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This is the ‘Moby Dick’ of Summer Camp Letters
And by Moby Dick, I mean it’s destined to become a literary classic to be cherished for years (at least a day or two) by the highest of intellectual institutions in the land (only the internet). 
Summer camp is a time for parents to get a break from their kids and kids to learn about the joys of poison ivy, horseback riding and bb guns. (Summer camps still have BB guns, right? This IS America.) It’s also a time for young boys to relish the humor in of the horse dumps that accompany said horseback riding. 
The owner of ScaryMommy blog, Liesl Testwuid, sent her son off to summer camp and received this letter shortly after. Eating records were broken, farts were lit on fire and an overall awesome time was had. 

This is the ‘Moby Dick’ of Summer Camp Letters

And by Moby Dick, I mean it’s destined to become a literary classic to be cherished for years (at least a day or two) by the highest of intellectual institutions in the land (only the internet). 

Summer camp is a time for parents to get a break from their kids and kids to learn about the joys of poison ivy, horseback riding and bb guns. (Summer camps still have BB guns, right? This IS America.) It’s also a time for young boys to relish the humor in of the horse dumps that accompany said horseback riding. 

The owner of ScaryMommy blog, Liesl Testwuid, sent her son off to summer camp and received this letter shortly after. Eating records were broken, farts were lit on fire and an overall awesome time was had. 

This is the 'Moby Dick' of Summer Camp Letters »

Dear Guy Eating Chips,

Sure. Have a coffee, a sandwich, a pop-tart, I don’t care, but Sun Chips? I don’t think you could have found anything worse to eat in a library, and it definitely doesn’t help that you chew like a fucking wood chipper. What flavor are they? I’d be pretty stoked if you just downed an entire bag of Sour Cream & Poison. I’m not sure exactly what Sun Chips bags are made of, but it’s no secret that they’re louder than an EDM concert. Plus, the chips themselves are fucking noisy. Don’t eat that shit in the library.


Dear Couple in the Corner,

It’s cute that you want to help each other study, but this isn’t the place to be sucking face. Most people are here to study or read a fucking book (a fucking book not a fucking-book. Put down The Kama Sutra). Not only that, but if you’re going to start yelling “Who the fuck is Kristen?” at your boyfriend whenever his phone goes off, try doing it at home or in the KFC bathroom where he got you pregnant. That way you won’t disturb others, and I’m sure the fact that you scream at him in public is probably one of the reasons he’s cheating on you in the first place. While you’re fighting though, could you tell your asshole of a boyfriend to put his phone on silent? Thanks. Speaking of which…


 

Dear Guy with the iPhone,

Not only do you have your phone on loud, but you actually have the “click” noise turned on for texting. Only douchebags have that sound on. We get it man, you have an iPhone. Congratulations, now put it on silent. Yes, silent. Not vibrate. I don’t appreciate the table subtly shaking every forty-five seconds because you’ve got some conversation important enough to interrupt your studies, but not so important that you’d actually leave. Honesty, why do you keep putting it back down? You might as well just keep the fucking thing in your hand. I asked somebody to watch my computer while I “went to the washroom” just so I could do a walk-by and see how much work you’ve done tonight. All that was on your screen was this.

Click to finish: Open Letter to the Most Annoying People Studying in the Library

(Source: College Humor)

Do you remember me? Do you remember the way you used to hold me? 
Read A Letter From Your Long Lost Nokia Phone

Do you remember me? Do you remember the way you used to hold me? 

Read A Letter From Your Long Lost Nokia Phone

Now you can get offended by the internet more easily than ever!
Finish reading An Easy Form Letter for All Your Internet Outrage Needs

Now you can get offended by the internet more easily than ever!

Finish reading An Easy Form Letter for All Your Internet Outrage Needs

Incredibly Immature War Letter

I, like, totes miss you.

(Source: youtube.com)

