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8 Horrible Endings to Romance Novels

8 Horrible Endings to Romance Novels

Bennigan’s Wake [Click for article]
James Joyce loves it (almost as much as Ruby Tulysses).

Bennigan’s Wake [Click for article]

James Joyce loves it (almost as much as Ruby Tulysses).

Awkward Romance Novel Excerpts [Click for full article]
Princess Juanita said something, but I wasn’t quite sure what. I had been staring at her heaving breasts ever since she started talking about how her father, The King, would never approve of her being with a peasant farmer like me. I’m not like one of those perverted jerks or anything, I just really didn’t want to hear another reason why we shouldn’t be together. I mean, I know it’s not exactly an ideal pairing—at least for anyone who isn’t myself. A royal babe liking me is enough pressure. Enough about my head, how are my rocks going to come off?
“Sh!” I said as I placed my finger too far to the left of her lips to be smooth.
“Ugh, thy nail has scratched my cheek,” she screamed. “What ho? Did thy wish to cut the Heavens?”
I drank her in like the fine wine I had previously tasted on her lips as she walked from my shack back to the palace. As I waited for the King’s men to come for me and draw blood, I huddled behind my barrow and drew my final seed. [Keep Reading]

Awkward Romance Novel Excerpts [Click for full article]

Princess Juanita said something, but I wasn’t quite sure what. I had been staring at her heaving breasts ever since she started talking about how her father, The King, would never approve of her being with a peasant farmer like me. I’m not like one of those perverted jerks or anything, I just really didn’t want to hear another reason why we shouldn’t be together. I mean, I know it’s not exactly an ideal pairing—at least for anyone who isn’t myself. A royal babe liking me is enough pressure. Enough about my head, how are my rocks going to come off?

“Sh!” I said as I placed my finger too far to the left of her lips to be smooth.

“Ugh, thy nail has scratched my cheek,” she screamed. “What ho? Did thy wish to cut the Heavens?”

I drank her in like the fine wine I had previously tasted on her lips as she walked from my shack back to the palace. As I waited for the King’s men to come for me and draw blood, I huddled behind my barrow and drew my final seed. [Keep Reading]

Awkward Romance Novel Excerpts [Click for full article]
“I’m into weird stuff,” Juanita said.
I nod, doing my best to conceal my confusion and the grease stain obtained during a pre-date pizza run. How I longed for the time when “Am I eating too much bread?” was the only question I was trying to avoid.
“Like, really weird stuff.”
“Cool,” I said before giving in and asking her what exactly she meant by “weird stuff.”
“Have you ever heard of S&M?” she breathed into my ear.
“Is that the sexy M&M?” I joked. Of course I had heard of that. It’s the… I knew what it is. I leaned in to tell her about the crush I had on the melt-in-your-mouth lady in green when I was a kid, but the diet Dr. Pepper was cascading off the table before I could get the words “Well, um” out of my mouth.
My eyes parted with her heaving breasts, but by the time I returned with toilet paper to clean up the spill she was gone. The diner was out of paper towels, and I was out of luck.
I returned to my apartment and AltaVista-ed my should-have-been lover’s word of the day to make sure I definitely knew what it was and, sure enough, I totally did. To celebrate, and get the image of the lady in that weird leather thing out of my head, I thought about an old friend and melted in my hand.
“I guess I am into weird stuff,” I thought before sending my dear Juanita a text saying just that. [Keep Reading]

Awkward Romance Novel Excerpts [Click for full article]

“I’m into weird stuff,” Juanita said.

I nod, doing my best to conceal my confusion and the grease stain obtained during a pre-date pizza run. How I longed for the time when “Am I eating too much bread?” was the only question I was trying to avoid.

“Like, really weird stuff.”

“Cool,” I said before giving in and asking her what exactly she meant by “weird stuff.”

“Have you ever heard of S&M?” she breathed into my ear.

“Is that the sexy M&M?” I joked. Of course I had heard of that. It’s the… I knew what it is. I leaned in to tell her about the crush I had on the melt-in-your-mouth lady in green when I was a kid, but the diet Dr. Pepper was cascading off the table before I could get the words “Well, um” out of my mouth.

My eyes parted with her heaving breasts, but by the time I returned with toilet paper to clean up the spill she was gone. The diner was out of paper towels, and I was out of luck.

I returned to my apartment and AltaVista-ed my should-have-been lover’s word of the day to make sure I definitely knew what it was and, sure enough, I totally did. To celebrate, and get the image of the lady in that weird leather thing out of my head, I thought about an old friend and melted in my hand.

“I guess I am into weird stuff,” I thought before sending my dear Juanita a text saying just that. [Keep Reading]