“Joan of Arc was the only 16 year old to make good on a threat to overthrow the establishment”
God: Hey Jews.
God: So listen, guys, I’m thinking we go in a different direction with this whole religion.
God: You know, do a non-gritty reboot. Same God taste, new God packaging. That sort of thing.
Jews: We don’t follow.
God: Okay, work with me here, guys. Remember the whole “angry God” thing?
God: Where I killed a whole bunch of you and-
God: And forty years in the-
Jews: We remember that.
God: Not to mention Robo-Hitler. Yikes.
Jews: Wait, what?
God: Whoops, forget I said that. “Spoiler Alert,” am I right?
God: Anyway, we’re going to re-work this whole “God” thing. For example, kid-friendly is big these days in religion.
Jews: So, like…?
God: For example, I’m super chill now, for some reason. Plus there’s a heaven. Oh, and this is Jesus. He’s my son, and he’s God too, or something. It’s complicated, ok?
Jews: I think we’ll stick with the old one here.
God: Look, I love the brand loyalty, Jews, I really do. But this whole “God” thing isn’t playing to the right demographics. Jesus is a hip, young God, you know, for the whole “A.D.” generations.
Jesus: Surfs up, dudes!
God: Ha, that Jesus. What a character, right? This is going to play huge in Rome…
Jews: This…goes against everything you’ve ever told us.
God: No it doesn’t, so just shut up. Also, Jesus, you’re going to die.
Jesus: What? I thought I was your son! Or God. Or both!
God: Look, this is just complicated, okay Jesus? Besides, you totally return when you fight the Devil.
God: Right, he’s another new character. He’s like an evil God. Plot twist, right? We’re arch enemies.
Jesus: Why would you make your own arch-enemy? That’s really stupid.
God: Shut up, Jesus. And what would you know? You’re made of bread and wine.
Jesus: What? Why?
God: Sponsorships, alright? New testaments aren’t cheap.
Jews: I’m sorry, this is just way too different. Is this your fan-fiction or something?
God: Of course not. This is the logical progression of Judaism which I planned all along. Like when I made all those references to a lamb.
Jews: You made, like, five.
God: Well, they were all about Jesus. Foreshadowing. Um, I guess. So there.
Jews: Couldn’t you have been clearer then?
God: I work in mysterious ways, okay? Look, just go with it guys. I worked really hard on this. And come on, you totally owe me for the whole “creation” thing anyway.
Most Jews: Well, I guess we could.
God: Awesome! “Most Jews,” aka “New Christians”-
New Christians: We’re what now?
God: You won’t regret this guys. I have the whole thing planned perfectly.
Holy Ghost: Oooooooooh!
New Christians: …
God: You’re going to love it.
God: Noah, all the people of earth are sinners. You alone are righteous.
Noah: Thanks God. Long time fan, first time prophet.
God: So, I have decided to smite the entire world with a flood.
Noah: Couldn’t you just teach man goodness?
God: No. I’m thinking “flood.”
Noah: So you’d rather just kill every-
God: What part of “flood” do you not understand?
God: Moses…I have seen the plight of the Jews in Egypt.
Moses: Wow. Only after, uh, 400 years there, right?
God: I will take you out of Egypt after ten terrible, terrible plagues.
God: Is there a problem?
Moses: It’s just…ten is a lot. For, you know, God. Couldn’t you get this done in like, two plagues max?
God: No. For you see, Moses, I will harden Pharaoh’s heart against me.
Moses: So…you are going to stop him from letting us free from slavery.
Moses: So you can bring more terrible, terrible plagues upon the people.
Moses: And you see nothing wrong with this picture?
Moses: Are there any other Gods up there I can talk to?
Mary: Did you send the child support?
God: Frankincense and myrrh. Yeah.
God: (sighs). And gold. And the gold.
Mary: That’s better.
God: Well, this is awkward.
God: Abraham, you must circumcise yourself.
Abraham: As you wish, my lord.
God: Oh my Me. He’s totally going to do it.
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