Finish reading The Most Awkward Restaurant Conversation You’ll Ever Hear
Hello friendly neighborhood patron! You may be reading this because you noticed there is no rating from the health department in our window. Now I do recognize that this is a bit of a strange occurrence and may seem like a cover up for a poor rating but I assure you: it certainly isn’t.
We here at McGrooder’s Family Restaurant want you to know that we care about you. And we would never try to hurt anyone in our beloved community. Rest assured that if McGrooder’s were to theoretically receive some kind of random letter grade, let’s say an F, for health code violations then I would immediately shut down the restaurant and fix whatever feces/mold/blood stained seats related problem the restaurant had.
This is a family restaurant, first and foremost. And there is one thing that family honors most: honesty. Now, can I honestly say that our restaurant is always 100% spotless? No. But can I say that fewer than three rats have given birth in our kitchen? Why yes, I can say very confidently that fewer than three female super rats have given birth in the pans where we cook our tomato sauce. And that is something that we here at McGrooder’s take a lot of pride in.
I know what you are probably thinking now: “Why don’t you just put up the grade you got in the window if it isn’t bad?” I am not going to say that we struck a deal with the Health Department that allows us to stay open as long as we put up a personal letter that explicitly states our grade. But I will say that we Find that Family comes First and all of our customers are Family and that Family isn’t about grades; it is about being together Forever. So, say we did get an F rating and the restaurant is currently under investigation for breeding super rats? We know our family wouldn’t let that affect how they felt about us. And that is why we love them.
Let’s face it, everyone finds hair in his or her mozzarella sticks once in a while. And I think we can all agree that it is very hard to differentiate between pizza dough and asbestos that has fallen from the ceiling. And you pretty much have to be some kind of warlock to make sure every dish is clean. Also it isn’t like I go to your house and judge everything you do. If you can rub one out on your couch and eat there too then I can do the same in my booths. We all have to take a moment to realize that we have all ingested at least a small amount of ejaculate at some point or another in our lives. You know that statistic that says you will eat around eight spiders in your sleep every year? Well, the same statistic applies here except the spiders are male ejaculate and instead of sleeping you are having a meatball sub at a local family restaurant.
So, that is all we wanted to say here at McGrooder’s. We value are being able to be open and candid with our customers and make our relationship more friendly than business related. So let’s just forget about this whole thing and make sure to come on down to McGrooders and bring the whole family. We will have a nice hot meal waiting for you and we promise to do something about the overwhelming stench from the dead homeless guy out in the alley.
Best Wishes and Love,
McGrooder’s Staff and Management
Alright, everyone calm down, I’ve got the solution to our trouble right here on my phone. It’s this sweet app called billmaster Pro. I’ll just take a photo of the bill. Then let me just enter everyone’s name, and what you ordered. No, I promise, it’ll only take a second. What did you order? And you? And you? No, it’s way easier! Just go along with it. Alright, while I’m doing this, everyone else needs to download this app too.
Because it’ll send you each a personalized bill! It’s awesome!
Oh, no, it won’t work on Android. But everyone else can use it and we’ll just figure yours out from there. It’s only a $5 app. C’mon it’s not THAT expensive!
Fine! Fine! We don’t have to use it. I’ll just calculate what I owe using this other sweet app I have…
The 7 People You’re Always Splitting the Bill With [Click for more]
Well, I DEFINITELY put in enough money. My burger was $9.50 and I put in $10. That’s MOREthan I owe. Oh, right, I guess there’s tax and tip. I guess I can put in ONE more dollar. Are we good now? Yes, I did have some of the “Uncle Jack’s Giant Plate of $15 nachos.” You know what, just to make things easier on everyone, I’ll put in ANOTHER dollar. That’s two dollars more than I owe. I’m definitely covered now. What? Yeah, I had some beer from the pitcher. What’s your point? Alright, alright, I’m only doing this because I’m sooooo generous…
ONE. MORE. … DOLLAR. And that’s it. I’ve already done too much.
The 7 People You’re Always Splitting the Bill With [Click for more]
Always give it 100%, unless it’s the tip.
Farewell, slightly gentrified, dirty-in-a-couple-parts neighborhood I fell in love with. Hello, sterile, impersonal, fully gentrified neighborhood of today.
I’ll never forget what a cool, character-having but still completely safe neighborhood this used to be back when I was growing up in the aughts (growing from age 24 to 28). There used to be three brunch places, one of which didn’t even have its own Yelp page (but us locals knew how to find it). Now there’s SEVEN good brunch places, and choosing between them is a big ordeal every week, and “Spoon” doesn’t even include a mimosa with their $12 brunch option, and stupid “Oeuf” ALWAYS has a big line even when I get there at, like, friggin’ 3:30. When did my neighborhood get overrun by these Yuppie wannabes INSTAGRAMMING their dumb food while I’m trying to focus on my review for my French Toast Tumblr? Keep Reading
The Brutally Honest Restaurant Tip Calculator [Click for more]
Can we split this article up 4 ways? We all forgot to bring cash.
My Apartment: A Restaurant Review [Click for full review]
Stale coffee. Rubber boots. Those were the scents that welcomed me as I stepped into My Apartment for dinner on a quiet Friday night.
My Apartment truly embraces a “catch as catch can” approach to cuisine. On an off day, one may walk in to find a full refrigerator boasting fresh and recognizable foodstuffs from all of the major food groups. On most days, however, nobody has been to the grocery store in several weeks, and any produce in the fridge is a rotting impulse buy from the local farmer’s market.
It’s days like these that you get the true My Apartment dining experience. And I was lucky enough to dine at My Apartment on such a barren day.
My amuse-bouche was a simple Polly-O String Cheese that I ate “like a bun-less hotdog,” and not string-by-string as string cheese is traditionally eaten. Continue
Very Mary-Kate: Dinner with Hoffman [Click to watch]
Yeah, Philip Seymour Hoffman seems cool with VMK having a boyfriend.
Every Fancy Restaurant Ever [Click for full post]
Hello, my name is Pretentious Waiter. I’ll be the person who tries to guilt you into tipping me more all night. It’s annoying that you’re here. Allow me to shove this extremely large menu in your wife’s face first and now in yours. You’ll notice that even though the menu is the size of a TV, the writing is too small to be read with the naked eye. It’s also written in cursive and many of the words are in French to make you feel stupid. Continue
Jake and Amir: Dinner Joke [Click to watch]
Also, usually Amir eats alone.
The Troll: Subway, Tips, and Punxsutawney Phil [Click for more]