1. WOOOHOOOOOOO! Road trip. Got your shades, got your playlist, got your snacks. Man, you feel like such a grown up. But not just any grownup — an interesting citizen of the world. Like, you bet you’ll write a cool memoir someday. Who knows what CrAzY adventures you and your best buds will get into on this trip?
2. Jesus, you did not realize renting a car would be this expensive. And that you’d have to drive the whole way because everyone else you’re going with doesn’t have the right insurance. But whatever. This is exactly the kind of thing you SHOULD be spending money on. LIVING.
3. Huh. Traffic already. Weird. Well, once you get on the highway it’ll start being fun.
4. Your friends have already run out of interesting things to talk about, so they turned on the radio, but it’s at that annoying volume that’s too loud to ignore and too quiet to really hear well, and for some reason you’re embarrassed to ask to turn it up. It must just be you. Are you hard of hearing now? Are you super old?
5. You kinda wish you were alone in the car so you could turn it way up and sing along badly. Definitely can’t do that with other people there. At least not this early in the trip.
6. The radio’s started getting more and more fuzzy, but it’s a good song so no one wants to be the one to change it. This is getting unbearable.
7. Oh right, you have a playlist! Subtly adjust the volume when you plug your phone in.
8. Kind of hard to enjoy the music when you can’t stop analyzing whether your friends think your taste in music is cool or not.
9. Oh god, more traffic. How?
10. This is awful. It is so absurd to just be sitting in a giant machine on the highway and not going anywhere. We really need to rethink the whole concept of cars.
11. You wish you had some water. Why didn’t you bring more water? It’s like just BEING in a car dehydrates you.
12. Maybe if you get into the other lane…? Cool, now everyone on the road is giving you dirty looks. YOU DIDN’T ASK FOR THIS, OKAY?
13. Your asshole friend in the passenger seat keeps doing little passive-aggressively dramatic things like gasping when you hit the brakes too hard or clutching the side of the door when you accelerate too fast.
14. Even though the whole reason you’re the one driving in the first place is because SHE HAS THREE SPEEDING TICKETS. Dick.
15. I’M DOING YOU A FAVOR, ASSHOLE.
16. You’re not sure how this happened but suddenly you’re FUCKING FURIOUS AT EVERYONE IN THE CAR AND OUTSIDE THE CAR AND IN THE WORLD.
17. You’re also suddenly and mysteriously SO hungry. No idea why you thought one sad lady yogurt-coated granola bar would be enough of a snack.
18. How can you be both dehydrated AND have to pee really badly?
19. Because of the traffic, there’s no time for a break at any of the cool roadside places you were going to whimsically stop in.
19. Disgusting gas station bathroom it is.
20. Ahhhhh, those first twenty seconds out of the car. What a high.
21. Ugh. Now you’re still hungry but also feel gross. Why did you think it would be funny to buy and eat that entire bag of “teriyaki equivalent” beef jerky?
22. Fucking motorcycles, weaving in front of you and then into the other lane and then back in front of you. Make up your mind! And stop being so loud! What are you trying to prove? That your DICKS are really loud? I hope you crash. No, okay, I don’t actually hope that. (Do I?) (Am I a bad person?)
23. Oh my god, if your goddamn friend in the backseat opens that FUCKING window again. It’s doing that horrible wind tunnel thing where the air, like, throbs through the car and gives you an instant headache. FUCK HIM.
24. Why don’t you just ask him to close it?
25. “Hey, can we close that window?” Just say it. Just open your mouth and say it.
26. Nope. It’s impossible. You are incapable of confrontation. What is the matter with you???
27. Now your right knee hurts from switching between the gas and the brake over and over. Guess this is what it’s like to be old. You missed your chance to ever have a road trip adventure when you were young and healthy. Now everything will suck forever.
28. Wow, you are cranky. You actually can’t remember if being in a car for this many hours has changed your personality, or if this is just who you are all the time now.
29. HOW ARE YOU STILL NOT THERE?
30. Oh, thank God. You’ve made it. You can get out of the car.
31. Of course no one thanks you for driving. You’re going to murder them in their sleep tonight. You vow to never, ever, sign up to drive anyone anywhere ever again.
32. Time for the return trip.