“Today I realized how good are girls at holding secrets… in groups of about 40.”

“So I was with a friend in an accessory store and we saw an entire section devoted to fake glasses. I wear glasses because I need them to see and can’t wear contacts due to a scar on my cornea. I would never say that glasses are enjoyable or a pleasure to wear. It astounds me that enough people would want fake glasses for a store to deem it necessary to devote an entire section of their store to them. Fucking hipsters.r glasses because I need them to see and can’t wear contacts due to a scar on my cornea. I would never say that glasses are enjoyable or a pleasure to wear. It astounds me that enough people would want fake glasses for a store to deem it necessary to devote an entire section of their store to them. Fucking hipsters.”

“It drives me up the fucking ceiling when people say that what you are studying in college has a low job market. Like what the fuck are you supposed to say back? “Well I guess I look dumb for spending thousands of dollars to one day end up flipping burgers.” FUCK THEM! Even if you are in fucking anything besides Liberal Arts programs there are still people who are like “good luck finding a job” I mean fuck, where do these people fucking come from? Now according to everyone who wants to be an asshole because they think their major is better than yours, they have a fucking right to tell me my life is going nowhere. Basically they are telling me I don’t have a right to do what the fuck I’ve dreamed of being when I was a fucking kid. Fuck this, I’m joining the army. If I die, I’ll die a hometown hero. If I live, then I’ll come home with a six pack, wicked awesome stories, and combat and weapon experience which will contribute to my survival in the zombie apocalypse.”

“Hey Co-Workers in Elevators, Uncles, Aunts, Morning Show Hosts, and other Boring People Who Insist on Talking to Strangers, stop saying, “Turkey Day” instead of “Thanksgiving.” It’s not funny, clever, cute, original, or any other thing that you must have gotten confused and thought it was. It’s not even easier to say. They’re both 3 syllables. So, really, what are you doing? Just say, “Thanksgiving.” Everyone will thank you for it.”

“How the hell do you expect me to qualify for what’s supposedly an entry-level job, when you put “5 years previous experience is required”? I’m fresh out of college with a Master’s degree! What do you douches think that means? That I spent the last 6 years working on government projects dealing with the latest outbreak of the Marburg virus?! I have talked with family. I have talked with friends. I have talked with family of friends. I have talked with friends of family. EVERY SINGLE ONE of them says I qualify for an entry-level job. So instead of trying to get people who recently lost their jobs for piss-poor amounts of money, either remove this ridiculous requirement, or hire the experienced people at the salary they deserve!”

“I hate when people send e-mails asking me if I will do something and then end them with “thanks!” as if I have already agreed to it. Why do they even ask? They might as well just tell you to do it.”

“WHY DO PEOPLE ALWAYS HAVE TO WRITE IN ALL CAPS WHEN THEY ARE EXCITED ABOUT SOMETHING? I feel like they are yelling at me. Why can’t they write normal? Also, why do people WR1T3 LyK3 TH1$? Is it some sort of dialect for robots?”

“I’m in college right now, and my generation LOVES to nostalgically reminisce about the 90’s. Um, if you are currently a senior in college, you were 9 when they ended. I’m sure from 1 to 9 you weren’t absorbing the cultural impact of Seinfeld and Tupac as you so try to prove to everyone.”

“Albuquerque is hot as fuck. We’re talking 90+ degrees most days during the summer. Even winters aren’t bad. So, why the fuck does every single character in Breaking Bad wear long pants and a coat all the time, even outside? I would get a heat stroke if I did such a thing. I have watched it all, and have not seen a single person in shorts ONCE. That’s some serious bullshit”