A Letter About Our Restaurant Rating
Hello friendly neighborhood patron! You may be reading this because you noticed there is no rating from the health department in our window. Now I do recognize that this is a bit of a strange occurrence and may seem like a cover up for a poor rating but I assure you: it certainly isn’t.We here at McGrooder’s Family Restaurant want you to know that we care about you. And we would never try to hurt anyone in our beloved community. Rest assured that if McGrooder’s were to theoretically receive some kind of random letter grade, let’s say an F, for health code violations then I would immediately shut down the restaurant and fix whatever feces/mold/blood stained seats related problem the restaurant had. This is a family restaurant, first and foremost. And there is one thing that family honors most: honesty. Now, can I honestly say that our restaurant is always 100% spotless? No. But can I say that fewer than three rats have given birth in our kitchen? Why yes, I can say very confidently that fewer than three female super rats have given birth in the pans where we cook our tomato sauce. And that is something that we here at McGrooder’s take a lot of pride in.I know what you are probably thinking now: “Why don’t you just put up the grade you got in the window if it isn’t bad?” I am not going to say that we struck a deal with the Health Department that allows us to stay open as long as we put up a personal letter that explicitly states our grade. But I will say that we Find that Family comes First and all of our customers are Family and that Family isn’t about grades; it is about being together Forever. So, say we did get an F rating and the restaurant is currently under investigation for breeding super rats? We know our family wouldn’t let that affect how they felt about us. And that is why we love them.Let’s face it, everyone finds hair in his or her mozzarella sticks once in a while. And I think we can all agree that it is very hard to differentiate between pizza dough and asbestos that has fallen from the ceiling. And you pretty much have to be some kind of warlock to make sure every dish is clean. Also it isn’t like I go to your house and judge everything you do. If you can rub one out on your couch and eat there too then I can do the same in my booths. We all have to take a moment to realize that we have all ingested at least a small amount of ejaculate at some point or another in our lives. You know that statistic that says you will eat around eight spiders in your sleep every year? Well, the same statistic applies here except the spiders are male ejaculate and instead of sleeping you are having a meatball sub at a local family restaurant.So, that is all we wanted to say here at McGrooder’s. We value are being able to be open and candid with our customers and make our relationship more friendly than business related. So let’s just forget about this whole thing and make sure to come on down to McGrooders and bring the whole family. We will have a nice hot meal waiting for you and we promise to do something about the overwhelming stench from the dead homeless guy out in the alley.Best Wishes and Love,McGrooder’s Staff and Management

A Letter About Our Restaurant Rating

Hello friendly neighborhood patron! You may be reading this because you noticed there is no rating from the health department in our window. Now I do recognize that this is a bit of a strange occurrence and may seem like a cover up for a poor rating but I assure you: it certainly isn’t.

We here at McGrooder’s Family Restaurant want you to know that we care about you. And we would never try to hurt anyone in our beloved community. Rest assured that if McGrooder’s were to theoretically receive some kind of random letter grade, let’s say an F, for health code violations then I would immediately shut down the restaurant and fix whatever feces/mold/blood stained seats related problem the restaurant had. 

This is a family restaurant, first and foremost. And there is one thing that family honors most: honesty. Now, can I honestly say that our restaurant is always 100% spotless? No. But can I say that fewer than three rats have given birth in our kitchen? Why yes, I can say very confidently that fewer than three female super rats have given birth in the pans where we cook our tomato sauce. And that is something that we here at McGrooder’s take a lot of pride in.

I know what you are probably thinking now: “Why don’t you just put up the grade you got in the window if it isn’t bad?” I am not going to say that we struck a deal with the Health Department that allows us to stay open as long as we put up a personal letter that explicitly states our grade. But I will say that we Find that Family comes First and all of our customers are Family and that Family isn’t about grades; it is about being together Forever. So, say we did get an F rating and the restaurant is currently under investigation for breeding super rats? We know our family wouldn’t let that affect how they felt about us. And that is why we love them.

Let’s face it, everyone finds hair in his or her mozzarella sticks once in a while. And I think we can all agree that it is very hard to differentiate between pizza dough and asbestos that has fallen from the ceiling. And you pretty much have to be some kind of warlock to make sure every dish is clean. Also it isn’t like I go to your house and judge everything you do. If you can rub one out on your couch and eat there too then I can do the same in my booths. We all have to take a moment to realize that we have all ingested at least a small amount of ejaculate at some point or another in our lives. You know that statistic that says you will eat around eight spiders in your sleep every year? Well, the same statistic applies here except the spiders are male ejaculate and instead of sleeping you are having a meatball sub at a local family restaurant.

So, that is all we wanted to say here at McGrooder’s. We value are being able to be open and candid with our customers and make our relationship more friendly than business related. So let’s just forget about this whole thing and make sure to come on down to McGrooders and bring the whole family. We will have a nice hot meal waiting for you and we promise to do something about the overwhelming stench from the dead homeless guy out in the alley.

Best Wishes and Love,
McGrooder’s Staff and Management

A Letter from That One Ugly Concrete Building on Campus
I know what you think of me. I hear your little nicknames for me: “The Fortress,” “The Cubes,” “The Bloc,” “Castle Grayskull.” I see the way the tour guides make little jokes and usher away prospective students before anyone can look at me too long. Well, you fuckers don’t know balls about shit.

