Two points for each overheated uncle who passes out.
No one ever taught me how to write a goddamn cover letter!
Finish reading The 5 Stages of Graduation Grief
Pass this along to your high school buddies, if you remember who they are.
Click for MORE: If We All Talked About Our Post-Grad Plans Like Successful People Do
I’m living my dream! (Technically my nightmare, but it still counts.)
(Source: College Humor)
Click to FINISH: 7 Things You HAVE To Do Before Graduating College
Like all good things, eventually your time at College must come to an end, which is why we’ve compiled this helpful list of things you and your fellow seniors DEFINITELY need to do to before graduating. Time to go out with a bang!
(Source: College Humor)
As we go on, don’t remember (we got concussed).
I am writing to inform you that you are a liar and an asshole.
As you are aware, I recently graduated from the fine institution of Sarah Lawrence College with you in my hands and a dopey expression of naïve optimism on my face. As I gazed upon you with a false sense of accomplishment, you whispered, “Don’t worry. I’m here for you. Go out into the world.”
But I’m onto you, dickweed. You must have been in cahoots with the commencement speaker, because I left graduation feeling pretty damn special. In fact, I exited campus that day as confident as a Samurai. And do you know why I chose Samurai for that metaphor, Liberal Arts Degree? Because Samurai skills are pretty cool when you’re learning them, but are actually pretty fucking useless in the real world.
Part of me is impressed by your trickery. You must have felt preeetty pleased for that time you convinced me that math classes were unnecessary. “Expand your horizons”, you said. “Become more well-rounded,” you said. Well, Liberal Arts Degree, thanks to you, I can barely add double digit numbers. Oh, if you have a moment, could you do me a favor and call up Wittgenstein? Because last time I checked, him and that Cambodian basket-weaving class I took a few semesters ago weren’t planning on paying for my rent.
Oh, and remember that time we got a little drunk and you told me I had a “great imagination?” And that if “I can dream it, I can do it”? That was some real solid advice. Because you know what dreams and the imagination have in common? They both ONLY TAKE PLACE INSIDE MY HEAD. Though it is funny you said that, Liberal Arts Degree, because sometimes when I become bored, I imagine I’m Regis Philbin when he was still hosting Live! With Regis and Kelly. And last night, I had a startlingly vivid dream I was flying an elephant over the Charles River. But when I woke up, I was still waiting tables in my hometown.
Oh Liberal Arts Degree, how did it come to this? We used to be so happy together. Sometimes I look back longingly on the first few years of college, when you were so charming and inviting and we got along so well—before I knew of your lies and deceit. If only I had listened to my parents, who warned me of your negative influences. If only I hadn’t cut off all of my hair because of you, and now people weren’t constantly assuming I’m a lesbian. If only I had known then that choosing a concentration in English led to one of two career paths. If only.
But we can’t change the past, Liberal Arts Degree, and so you can go suck on one. I want you to know that I’ve not only moved on, but am in pursuit of something way more attractive. So get jealous, because it’s called a Master’s Degree — and although I’m not sure exactly how, it’s totally going to secure my future.
P.S. I recognize this is a bit of a touchy subject now, but do you think you could talk to your dad about sending me the email address of his friend, the screenwriter? I know it’s far-fetched but I’m really just trying to get my foot in the door. Thanks.
As yet another friend back at school asked what graduating is like, the idea dawned upon me to capture the sounds of this fascinating postgrad summer in the form of a 14-track album! I can’t currently fund the recording and production myself for these songs I’d like to write (see: first sentence), but you can!
The clear voice-of-a-generation-like potential is obvious from the following rough outline of the album, which I assume will open your wallets so hard they’ll pull a… something wallets have.
This upbeat, pop-y opener is about fresh-faced optimism and also how a bachelor’s degree doesn’t necessarily qualify you to take someone’s phone messages.
2. I Never Learned To Feed Myself feat. Pasta, Mostly
This upbeat, pop-y second track is about fresh-faced optimism about the nutritional value in Pop-Tarts and beer.
3. Moving Back Home
I feel like this is far enough along to get a little personal.
Sample Lyric: Maybe I’d mope less if I didn’t have to live / On the couch / On the couch / On the couch / Shut up, Mom
4. Entry Level Unpaid
Sample Lyric: 3+ yrs. / Exp. / Req. (Like techno-y? Something that’d communicate the repetitive, infuriating nature of this phrase, and also techno.)
5. How Do You Meet People Now feat. All Of My Exes (Remix)
I envision this as a “Mambo No. 5” for the generation that isn’t afraid to admit desperation. Eventually someone will find it endearing. Keep reading.
(Source: College Humor)
Looks like someone is Lady and the Tramp-ing it.
If you sing about it, you don’t have to grow up, right?
So you’re graduating from the four-year orgy of overindulgence we call college and moving on to the grueling existential crisis that is adulthood. Congrats! The party may be over, but that doesn’t mean you have to spend the next forty years of your life drowning in a vast, inescapable sea of student loan debt and lolcat forwards. Here’s some advice for making the jump from someone who’s been there.
The Six Types of Commencement Speakers [Click for more]
Take a look at some of the different commencement speakers this graduation season.
Graduation is a time for celebration. However, sometimes these celebrations can run a little long, sometimes they can even be dare I say… boring? Maybe consider adding a spontaneous beach ball toss, or a good ole’ fashion streaking to your special day! We can personally guarantee you’ll have just as much fun as these lucky graduates.