Drawblem Solvers is the Drawfee Channel advice show where Caldwell and Nathan draw the solutions to your problems. This week, we are joined by Owen Parsons as we try to help out a fan who is having an awkward time on the bus.
CollegeHumor’s writers and performers are Internet folk who don’t get out much. So we shut down our computers and pushed them into the world for a set at DCM (Del Close Marathon) at UCBeast. Come laugh at the freakishly pale staff as they improvise with their famous funny friends.
This is all weekend. Find out more.
Start reading The X-Men Guide to Puberty
The Year 1971:
Two computer scientists, Ray and Vern, sit at two giant proto-computers set at opposite ends of the room.
Vern: Data received.
Both scientists look up at each other.
Ray: We did it. We sent a file from one networked machine to another.
Vern: We’ve invented electronic mail, Ray! We’re going to revolutionize the way people communicate!
Ray: Our names will be remembered forever.
Vern: You’re right about-oh, hey, I’ve got mail. What’d you send me?
Ray: Just read it.
Vern: Second email ever, right? Let’s see what we got here… it’s asking… it’s asking if I’m satisfied with the size of my penis.
Vern: Why did you send this? Why would you send me an email saying my penis is too small?
Ray: So you think it’s too small?
Vern: That’s not funny, Ray! These are the first emails ever; people are going to remember this stuff! Now in the future there’s going to be a museum exhibit about how small my dick is!
Ray: I… I’m sorry, Vern. I don’t know what came over me.
Vern: Look, let’s just forget about it, okay? We invented email. It’s a great day.
Ray: Damn right it is. By the way, I sent you those photos you asked for.
Vern: Well, thanks. I don’t remember asking for any photos, but oh my god, what the hell is this?
Ray: It’s a virus.
Vern: Why? Why are you doing this?
Ray: Uh, maybe because it’s funny? Don’t be such a n00b, Vern.
Vern: Don’t- what? We’re both newbies! We invented email five minutes ago!
Ray: Sorry, I’m sorry. Listen, let’s put all this behind us. Here, check out these hot XXXsluts I’m sending you.
Vern: I will check out these hot XXX sluts, but it’s only for research.
Ray: Nice, huh?
Vern: Well, yes. Two girls, wow. What are they doing with that cup of oh god oh fuck you, Ray. Fuck. You.
Vern gets up to leave.
Vern: We had a beautiful thing here, Ray. A beautiful thing that you destroyed.
Ray: Destroyed? My poor Vern. This is only the beginning. You think you can escape this by leaving the room? This is going to be everywhere. Everywhere! There’s no escape! LOL!
Vern: Did you-sorry, did you just say “LOL”?
Ray: LOL! LOL!
Vern leaves. Ray continues to shout “LOL" maniacally.
The Year 2015:
A grandfather finishes putting a small child to bed.
Grandfather: …and that’s the story of how e-mail was invented, and how five thousand years of language was reduced to a cheap slurry of half-formed sentences, pornography, and arbitrary aggression. Sleep tight, fucker.
Child: Fuck you too, grandpa.
Grandfather smiles warmly.
Grandfather: Die of AIDS.
Owen & Pat reviewed the latest and greatest video game systems. There were no survivors.
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CollegeHumor Illustrator Caldwell draws your suggestions. Today: Sailor Mabel (thanks Yasumine). Owen Parsons watches and sheds a tear at its beauty.
CollegeHumor Illustrator Caldwell draws your suggestions. 1st Episode: Samus Aran fighting a Reaper (thanks Trevor). Owen Parsons watches and generally has a great time.
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What game would you play if your life depended on it?
With celebrity center square, Brad Garrett!
If he isn’t, may he strike down the person reading this caption where they sit.