What? You spend thirty minutes in one art history class and suddenly you think you’re Frank Fucking Gehry? You have no idea what you’re talking about. You couldn’t tell a Gothic building from Bauhaus if you had your head shoved right up its buttresses. Sorry? What was that? Something about me looking boring? Gosh, I guess it’s hard to hear you with your mouth full of Johnny Ive’s minimalist cock. But hey, I don’t take it personally. Because I know this isn’t about me; it’s about you.
Continue reading

A Letter from That One Ugly Concrete Building on Campus

I know what you think of me. I hear your little nicknames for me: “The Fortress,” “The Cubes,” “The Bloc,” “Castle Grayskull.” I see the way the tour guides make little jokes and usher away prospective students before anyone can look at me too long. Well, you fuckers don’t know balls about shit.

What? You spend thirty minutes in one art history class and suddenly you think you’re Frank Fucking Gehry? You have no idea what you’re talking about. You couldn’t tell a Gothic building from Bauhaus if you had your head shoved right up its buttresses. Sorry? What was that? Something about me looking boring? Gosh, I guess it’s hard to hear you with your mouth full of Johnny Ive’s minimalist cock. But hey, I don’t take it personally. Because I know this isn’t about me; it’s about you.

Continue reading

(Source: College Humor)

Pool Closed For Poop
When you gotta go, you gotta go. And then after you go, you gotta jump back into the public pool. Obviously.

Pool Closed For Poop

When you gotta go, you gotta go. And then after you go, you gotta jump back into the public pool. Obviously.

(Source: reddit.com)

The Lonely Island: Spell It Out

The O.G. is silent.

(Source: youtube.com)

Yo, Please Gimme a Letter of Recommendation [Click to continue]

Let’s be professional about this. 

I Think This College Might Be Catfishing Me [Click for more]

You can never be too sure what college you’re applying to.

An Open Letter to Hollywood from the Orphans of America [Click for full letter]

We’re not murderers! Not all of us, at least.

An Open Letter to People Who Write Open Letters on the Internet 
Dear People Who Write Open Letters on the Internet,Stop. Shut up. You aren’t charming and I hate you.Let’s start with the obvious. Most people will agree that the most annoying thing about your open letters is the gall of your presumption that everyone reading is automatically in total agreement with you. Like just because they stumbled upon something you wrote on a website, they’re gonna back up your obnoxious opinions! It’s ridiculous, right?And let’s not forget the sheer audacity of expecting that people looove your glorious prose so much that they’d be honored to read something you write that isn’t even directed at them. I bet you use really poetic language too. Yes, we’re all clamoring for the chance to push our metaphorical glass against the wall of your mind to listen in on the glistening brain nuggets you dole out into our outstretched beggar’s hands. Pathetic.
Oh, and that’s another thing- you always act like you’re just remembering additional complaints in the middle of your letter, instead of carefully planning when to deploy them. REALBELIEVABLE.Which reminds me, that’s another thing that’s terrible about open letters: something about the form seems to invite you, the author, to just toss around caps lock willy-nilly as if the reader is already sympathetic to whatever stupidly emotional thing you’re feeling in the moment. I hate it! FUCK CAPS LOCK!! 
Continue reading

An Open Letter to People Who Write Open Letters on the Internet 

Dear People Who Write Open Letters on the Internet,

Stop. Shut up. You aren’t charming and I hate you.

Let’s start with the obvious. Most people will agree that the most annoying thing about your open letters is the gall of your presumption that everyone reading is automatically in total agreement with you. Like just because they stumbled upon something you wrote on a website, they’re gonna back up your obnoxious opinions! It’s ridiculous, right?

And let’s not forget the sheer audacity of expecting that people looove your glorious prose so much that they’d be honored to read something you write that isn’t even directed at them. I bet you use really poetic language too. Yes, we’re all clamoring for the chance to push our metaphorical glass against the wall of your mind to listen in on the glistening brain nuggets you dole out into our outstretched beggar’s hands. Pathetic.

Oh, and that’s another thing- you always act like you’re just remembering additional complaints in the middle of your letter, instead of carefully planning when to deploy them. REALBELIEVABLE.

Which reminds me, that’s another thing that’s terrible about open letters: something about the form seems to invite you, the author, to just toss around caps lock willy-nilly as if the reader is already sympathetic to whatever stupidly emotional thing you’re feeling in the moment. I hate it! FUCK CAPS LOCK!! 

Continue reading

The Most Confusing College Response Letter [Click for more]

So… wait, did I get in or not?