(Source: College Humor)
Wait, did I sleep through the end of the world, again? [Click for full article]
I’ve settled my debts. Prayed for forgiveness. Duct taped myself inside my dorm room. I am at peace with the end of everything as we know it. As soon as that happens. Wait, when’s that supposed to happen again? December twenty-somethingth? I always forget. Shit.
I know I have it down somewhere. Let’s see… cats dressed like people calender, people dressed like cats calendar, Jets team schedule, ah, here it is, Mayan calendar!
Err, how do I read this again? Shit shit shit.
OK, don’t panic, I’m sure I haven’t missed it. I would have heard something right? Or nothing? Can you hear nothing? Brimstone maybe? What the hell is brimstone? Oh god, what day is today?!
FUCK! I slept through it again, didn’t I? This happens every goddamn time. I write it down on the dry erase board on my door. I start prepping. Then my roommate and his friends get drunk and draw dicks all over my dry erase board, which makes it hard to read what I wrote down. Next thing I know I’m back on XBOX Live playing Uncharted, wondering why all the sudden I have so much bottled water and solar powered survival gear.
If I missed this apocalypse I’m totally gonna fail the universe this semester and I’m definitely never going to get into a top tier heaven. My ancestors are gonna be pissed if I end up in the crappy Scientology one…[Keep Reading]
Twas the Night Before Finals [Click for full poem]
Twas the night before finals, when all through the dorm
Not a person was sleeping, though that was the norm
Empty Red Bull, iced coffee, and tash strewn about
In hope that some seeds of knowledge would sprout
The students were sitting uncomfortably at their chairs
Hoping thoughts of good grades won’t be met with despair.
And my roommate in his pajamas, and I in my jeans
Studied like monsters and wrote like machines.
When from outside the building came such a racket
I leaped up from my desk and put on my jacket.
Out of the building I went in a hurry,
My nose meeting smells of ramen, beer, and curry.
The glow of the moon lit up the scene:
Fog on two sides, with a man in between
Emerging from the smoke with two hands outstretched
Holding red plastic cups? It seemed quite farfetched.
Then, after a step or two to keep up his balance
(He seemed to be under some sort of influence)
I realized who the man in front of me must be!
St. Procrastinate himself, it could only be he!
Ambling towards me without a care at all,
He saw my studious nature and seemed quite appalled
“What are you doing, huh? Preparing for exams?
Writing papers, doing projects, and trying to cram?”
“Go out and enjoy your life, just learn to let loose
Time spent in a library is time spent in misuse.
Why bother studying with so much fun at your disposal?”
He took a quick sip of something, and began his proposal: [Keep Reading]
So beautiful and heartbreaking and holy fuck I have a final in two days.
“You should always drop a tab of acid before an exam. That way, pass or fail, you’ll still get flying colours.”
"After a serious spill, a former study partner begins to stalk me like a procrastinating puma on an answer sheet."