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Grammar is S.H.I.E.L.D.’s Greatest Enemy

Grammar is S.H.I.E.L.D.’s Greatest Enemy

One day a man was digging through the fridge in the office lunchroom when he saw a big burrito on a shelf. He pulled it out and admired it.

"That’s a nice looking burrito," he thought, "I’m going to eat it."

An hour later the man heard a strange sound. He listened closely. It sounded like a voice.

"Where is my burrito?" it groaned.

When the man heard that, he got very scared. But he thought, “there’s no proof I took it.”

Then he heard the voice again, only closer this time.

"Seriously, guys, where is my burrito?" it groaned.

The man directed his attention back to his computer, hoping that the voice would go away. Then he heard the voice again. Right next to his desk.

"This isn’t cool. Someone took my burrito," it GROOAAAANED.

"I saw Barry eating a burrito" said Carol.

"Oh shit," thought the man, who was named Barry. He looked up at Todd, who up to this point was just a voice he had been trying to ignore.

"What the fuck, Barry?" Todd GROANED, "Why would you do that?"

Then everyone had to participate in a seminar about office courtesy run by HR, EVEN IF THEY HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH “THE BURRITO INCIDENT”!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! 

MORE Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark to Adults

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Angry Goatface Hopfuck IPA
Sick of all these weak-ass beers with barely any hop flavor? So are we! That’s why the brewers at Angry Goatface made this seriously hoppy IPA - the Hopfuck. It’ll fuck your face with hops. Take a sip — it’s like someone pulling your tongue out of your mouth with a pair of rusty pliers. 90% of you will hate this beer, but 10% of you will love it more than anything else and never shut up about it. That’s our promise to you.

Basically Soda Raspberry Lambic
The sweet taste of fruit, the sugary smack of berries, the saccharine flavor of rasp. These are just some of the flavors you’ll experience with one sip of Basically Soda Raspberry Lambic. Fruit forward with undertones of more fruit, this beer will set you on an adventure through flavors ranging from “syrupy” to “cloying”. “Is this even a beer?” you’ll ask. You tell us!

Steel Cabin “Not Bud” Lager
Finish readingThe Complete Guide to the Craft Beer at Your Local Bar

Angry Goatface Hopfuck IPA

Sick of all these weak-ass beers with barely any hop flavor? So are we! That’s why the brewers at Angry Goatface made this seriously hoppy IPA - the Hopfuck. It’ll fuck your face with hops. Take a sip — it’s like someone pulling your tongue out of your mouth with a pair of rusty pliers. 90% of you will hate this beer, but 10% of you will love it more than anything else and never shut up about it. That’s our promise to you.

Basically Soda Raspberry Lambic

The sweet taste of fruit, the sugary smack of berries, the saccharine flavor of rasp. These are just some of the flavors you’ll experience with one sip of Basically Soda Raspberry Lambic. Fruit forward with undertones of more fruit, this beer will set you on an adventure through flavors ranging from “syrupy” to “cloying”. “Is this even a beer?” you’ll ask. You tell us!

Steel Cabin “Not Bud” Lager

Finish readingThe Complete Guide to the Craft Beer at Your Local Bar

2 MORE Reasons Being a College Student is Just Like Being Old [Click to finish]

The Stupid Evolution of News Headlines »
I’m Ra, your RA
Alright, everyone, thanks for coming to the first meeting for 2nd Floor McCullen Hall! Yay! I’m your RA. My name is Amun-Ra, but you can just call me Ra ‘cause I’m chill like that. Let’s break the ice with a little “Two Truths and a Lie.” We’ll say two true things about ourselves and one lie, and it’s up to you to guess which one is not true. Got it? Okay. 1) I brought forth everything in creation by saying its secret name, 2) I have a falcon for a head, and 3) I’m lactose intolerant. What do you guys think…Wrong! It’s the second one. I have a falcon’s HEAD for a head, not a whole falcon. That would look stupid. That’s also a lesson about language. We all need to be sure that we choose our words carefully and keep communication open. That way we’ll all avoid conflicts. Also, avoid using “angry” words like “stupid” in public spaces. That was my bad, there. But that’s also a lesson about me. Sometimes I make mistakes too. I’m a student just like you! I also just happen to have some administrative disciplinary powers, and the power of flight. And the power to create and destroy with a word.Now, we’re all living in the same space, so let’s try to respect each other, okay? When it’s late, keep the noise down. I know some of you are going to want to party, but some of us will be studying, or sleeping, or preventing a giant snake from devouring the sun, so just keep that in mind. Party smarter, not harder.You can also find a basket of condoms on my door. Those are for you guys. And they’re free. I’m not your dad, except in the abstract sense that I created all of you, and I don’t care who you’re shacking up with or whose lettuce you’re jizzing in to establish dominance over them. Just be safe. Safety can be cool! Finish reading

