The Internet Oscars [Click for all the winners]
Top that, Roger Deakins.
“Two friends of mine went to see Skyfall last night. Joe owed Jack ten bucks so Joe decided to pay Jack back using the bank payment app on his phone. As a joke, Joe gave the reason for payment sound like a naughty service. However, he didn’t realize that the bank would have Jack verify the payment this morning. Apparently, Jack was being paid for Services Rendered: “Handjob Winky Face.””
REGRET EVERYTHING: You HAVE to Watch This! You HAVE TO! [Click for full post]
In “Regret Everything,” comedian Will Hines gives a weekly update on the thoughts that are gnawing at his brain.
Friends don’t just recommend movies. They ORDER you to watch them.
"Have you seen SkyFall? Oh my God, you HAVE to see it! You HAVE to!”
They grab your forearm. They lock their eyes with yours. This is important. If you didn’t speak English, the tone of conversation would suggest you had just walked by the President without noticing he was trying to give you a high-five.
"Have you seen Argo? Oh you HAVE to see it! Go see it! Why haven’t you seen it?”
This is something unique to media: movies, TV shows, music and books. Friends don’t just compliment it, they desperately need you to have seen it also. They must know that you had the experience they had, or else, it seems, they can no longer be friends with you. You will forever be separated by the emotional gap left by not seeing Looper.
Even though conversations about movies are often just listing scenes:
"Did you see Ghost Protocol, when he ran down the building?” says your friend with an expression of genuine interest.
"I did see that," you reply.
"Wasn’t it good?" your friend asks, still fixated on you.
"Yes, it was good," you answer.
And for the first time in what seems like a long time, your friend relaxes and gazes elsewhere.
No one gets that way with other things, like with sweaters. [Keep Reading]
James Bond Resigns Following 790 Sexual Affairs [Click for Full Report]
James Bond, a longtime agent with the British Secret Service, has announced his resignation after being implicated in a vast number of sexual affairs. He issued the following statement earlier today:
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, and thank you for coming. I am here to announce that I am stepping down from my position with British Intelligence and handing in my License To Kill, effective immediately. The fact is, I willingly engaged in conduct unbefitting an individual in my profession, as I have engaged in inappropriate sexual contact with approximately 790 different individuals during my tenure with this organization, in a variety of locations around the world including numerous boats, moving vehicles, and areas just outside volcanic villain lairs, often times massively endangering myself, my sexual partner, and my mission in the process.
First off, I’d like to apologize to everyone I’ve hurt: To the British government and its citizens, to M, to Miss Moneypenny, and most of all, to my loving wife of more than 30 years, Susan Wertz-Bond. Suzie, you’ll always be my rock, and I thank you for all of your unwavering support during this trying time.
Now, a lot of you didn’t know I was married, and there’s a reason for that: I’m an international superagent who constantly puts myself and those around me in mortal danger. Do you really expect me to go around wearing a wedding band and mentioning my wife willy-nilly when I’m banging villain-mistresses by the half-dozen inside laser-guarded kill-chambers? Sure, if I didn’t love my wife and wanted someone to come kidnap her, I could say “sorry I’m married” and refrain from constant sex with mysterious and often incredibly dangerous strangers, but I’ve never been one to take the easy way out. And yes, this also applies to when I’m off duty and frequent local pubs, and when I banged that Chili’s hostess six weeks ago, and when I slept with my wife’s sister Denise while she was visiting her grandmother in the hospital: The fact is, you just never know who’s secretly an evil double-agent, so it’s best to just never mention your wife in front of anyone, ever. I stand by that. [Keep Reading]