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By Professor Romeo von Sexhaver

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How Not to Buy Drugs

Are you my guy? Are you the guy I’m meeting? My friend said you’d be wearing a hat. That’s not very descriptive though, there are like 30 people out here wearing hats. My boy said to just drop his name. So here it goes. Ryan. Does that do anything for you? Do you know Ryan? Cool, I guess you’re my guy. Ryan’s guy with the hat, what a foolproof method, can’t go wrong there.

So he said you had good stuff at a fair price. No, I don’t want weed idiot, I want cannabis sativa. Oh, right, I was just joking. So how much tetrahydrocannabinol is in this? You don’t know? I feel like that’s something you should know. You would be a horrible salesman in the real world. Sorry, sorry, I’m just saying.

I don’t know how much I want. How much is enough for me to get high, but not too high, just like a medium high. Is a pound enough to get me high…better give me two, just in case? An eighth? Of a pound? Oh right, ounce, I knew that. A dime bag? Wow, it’s that cheap. In that case give me like 20 dime bags. I thought drugs were a lot more expensive, I guess the economy’s doing well.

So once I have it I just tie up and shoot it up into my arm right? Snort it? Smoke it? Can’t I just eat it plain? Gotcha! I’m just messing with you man. But seriously, can I just eat it? No? Ok.

What the hell is this?!? What’re you trying to sell me? A clump of green dirt? Are you trying to pull a fast one on me? Listen up mister and listen up well, I’m no fool. I looked up marijuana on Wikipedia. I know it’s a leaf with a lot of pretty petals. This stuff looks like dried up leprechaun feces.

So what’re the effects? I want to experience the world in a new light. What’s it going to do to me? I have Attention Deficit Disorder with a tad bit of severe depression, could that be a problem? My health teacher in high school said marijuana is a gateway drug. Is that true? Will I be snorting coke off a prostitute’s ass next week? This may be a bad idea. I’m really starting to freak out!

Are you a cop?!? You don’t look like a cop, but you could be undercover. Show me your badge! A cop can’t refuse to show you his badge if he’s a cop. I saw that on a show once. Fine, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you’re not a cop. But if you are I’ll be very disappointed. I hate being lied to.

Oh, while I’m here, do you have any opium? We were talking about that in my history class the other day, sounded pretty cool. No? That’s ok. What about tobacco? Oh, that’s legal? Convenience store, got it. 

Actually all I have on me is my debit card? Do you take Visa? No? Oh man, guess this transaction isn’t going down today

I’ll come back another time.

(Source: College Humor)

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If you have any of these symptoms then you might be a basic bitch.
Watch How To Tell if You’re a Basic Bitch

If you have any of these symptoms then you might be a basic bitch.

Watch How To Tell if You’re a Basic Bitch

How To Tell if You’re a Basic Bitch

She’s lucky to have caught it early. #blessed

How to Tie a Tie: A Beginner’s Guide

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How To Record a TV Clip for Youtube in 12 Terrible Steps

1) Pause your tv before the moment you want to record.

2) Stand WAY too close to your tv. Like, RIGHT there.

3) Turn the volume way down.

4) Take out your phone and hold it at a 28 degree angle to the tv instead of just straight.

5) Adjust the focus until everything’s too bright to see.

6) Run a vacuum cleaner.

7) Hit “Record” on your phone a full 8-10 seconds before you start the actual clip.

8) Vigorously shake your phone throughout the clip. This will make the clip cool.

9) Laugh loudly throughout the clip into your phone.

10) Stop the clip at a random, jarring time before it’s finished.

11) Upload to Youtube and title it something unfindable.

12) Congrats! You are now literally Martin Scorsese.

If you did everything correctly, your clip SHOULD look like this.

This was written by the same person who did “How to Talk to Your Friend About Being a Cat Lady”. 

This was written by the same person who did “How to Talk to Your Friend About Being a Cat Lady”.