I’m Ra, your RA

Alright, everyone, thanks for coming to the first meeting for 2nd Floor McCullen Hall! Yay! I’m your RA. My name is Amun-Ra, but you can just call me Ra ‘cause I’m chill like that. Let’s break the ice with a little “Two Truths and a Lie.” We’ll say two true things about ourselves and one lie, and it’s up to you to guess which one is not true. Got it? Okay. 1) I brought forth everything in creation by saying its secret name, 2) I have a falcon for a head, and 3) I’m lactose intolerant. What do you guys think…

Wrong! It’s the second one. I have a falcon’s HEAD for a head, not a whole falcon. That would look stupid. That’s also a lesson about language. We all need to be sure that we choose our words carefully and keep communication open. That way we’ll all avoid conflicts. Also, avoid using “angry” words like “stupid” in public spaces. That was my bad, there. But that’s also a lesson about me. Sometimes I make mistakes too. I’m a student just like you! I also just happen to have some administrative disciplinary powers, and the power of flight. And the power to create and destroy with a word.

Now, we’re all living in the same space, so let’s try to respect each other, okay? When it’s late, keep the noise down. I know some of you are going to want to party, but some of us will be studying, or sleeping, or preventing a giant snake from devouring the sun, so just keep that in mind. Party smarter, not harder.

You can also find a basket of condoms on my door. Those are for you guys. And they’re free. I’m not your dad, except in the abstract sense that I created all of you, and I don’t care who you’re shacking up with or whose lettuce you’re jizzing in to establish dominance over them. Just be safe. Safety can be cool! Finish reading

The Old Fashioned is the quintessential cocktail. Classy, with just the right levels of sweet and bitter notes. And you can make one at home right now!

How to Make the Perfect Old Fashioned

Okay, everyone, this is the Boondock Saints drinking game. Here’s a list of twenty-four different rules. Drink whenever one of these things happens.. Next up "Playing overcomplicated drinking games"

8 Dumb Mistakes You Will Make as a First-Time Drinker [Click for 6 more]

Dude! Dude, you’re pouring that beer all wrong. Next up "Clinging to what little you know about alcohol like a life raft."

8 Dumb Mistakes You Will Make as a First-Time Drinker [Click for 6 more]

6 of Your Childhood Fears that Came True [Click for full article]
Fun Life Lesson: It doesn’t get better.

6 of Your Childhood Fears that Came True [Click for full article]

Fun Life Lesson: It doesn’t get better.

In article form: Everyone Is An Asshole

That’s right, kids: people come in all shapes and sizes, but we’re all assholes.

(Source: College Humor)

A Letter from That One Ugly Concrete Building on Campus
I know what you think of me. I hear your little nicknames for me: “The Fortress,” “The Cubes,” “The Bloc,” “Castle Grayskull.” I see the way the tour guides make little jokes and usher away prospective students before anyone can look at me too long. Well, you fuckers don’t know balls about shit.

What? You spend thirty minutes in one art history class and suddenly you think you’re Frank Fucking Gehry? You have no idea what you’re talking about. You couldn’t tell a Gothic building from Bauhaus if you had your head shoved right up its buttresses. Sorry? What was that? Something about me looking boring? Gosh, I guess it’s hard to hear you with your mouth full of Johnny Ive’s minimalist cock. But hey, I don’t take it personally. Because I know this isn’t about me; it’s about you.
Continue reading

A Letter from That One Ugly Concrete Building on Campus

I know what you think of me. I hear your little nicknames for me: “The Fortress,” “The Cubes,” “The Bloc,” “Castle Grayskull.” I see the way the tour guides make little jokes and usher away prospective students before anyone can look at me too long. Well, you fuckers don’t know balls about shit.

What? You spend thirty minutes in one art history class and suddenly you think you’re Frank Fucking Gehry? You have no idea what you’re talking about. You couldn’t tell a Gothic building from Bauhaus if you had your head shoved right up its buttresses. Sorry? What was that? Something about me looking boring? Gosh, I guess it’s hard to hear you with your mouth full of Johnny Ive’s minimalist cock. But hey, I don’t take it personally. Because I know this isn’t about me; it’s about you.

Continue reading

(Source: College Humor)

"Uh oh, looks like this person I’ve never met is having a complete psychological breakdown. Isn’t that hilarious? Look, she’s in ENTERTAINMENT; if she didn’t want to live in a giant digital panopticon her entire life, maybe she shouldn’t like performing for people who love her. She deserves whatever horrible jokes people make about her because she’s just desperate for attention. Besides, this joke is going to get me, like fifty new Twitter followers. I know it.
FULL ARTICLE: 6 Things Less Annoying than the Jokes Made About Them

"Uh oh, looks like this person I’ve never met is having a complete psychological breakdown. Isn’t that hilarious? Look, she’s in ENTERTAINMENT; if she didn’t want to live in a giant digital panopticon her entire life, maybe she shouldn’t like performing for people who love her. She deserves whatever horrible jokes people make about her because she’s just desperate for attention. Besides, this joke is going to get me, like fifty new Twitter followers. I know it.

FULL ARTICLE: 6 Things Less Annoying than the Jokes Made About Them

(Source: College Humor)