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CollegeHumor Staff Blog

22 Crazy Things You Might Find on the New York City Subway [Click for more]

The greatest city in the world blah blah blah ok do you want to see some weird photos taken on the NYC subway? I took them all on the way to work.

Apartment Hunting in NYC is the Worst

You’ll lose your mind. And your security deposit.

A Letter About Our Restaurant Rating
Hello friendly neighborhood patron! You may be reading this because you noticed there is no rating from the health department in our window. Now I do recognize that this is a bit of a strange occurrence and may seem like a cover up for a poor rating but I assure you: it certainly isn’t.We here at McGrooder’s Family Restaurant want you to know that we care about you. And we would never try to hurt anyone in our beloved community. Rest assured that if McGrooder’s were to theoretically receive some kind of random letter grade, let’s say an F, for health code violations then I would immediately shut down the restaurant and fix whatever feces/mold/blood stained seats related problem the restaurant had. This is a family restaurant, first and foremost. And there is one thing that family honors most: honesty. Now, can I honestly say that our restaurant is always 100% spotless? No. But can I say that fewer than three rats have given birth in our kitchen? Why yes, I can say very confidently that fewer than three female super rats have given birth in the pans where we cook our tomato sauce. And that is something that we here at McGrooder’s take a lot of pride in.I know what you are probably thinking now: “Why don’t you just put up the grade you got in the window if it isn’t bad?” I am not going to say that we struck a deal with the Health Department that allows us to stay open as long as we put up a personal letter that explicitly states our grade. But I will say that we Find that Family comes First and all of our customers are Family and that Family isn’t about grades; it is about being together Forever. So, say we did get an F rating and the restaurant is currently under investigation for breeding super rats? We know our family wouldn’t let that affect how they felt about us. And that is why we love them.Let’s face it, everyone finds hair in his or her mozzarella sticks once in a while. And I think we can all agree that it is very hard to differentiate between pizza dough and asbestos that has fallen from the ceiling. And you pretty much have to be some kind of warlock to make sure every dish is clean. Also it isn’t like I go to your house and judge everything you do. If you can rub one out on your couch and eat there too then I can do the same in my booths. We all have to take a moment to realize that we have all ingested at least a small amount of ejaculate at some point or another in our lives. You know that statistic that says you will eat around eight spiders in your sleep every year? Well, the same statistic applies here except the spiders are male ejaculate and instead of sleeping you are having a meatball sub at a local family restaurant.So, that is all we wanted to say here at McGrooder’s. We value are being able to be open and candid with our customers and make our relationship more friendly than business related. So let’s just forget about this whole thing and make sure to come on down to McGrooders and bring the whole family. We will have a nice hot meal waiting for you and we promise to do something about the overwhelming stench from the dead homeless guy out in the alley.Best Wishes and Love,McGrooder’s Staff and Management

A Letter About Our Restaurant Rating

Hello friendly neighborhood patron! You may be reading this because you noticed there is no rating from the health department in our window. Now I do recognize that this is a bit of a strange occurrence and may seem like a cover up for a poor rating but I assure you: it certainly isn’t.

We here at McGrooder’s Family Restaurant want you to know that we care about you. And we would never try to hurt anyone in our beloved community. Rest assured that if McGrooder’s were to theoretically receive some kind of random letter grade, let’s say an F, for health code violations then I would immediately shut down the restaurant and fix whatever feces/mold/blood stained seats related problem the restaurant had. 

This is a family restaurant, first and foremost. And there is one thing that family honors most: honesty. Now, can I honestly say that our restaurant is always 100% spotless? No. But can I say that fewer than three rats have given birth in our kitchen? Why yes, I can say very confidently that fewer than three female super rats have given birth in the pans where we cook our tomato sauce. And that is something that we here at McGrooder’s take a lot of pride in.

I know what you are probably thinking now: “Why don’t you just put up the grade you got in the window if it isn’t bad?” I am not going to say that we struck a deal with the Health Department that allows us to stay open as long as we put up a personal letter that explicitly states our grade. But I will say that we Find that Family comes First and all of our customers are Family and that Family isn’t about grades; it is about being together Forever. So, say we did get an F rating and the restaurant is currently under investigation for breeding super rats? We know our family wouldn’t let that affect how they felt about us. And that is why we love them.

