coachella y’all, aka Christmas for Hot People. Time to get pumped, tan, and fucked. Leggo.
Read The 25 Things You Seriously MUST Do at Coachella

HAY BETCHES. It’s Coachella y’all, aka Christmas for Hot People. Time to get pumped, tan, and fucked. Leggo.

Read The 25 Things You Seriously MUST Do at Coachella

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How To Tell If He's Interested (When You're a Porn Star on Twitter) »
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Take one pill daily to prevent being a GOOD PERSON.
Read What Conservatives Think Birth Control Is, Apparently

Take one pill daily to prevent being a GOOD PERSON.

Read What Conservatives Think Birth Control Is, Apparently

The world look a little different after you’ve been dumped.

Finish reading What the World Looks Like After Your Bad Breakup

(Source: College Humor)

Time is a flat circle, but so is his heart.
Finish reading Rust Cohle’s OkCupid Profile

Time is a flat circle, but so is his heart.

Finish reading Rust Cohle’s OkCupid Profile

The Ultimate Matthew McConaughey Character Matrix
You done did it, McConaughey.

The Ultimate Matthew McConaughey Character Matrix

You done did it, McConaughey.

We have a show TONIGHT at UCB! Come out and let’s get weird together. RSVP for free here. See you tonight!

We have a show TONIGHT at UCB! Come out and let’s get weird together. RSVP for free here. See you tonight!

The Ultimate Matthew McConaughey Character Matrix »
Assholes of New York »
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