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Joan of Arc was the only 16 year old to make good on a threat to overthrow the establishment

The New Testament

God: Hey Jews.

Jews: Hey.

God: So listen, guys, I’m thinking we go in a different direction with this whole religion.

Jews: What?

God: You know, do a non-gritty reboot. Same God taste, new God packaging. That sort of thing.

Jews: We don’t follow.

God: Okay, work with me here, guys. Remember the whole “angry God” thing?

Jews: Vividly.

God: Where I killed a whole bunch of you and-

Jews: Yeah.

God: And forty years in the-

Jews: We remember that.

God: Not to mention Robo-Hitler. Yikes.

Jews: Wait, what?

God: Whoops, forget I said that. “Spoiler Alert,” am I right? 

Jews: …

God: Anyway, we’re going to re-work this whole “God” thing. For example, kid-friendly is big these days in religion.

Jews: So, like…?

God: For example, I’m super chill now, for some reason. Plus there’s a heaven. Oh, and this is Jesus. He’s my son, and he’s God too, or something. It’s complicated, ok?

Jesus: Yo.

Jews: I think we’ll stick with the old one here.

God: Look, I love the brand loyalty, Jews, I really do. But this whole “God” thing isn’t playing to the right demographics. Jesus is a hip, young God, you know, for the whole “A.D.” generations.

Jesus: Surfs up, dudes!

God: Ha, that Jesus. What a character, right? This is going to play huge in Rome…

Jews: This…goes against everything you’ve ever told us.

God: No it doesn’t, so just shut up. Also, Jesus, you’re going to die.

Jesus: What? I thought I was your son! Or God. Or both!

God: Look, this is just complicated, okay Jesus? Besides, you totally return when you fight the Devil.

Jews: Who?

God: Right, he’s another new character. He’s like an evil God. Plot twist, right? We’re arch enemies.

Jesus: Why would you make your own arch-enemy? That’s really stupid.

God: Shut up, Jesus. And what would you know? You’re made of bread and wine.

Jesus: What? Why?

God: Sponsorships, alright? New testaments aren’t cheap.

Jews: I’m sorry, this is just way too different. Is this your fan-fiction or something?

God: Of course not. This is the logical progression of Judaism which I planned all along. Like when I made all those references to a lamb. 

Jews: You made, like, five.

God: Well, they were all about Jesus. Foreshadowing. Um, I guess. So there.

Jews: Couldn’t you have been clearer then?

God: I work in mysterious ways, okay? Look, just go with it guys. I worked really hard on this. And come on, you totally owe me for the whole “creation” thing anyway.

(pause)

Most Jews: Well, I guess we could.

God: Awesome! “Most Jews,” aka “New Christians”-

New Christians: We’re what now?

God: You won’t regret this guys. I have the whole thing planned perfectly.

Holy Ghost: Oooooooooh!

God: …

New Christians: …

God: You’re going to love it.

The Adventures of God

I

God: Noah, all the people of earth are sinners. You alone are righteous.

Noah: Thanks God. Long time fan, first time prophet.

God: So, I have decided to smite the entire world with a flood.

(pause)

Noah: Couldn’t you just teach man goodness?

God: No. I’m thinking “flood.”

Noah: So you’d rather just kill every-

God: What part of “flood” do you not understand?

II

God: Moses…I have seen the plight of the Jews in Egypt.

Moses: Wow. Only after, uh, 400 years there, right?

God: Yes.

Moses: Awesome.

God: I will take you out of Egypt after ten terrible, terrible plagues.

Moses: …ten?

God: Is there a problem?

Moses: It’s just…ten is a lot. For, you know, God. Couldn’t you get this done in like, two plagues max?

God: No. For you see, Moses, I will harden Pharaoh’s heart against me.

Moses: So…you are going to stop him from letting us free from slavery.

God: Yes.

Moses: So you can bring more terrible, terrible plagues upon the people.

God: Yes.

Moses: And you see nothing wrong with this picture?

God: … 

Moses: Are there any other Gods up there I can talk to?



III

Mary: Did you send the child support?

God: Frankincense and myrrh. Yeah.

Mary  Annnnnd?

God: (sighs). And gold. And the gold.

Mary: That’s better.



IV

Job: …

God: Well, this is awkward.



V

God: Abraham, you must circumcise yourself.

Abraham: As you wish, my lord.

God: Oh my Me. He’s totally going to do it.

Watch —> The Tetris God

(Source: College Humor)

Don’t talk to me until I’ve said my morning prayer to the Coffee Gods.

Finish reading —> If The Things You Did Religiously Had Their Own Religion

Adam and Eve were the ORIGINAL hipsters. 

Finish reading —> Three Readings from the Hipster Bible

watch some of the illustrator, Caldwell Tanner’s new YouTube channel —> The Drawfee Show

Bishops Agree That What the What?!

Bishops Agree That What the What?!

(Source: reddit.com)

The perfect novel for candlelight reading on your spaceship … far away from the light of any stars.

The perfect novel for candlelight reading on your spaceship … far away from the light of any stars.

(Source: reddit.com)

So Jesus and Colonel Sanders Walk into a Bar…
"So… is meat actually murder? Asking for a friend."

So Jesus and Colonel Sanders Walk into a Bar…

"So… is meat actually murder? Asking for a friend."

(Source: reddit.com)

This Is What Happens When Truth Or Dare Goes Too Far.

Three girls reveal more than they thought they would.

Remember when Da Vinci actually used to be FUNNY??

Finish reading Internet Commenters Throughout History

Did someone say “America”?

(Source: reddit.com)

Together, they are truly the highest holiday.

Finish reading 6 Reasons Easter and 420 Are Actually the Same Holiday

Darth Seder

Join us as we celebrate the world’s coolest religion, next to Jedi of course.

(Source: youtube.com)

Pope Francis Talks About His Time as a Bouncer

Jesus Christ, that’s one badass pope.

(Source: youtube.com)

Which God do you bow to?

Finish reading The 13 Gods of the Internet Pantheon