Let’s face it, everyone finds hair in his or her mozzarella sticks once in a while. And I think we can all agree that it is very hard to differentiate between pizza dough and asbestos that has fallen from the ceiling. And you pretty much have to be some kind of warlock to make sure every dish is clean. Also it isn’t like I go to your house and judge everything you do. If you can rub one out on your couch and eat there too then I can do the same in my booths. We all have to take a moment to realize that we have all ingested at least a small amount of ejaculate at some point or another in our lives. You know that statistic that says you will eat around eight spiders in your sleep every year? Well, the same statistic applies here except the spiders are male ejaculate and instead of sleeping you are having a meatball sub at a local family restaurant.

So, that is all we wanted to say here at McGrooder’s. We value are being able to be open and candid with our customers and make our relationship more friendly than business related. So let’s just forget about this whole thing and make sure to come on down to McGrooders and bring the whole family. We will have a nice hot meal waiting for you and we promise to do something about the overwhelming stench from the dead homeless guy out in the alley.

Best Wishes and Love,
McGrooder’s Staff and Management

CollegeHumor Offline is THIS THURSDAY, August 8th!
CollegeHumor’s big annual livestravaganza is this Thursday, August 8th, at the Gramercy Theatre! Hosted by Jake and Amir, and featuring appearances by Streeter Seidell, Adam Conover, Josh Ruben, The Actual Batman, and many more!
GRAB YOUR TICKETS NOW at LiveNation.com before they “go offline!” Meaning sell out. The tickets aren’t, like, also doing a live show. Whatever, that made sense.

CollegeHumor Offline is THIS THURSDAY, August 8th!

CollegeHumor’s big annual livestravaganza is this Thursday, August 8th, at the Gramercy Theatre! Hosted by Jake and Amir, and featuring appearances by Streeter SeidellAdam ConoverJosh RubenThe Actual Batman, and many more!

GRAB YOUR TICKETS NOW at LiveNation.com before they “go offline!” Meaning sell out. The tickets aren’t, like, also doing a live show. Whatever, that made sense.

Panhandler Pranks Entire Subway Car

Excuse me ladies and gentlemen! A prank is about to take place!

(Source: College Humor)

Replacing Phones with Pop Tarts on the Streets of NYC Hardly Gets Anyone to Bat an Eyelash

Sure, you can create a Self Pop Tart — photoshopping the camera out of your selfie — but if you bring it into real life? Well, it turns out in New York City nobody gives a damn anyway.

CollegeHumor Offline Hosted by Jake and Amir

Join Jake and Amir, the cast of CollegeHumor and a bunch of special guests at the Gramercy Theatre on August 8th.

Tickets are available now at LiveNation dot…something? Dot com, dot com. Livenation.com.

(Source: College Humor)

CollegeHumor Offline Hosted by Jake and Amir

Join Jake and Amir, the cast of CollegeHumor and a bunch of special guests at the Gramercy Theatre on August 8th.

Tickets are available now at LiveNation dot…something? Dot com, dot com. Livenation.com.

(Source: College Humor)

Mets Pitcher Matt Harvey Asks Fans What They Think Of Mets Pitcher Matt Harvey

Opponents also have a hard time identifying Matt Harvey

(Source: College Humor)

streeter:

CollegeHumor Offline returns, hosted by Jake and Amir.
Check it out August 8th at the Gramercy Theatre. Pre-sale tickets are up right now with coupon code CHSUPERSLAM. They’re only available today so get yours now or be forced to buy them later like a goddamn moron. 

Buy your discounted tickets today or NEVER. One day only. 

streeter:

CollegeHumor Offline returns, hosted by Jake and Amir.

Check it out August 8th at the Gramercy Theatre. Pre-sale tickets are up right now with coupon code CHSUPERSLAMThey’re only available today so get yours now or be forced to buy them later like a goddamn moron. 

Buy your discounted tickets today or NEVER. One day only. 

(Source: streeter)

coffeetownmovie:

Live in NYC, Boston or Philly? We just opened up FREE tickets for a screening of CollegeHumor’s first feature film Coffee Town. Email us to claim your tickets. First-come-first-serve.
TONIGHT: 7:30pm- New York (Sunshine Cinema). coffeetownnyc@gmail.com
TOMORROW: July 10th, 7:30pm- Boston (Kendall Square Cinema). coffeetownboston@gmail.com
DAY AFTER TOMORROW: July 11th, 7:30pm- Philadelphia (Ritz V) coffeetownphilly@gmail.com
For more free tickets to these 2 screenings check out the full tour date schedule: http://www.collegehumor.com/summerscreeningseason

Get your free tickets now for you and your friends. Email us! Remember first-come-first-serve.

coffeetownmovie:

Live in NYC, Boston or Philly? We just opened up FREE tickets for a screening of CollegeHumor’s first feature film Coffee Town. Email us to claim your tickets. First-come-first-serve.

