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The New Testament

God: Hey Jews.

Jews: Hey.

God: So listen, guys, I’m thinking we go in a different direction with this whole religion.

Jews: What?

God: You know, do a non-gritty reboot. Same God taste, new God packaging. That sort of thing.

Jews: We don’t follow.

God: Okay, work with me here, guys. Remember the whole “angry God” thing?

Jews: Vividly.

God: Where I killed a whole bunch of you and-

Jews: Yeah.

God: And forty years in the-

Jews: We remember that.

God: Not to mention Robo-Hitler. Yikes.

Jews: Wait, what?

God: Whoops, forget I said that. “Spoiler Alert,” am I right? 

Jews: …

God: Anyway, we’re going to re-work this whole “God” thing. For example, kid-friendly is big these days in religion.

Jews: So, like…?

God: For example, I’m super chill now, for some reason. Plus there’s a heaven. Oh, and this is Jesus. He’s my son, and he’s God too, or something. It’s complicated, ok?

Jesus: Yo.

Jews: I think we’ll stick with the old one here.

God: Look, I love the brand loyalty, Jews, I really do. But this whole “God” thing isn’t playing to the right demographics. Jesus is a hip, young God, you know, for the whole “A.D.” generations.

Jesus: Surfs up, dudes!

God: Ha, that Jesus. What a character, right? This is going to play huge in Rome…

Jews: This…goes against everything you’ve ever told us.

God: No it doesn’t, so just shut up. Also, Jesus, you’re going to die.

Jesus: What? I thought I was your son! Or God. Or both!

God: Look, this is just complicated, okay Jesus? Besides, you totally return when you fight the Devil.

Jews: Who?

God: Right, he’s another new character. He’s like an evil God. Plot twist, right? We’re arch enemies.

Jesus: Why would you make your own arch-enemy? That’s really stupid.

God: Shut up, Jesus. And what would you know? You’re made of bread and wine.

Jesus: What? Why?

God: Sponsorships, alright? New testaments aren’t cheap.

Jews: I’m sorry, this is just way too different. Is this your fan-fiction or something?

God: Of course not. This is the logical progression of Judaism which I planned all along. Like when I made all those references to a lamb. 

Jews: You made, like, five.

God: Well, they were all about Jesus. Foreshadowing. Um, I guess. So there.

Jews: Couldn’t you have been clearer then?

God: I work in mysterious ways, okay? Look, just go with it guys. I worked really hard on this. And come on, you totally owe me for the whole “creation” thing anyway.

(pause)

Most Jews: Well, I guess we could.

God: Awesome! “Most Jews,” aka “New Christians”-

New Christians: We’re what now?

God: You won’t regret this guys. I have the whole thing planned perfectly.

Holy Ghost: Oooooooooh!

God: …

New Christians: …

God: You’re going to love it.

If you ever feel bad about how many followers you have just remember that Jesus only had 12.

Follow Streeter Seidell on Tumblr 

So Jesus and Colonel Sanders Walk into a Bar…
"So… is meat actually murder? Asking for a friend."

So Jesus and Colonel Sanders Walk into a Bar…

"So… is meat actually murder? Asking for a friend."

(Source: reddit.com)

Jesus Takes Cross Fit Quite Literally

Your soul’s gonna get so jacked.

Did someone say “America”?

(Source: reddit.com)

If Other Directors Adapted Bible Stories »
Jesus Opened a Shoe Repair Shop
Does he work on Holey Shoes too?

Jesus Opened a Shoe Repair Shop

Does he work on Holey Shoes too?

(Source: reddit.com)

Reporter Fired for This

This story is still developing a sense of maturity.

(Source: youtube.com)

Oh, Jesus. Merry Christmas, Internet.

These People Are Seriously Wondering How Old Jesus Would Be Today

In “Twidiots”, we collect the choicest thoughts on a particular topic from Twitter’s millions of users. 

Dodge Truck Nativity Scene
Fun Fact: The son of God was born in the back of a Dodge.

Dodge Truck Nativity Scene

Fun Fact: The son of God was born in the back of a Dodge.

(Source: img.izismile.com)

Jesus is My Ni**a

Lord forgive them for they know not what they do.

(Source: youtube.com)

Who Would Win in a Fight?

Who’s the strongest, quickest, biggest badass of them all? Start voting now.

Man Has Had Sex with Over 1,000 Cars

He’s a tailpipe man.

(Source: youtube.com)

Church Sign Speaks to Cool Kids
Whatever, his dad still pays his rent.

Church Sign Speaks to Cool Kids

Whatever, his dad still pays his rent.

(Source: img.izismile.com)

How Did This Person Not Get Hit by a Train?
His day could have been a train wreck.

How Did This Person Not Get Hit by a Train?

His day could have been a train wreck.