As we go on, we remember. Unfortunately.
Ahh, the City of Brotherly Hate.
I am writing to inform you that you are a liar and an asshole.
As you are aware, I recently graduated from the fine institution of Sarah Lawrence College with you in my hands and a dopey expression of naïve optimism on my face. As I gazed upon you with a false sense of accomplishment, you whispered, “Don’t worry. I’m here for you. Go out into the world.”
But I’m onto you, dickweed. You must have been in cahoots with the commencement speaker, because I left graduation feeling pretty damn special. In fact, I exited campus that day as confident as a Samurai. And do you know why I chose Samurai for that metaphor, Liberal Arts Degree? Because Samurai skills are pretty cool when you’re learning them, but are actually pretty fucking useless in the real world.
Part of me is impressed by your trickery. You must have felt preeetty pleased for that time you convinced me that math classes were unnecessary. “Expand your horizons”, you said. “Become more well-rounded,” you said. Well, Liberal Arts Degree, thanks to you, I can barely add double digit numbers. Oh, if you have a moment, could you do me a favor and call up Wittgenstein? Because last time I checked, him and that Cambodian basket-weaving class I took a few semesters ago weren’t planning on paying for my rent.
Oh, and remember that time we got a little drunk and you told me I had a “great imagination?” And that if “I can dream it, I can do it”? That was some real solid advice. Because you know what dreams and the imagination have in common? They both ONLY TAKE PLACE INSIDE MY HEAD. Though it is funny you said that, Liberal Arts Degree, because sometimes when I become bored, I imagine I’m Regis Philbin when he was still hosting Live! With Regis and Kelly. And last night, I had a startlingly vivid dream I was flying an elephant over the Charles River. But when I woke up, I was still waiting tables in my hometown.
Oh Liberal Arts Degree, how did it come to this? We used to be so happy together. Sometimes I look back longingly on the first few years of college, when you were so charming and inviting and we got along so well—before I knew of your lies and deceit. If only I had listened to my parents, who warned me of your negative influences. If only I hadn’t cut off all of my hair because of you, and now people weren’t constantly assuming I’m a lesbian. If only I had known then that choosing a concentration in English led to one of two career paths. If only.
But we can’t change the past, Liberal Arts Degree, and so you can go suck on one. I want you to know that I’ve not only moved on, but am in pursuit of something way more attractive. So get jealous, because it’s called a Master’s Degree — and although I’m not sure exactly how, it’s totally going to secure my future.
P.S. I recognize this is a bit of a touchy subject now, but do you think you could talk to your dad about sending me the email address of his friend, the screenwriter? I know it’s far-fetched but I’m really just trying to get my foot in the door. Thanks.
A gentleman never grinds and tells.
“Today I realized how good are girls at holding secrets… in groups of about 40.”
Rants -Ridiculous Hair
"Why do most college girls, at some point, decide it’s cool to wear their hair in a ridiculously high ponytail that looks like something out of The Grinch? It blocks my view in lecture, you’re constantly fooling around with it, and it makes you look like you’re always on a walk of shame. Here is what I think you look like, duckface and all." - Brianna
“So I was with a friend in an accessory store and we saw an entire section devoted to fake glasses. I wear glasses because I need them to see and can’t wear contacts due to a scar on my cornea. I would never say that glasses are enjoyable or a pleasure to wear. It astounds me that enough people would want fake glasses for a store to deem it necessary to devote an entire section of their store to them. Fucking hipsters.r glasses because I need them to see and can’t wear contacts due to a scar on my cornea. I would never say that glasses are enjoyable or a pleasure to wear. It astounds me that enough people would want fake glasses for a store to deem it necessary to devote an entire section of their store to them. Fucking hipsters.”
“It drives me up the fucking ceiling when people say that what you are studying in college has a low job market. Like what the fuck are you supposed to say back? “Well I guess I look dumb for spending thousands of dollars to one day end up flipping burgers.” FUCK THEM! Even if you are in fucking anything besides Liberal Arts programs there are still people who are like “good luck finding a job” I mean fuck, where do these people fucking come from? Now according to everyone who wants to be an asshole because they think their major is better than yours, they have a fucking right to tell me my life is going nowhere. Basically they are telling me I don’t have a right to do what the fuck I’ve dreamed of being when I was a fucking kid. Fuck this, I’m joining the army. If I die, I’ll die a hometown hero. If I live, then I’ll come home with a six pack, wicked awesome stories, and combat and weapon experience which will contribute to my survival in the zombie apocalypse.”
“Hey Co-Workers in Elevators, Uncles, Aunts, Morning Show Hosts, and other Boring People Who Insist on Talking to Strangers, stop saying, “Turkey Day” instead of “Thanksgiving.” It’s not funny, clever, cute, original, or any other thing that you must have gotten confused and thought it was. It’s not even easier to say. They’re both 3 syllables. So, really, what are you doing? Just say, “Thanksgiving.” Everyone will thank you for it.”
“How the hell do you expect me to qualify for what’s supposedly an entry-level job, when you put “5 years previous experience is required”? I’m fresh out of college with a Master’s degree! What do you douches think that means? That I spent the last 6 years working on government projects dealing with the latest outbreak of the Marburg virus?! I have talked with family. I have talked with friends. I have talked with family of friends. I have talked with friends of family. EVERY SINGLE ONE of them says I qualify for an entry-level job. So instead of trying to get people who recently lost their jobs for piss-poor amounts of money, either remove this ridiculous requirement, or hire the experienced people at the salary they deserve!”
Rants: “Entry-level” jobs
“I hate when people send e-mails asking me if I will do something and then end them with “thanks!” as if I have already agreed to it. Why do they even ask? They might as well just tell you to do it.”
“WHY DO PEOPLE ALWAYS HAVE TO WRITE IN ALL CAPS WHEN THEY ARE EXCITED ABOUT SOMETHING? I feel like they are yelling at me. Why can’t they write normal? Also, why do people WR1T3 LyK3 TH1$? Is it some sort of dialect for robots?”
“I’m in college right now, and my generation LOVES to nostalgically reminisce about the 90’s. Um, if you are currently a senior in college, you were 9 when they ended. I’m sure from 1 to 9 you weren’t absorbing the cultural impact of Seinfeld and Tupac as you so try to prove to everyone.”