TONIGHT: 7:30pm- New York (Sunshine Cinema). coffeetownnyc@gmail.com

TOMORROW: July 10th, 7:30pm- Boston (Kendall Square Cinema). coffeetownboston@gmail.com

DAY AFTER TOMORROW: July 11th, 7:30pm- Philadelphia (Ritz V) coffeetownphilly@gmail.com

For more free tickets to these 2 screenings check out the full tour date schedule: http://www.collegehumor.com/summerscreeningseason

Get your free tickets now for you and your friends. Email us! Remember first-come-first-serve.

coffeetownmovie:

Live in NYC, Boston or Philly? We just opened up more tickets for a FREE Coffee Town screening for all 3 cities. Email us to claim your tickets. First-come-first-serve.
Tuesday July 9th, 7:30pm- New York (Sunshine Cinema). coffeetownnyc@gmail.com
Wednesday July 10th, 7:30pm- Boston (Kendall Square Cinema). coffeetownboston@gmail.com
Thursday July 11th, 7:30pm- Philadelphia (Ritz V) coffeetownphilly@gmail.com
If you haven’t seen the trailer yet for CollegeHumor’s 1st feature film then check it out here. 

For more free movie screening tour dates check out: http://www.collegehumor.com/summerscreeningseason

coffeetownmovie:

Live in NYC, Boston or Philly? We just opened up more tickets for a FREE Coffee Town screening for all 3 cities. Email us to claim your tickets. First-come-first-serve.

Tuesday July 9th, 7:30pm- New York (Sunshine Cinema). coffeetownnyc@gmail.com

Wednesday July 10th, 7:30pm- Boston (Kendall Square Cinema). coffeetownboston@gmail.com

Thursday July 11th, 7:30pm- Philadelphia (Ritz V) coffeetownphilly@gmail.com

If you haven’t seen the trailer yet for CollegeHumor’s 1st feature film then check it out here

For more free movie screening tour dates check out: http://www.collegehumor.com/summerscreeningseason

Just a Typical Application for a New Apartment

They try to get to know their residents.

CH Live: NYC - Donald Glover

Our CollegeHumor Live show’s have hosted some of the best comedians around. Come join us TONIGHT at 9:30 for an all new show at UCB featuring:

Host Streeter Seidell and including

Emily Axford & Brian “Murph” Murphy, Dan St. Germain & Alex Schmidt and many more!

!. You can RSVP for free and tix are only $5 at the door. Reserve yours now. 

Here’s the poster: 

(Source: youtube.com)

I Wish This Neighborhood Stayed Exactly As Gentrified As It Was When I First Moved Here
Farewell, slightly gentrified, dirty-in-a-couple-parts neighborhood I fell in love with. Hello, sterile, impersonal, fully gentrified neighborhood of today.
I’ll never forget what a cool, character-having but still completely safe neighborhood this used to be back when I was growing up in the aughts (growing from age 24 to 28). There used to be three brunch places, one of which didn’t even have its own Yelp page (but us locals knew how to find it). Now there’s SEVEN good brunch places, and choosing between them is a big ordeal every week, and “Spoon” doesn’t even include a mimosa with their $12 brunch option, and stupid “Oeuf” ALWAYS has a big line even when I get there at, like, friggin’ 3:30. When did my neighborhood get overrun by these Yuppie wannabes INSTAGRAMMING their dumb food while I’m trying to focus on my review for my French Toast Tumblr? Keep Reading

I Wish This Neighborhood Stayed Exactly As Gentrified As It Was When I First Moved Here

Farewell, slightly gentrified, dirty-in-a-couple-parts neighborhood I fell in love with. Hello, sterile, impersonal, fully gentrified neighborhood of today.

I’ll never forget what a cool, character-having but still completely safe neighborhood this used to be back when I was growing up in the aughts (growing from age 24 to 28). There used to be three brunch places, one of which didn’t even have its own Yelp page (but us locals knew how to find it). Now there’s SEVEN good brunch places, and choosing between them is a big ordeal every week, and “Spoon” doesn’t even include a mimosa with their $12 brunch option, and stupid “Oeuf” ALWAYS has a big line even when I get there at, like, friggin’ 3:30. When did my neighborhood get overrun by these Yuppie wannabes INSTAGRAMMING their dumb food while I’m trying to focus on my review for my French Toast Tumblr? Keep Reading