“My new year’s resolution is to stop breaking into song any chance that I SEE NO CHANGES, WAKE UP IN THE MORNING AND I ASK MYSELF, IS LIFE WORTH LIVING OR SHOULD I BLAST MYSELF? I’M TIRED OF BEIN POOR AND EVEN WORSE I’M BLACK MY STOMACH HURTS SO I’M LOOKIN FOR A PURSE TO SNATCH!”
“I resolve to hate Dubstep, then listen to it just so I don’t feel so old and out of touch, then start to kind of like it, then start to love it, then make my life about the promotion of Dubstep music and culture just in time for a new kind of music to become popular and force me to begin the agonizing cycle all over again.”
RESOLUTION: “I want to lose weight and get fit!”
UPDATE: Well, I ordered a bunch of fitness books and home gym equipment off the web. Although it took a couple trips, I got them off the stoop and into the foyer. When we had a dinner party I carried them all down into the basement. Then rainwater leaked in and my wife had me move the boxes to the second floor. Now they’re in our daughter’s closet. I think. Also, I experimented with this thing where I stretched before going to bed and again first thing in the morning.
(Source: College Humor)