Here’s a simple life philosophy: "Be more aware of where your food comes from, and make a daily effort to eat better."
The Health Truther knows that this philosophy is for PUSSIES. Forget “just trying to eat well” — this Facebook vet knows that EVERY SINGLE DAY, 3 more foods are revealed to have NEAR-MAGICAL HEALING POWERS OF IMMORTALITY and 3 other foods have been scientifically proven to MURDER YOU AND EVERYONE YOU CARE ABOUT (and those foods KNOW who you care about).
These reports often conflict, or are completely exaggerated for click-baiting effect, or are wholly inaccurate, but that’s not important. What IS important is that this person must post EVERY SINGLE ONE in an effort to make you aware of your inevitable impending death and to let you know that they’re now immune to liver cancer because they ate cilantro twice.
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Tip: Save the time you would have spent watching lifehacks by watching this.
Sound the dumbass alarm, because here comes the king. Let me explain:
I just had a super long/busy day at work (Internet was slow, printer was broken, blah blah blah), so I had not eaten all day. So I get home, too lazy to cook, and order a 2 liter bottle of Pepsi and a PIZZA. Pepperoni, Mushrooms, Olive, Extra Cheese. Perfection.
I wait the longest thirty minutes of my life and finally my doorbell rings (Best sound ever?). Sure enough, it’s the pizza guy. I give him exact change (no tip – haha) and shut the door.
I set the 2 liter Pepsi down, open the pizza box, and lo and behold, there she is: Extra large pie, pepperoni, mushrooms, olives, and extra cheese. Beauty.
Okay, so. I take the entire pizza out of the box, and put it on my kitchen counter. So at this point there are three things on my kitchen counter, the Pepsi bottle, the entire pizza, and the empty box.
At this point I’m literally starving to death… so I take the “pizza” over to my living room and, sitting indian style two feet away from my television, I begin devouring the “pie” and watching Tosh point 0. (Or at least, I think it’s the pie. Keep reading.)
One slice down, another slice down, I do not look down once. My eyes are fixated on the show (web redemption for the win). Keep in mind, this entire time, the pizza tastes a little off. Not terribly wrong, but like cardboard and pizza grease moreso than dough, cheese, sauce, and toppings. (You’ll see why. Keep reading.)
After downing SIX slices of the “pizza” my throat and stomach are starting to hurt. Not like insane pain, but like, the kind of pain you feel when you’re eating sharp-ish triangles of paper. “Whatever, pizza is pizza” and I keep eating.
After about two-and-a-half hours I finally finish the “pie” (Anybody who says I can’t eat a whole pizza is a liar lol) but at this point my throat is really torn up and my stomach is experiencing sharp pain. Just then, I remember: THE PEPSI!
I crawl over to the kitchen (at this point I can’t even stand up haha) and what do I see? It’s the entire pizza pie on my kitchen counter. For a split second, I think I ordered two pies and forgot (Yeah — I was that hungry) but then I realized… wait… DID I JUST EATTHE BOX AND LEAVE THE PIZZA IN THE KITCHEN!?!?
I stumble back to my living room, sure enough, there it is, scraps of pizza box, napkins, and paper plates. It looked like my dog had gotten to it (he’s a lovable dumbass lol.) Even the little plastic table that they put in the box for decoration has two legs missing. Turns out, my thoughts in the kitchen were right: I ATE THE ENTIRE PIZZA BOX AND LEFTTHE PIZZA IN THE KITCHEN!
And they say humans are the smartest animal because…?
(Source: College Humor)
I can’t remember the last time I saw a Grey Poupon ad on TV, and unfortunately that’s probably not about to change. YouTuber OBVS has uploaded a “banned ad” and even it if is just a spoof — which I suspect it might be — it’s a damn clever one. It doesn’t exactly make me hungry for a sandwich, though.
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Caldwell and Nathan draw what Nathan saw while he was under the influence of the ghost pepper.