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Here’s a simple life philosophy: "Be more aware of where your food comes from, and make a daily effort to eat better."

The Health Truther knows that this philosophy is for PUSSIES. Forget “just trying to eat well” — this Facebook vet knows that EVERY SINGLE DAY, 3 more foods are revealed to have NEAR-MAGICAL HEALING POWERS OF IMMORTALITY and 3 other foods have been scientifically proven to MURDER YOU AND EVERYONE YOU CARE ABOUT (and those foods KNOW who you care about).

These reports often conflict, or are completely exaggerated for click-baiting effect, or are wholly inaccurate, but that’s not important. What IS important is that this person must post EVERY SINGLE ONE in an effort to make you aware of your inevitable impending death and to let you know that they’re now immune to liver cancer because they ate cilantro twice.

Finish reading The 7 People Who Post CONSTANTLY On Facebook

AKA, "The Employed Person Who Is Somehow Never Not On Vacation"

Whoa! This person just posted SEVENTY-ONE new photos from Halong Bay, Vietnam! That’s pretty impressive, especially considering they were literally in Santorini, Greece three weeks ago, and even MORE impressive considering they SOMEHOW HAVE A FUCKING JOB?

How are they off work 90% of the time? Did they secretly get fired years ago but also embezzled billions of dollars on their way out? Are they Photoshopping themselves into 71 Google Images? Or are they just Australian??? HOW??

Finish reading The 7 People Who Post CONSTANTLY On Facebook

Finish reading If Your Fitness App Were Brutally Honest

So you’re looking to SPICE UP your sex life with a little ‘S&M’ action, but you don’t know the first thing about how to incorporate ‘pain’ into your pleasure? Don’t worry! Here are some super light S&M techniques that anyone can do (sometimes even intentionally!) to help you work your way up, starting with just a little bit of mild discomfort!

Finish reading 5 Incredibly Simple S&M Sex Moves for Beginners

10 Things We Have TOO MANY SONGS About »

Nothing’s tougher than a knuck tat.

Finish reading The 12 Best Possible Knuckle Tattoos

Finish reading 5 Self-Help Pamphlets For Your Super Easy Life

1. We are replacing the ENTIRE government — House, Senate, myself, you name it — with three sagely dudes in white robes with long white beards.

We will call them “The Three Clerics” or just “The Three,” and they will convey all government decisions to us through telepathy while floating in a giant chamber in the “Temple of Elders” (the middle guy will float a little higher than the other two).

I realize this is a radical, abrupt departure from our current system of Constitutional checks and balances, but I assure you, I’ve looked towards the future, and three vaguely-magical dudes proclaiming cryptic wisdom is definitely the way to go. Also they’ll have orbs.

2. All major cities will be renamed something cool and futuristic.

Finish reading 10 Things That Will Happen Before Every Futuristic Movie

We are performing LIVE TONIGHT in NYC at the Upright Citizens Brigade in Chelsea!
Our monthly show has some of the best stand-up/sketch comedy in the city and you can RSVP here for free! 

newyork.ucbtheatre.com


We are performing LIVE TONIGHT in NYC at the Upright Citizens Brigade in Chelsea!

Our monthly show has some of the best stand-up/sketch comedy in the city and you can RSVP here for free! 

newyork.ucbtheatre.com

CollegeHumor is LIVE TONIGHT in NYC at the Upright Citizens Brigade!
Get your tickets now - You can RSVP here for free! 

newyork.ucbtheatre.com


CollegeHumor is LIVE TONIGHT in NYC at the Upright Citizens Brigade!

Get your tickets now - You can RSVP here for free! 

newyork.ucbtheatre.com

CollegeHumor is LIVE tomorrow night in NYC at the Upright Citizens Brigade!
Get your tickets now - You can RSVP here for free! 

newyork.ucbtheatre.com

CollegeHumor is LIVE tomorrow night in NYC at the Upright Citizens Brigade!

Get your tickets now - You can RSVP here for free! 

newyork.ucbtheatre.com

Whhhyyy are you holding someone else’s child…?

Finish reading The 8 Types Of Profile Pics That Should Be Illegal

Come to CH Live this Thursday in NEW YORK! You can RSVP for free and see some of the best stand-up and sketch comedy in the city.
Tickets here: NewYork.UCBtheatre.com

Come to CH Live this Thursday in NEW YORK! You can RSVP for free and see some of the best stand-up and sketch comedy in the city.

Tickets here: NewYork.UCBtheatre.com

What Middle America Is Like According To Truck Commercials
We’re strong, simple people. We enjoy the simple pleasures: Flannel, dirty gloves, throwing lumber onto truckbeds in slow-mo, leaning on fences, you name it. MAN do we love leaning on fences. Wood fences, wire fences — you give us a fence, we’ll lean the fuck on it.Out here, it’s always sunrise or sunset. Are there other times in the day? We don’t know. And frankly, we don’t want to know. We’re simple like that. All we know is that this lumber has to go from here to somewhere else, and it’s up to us to move it. Also there’s horses out here so shut those greasy gates and let’s peel out into the mud.Us? We’re all about family. When we’re not about lumber. Which is often. But we’ll swing by the son’s Little League game and rub his head when his team loses, then swing by the gal’s Little League game and rub her head when her team loses. Just let em know that it’s all gonna be ok because we love them, and we’ll get that lumber where it needs to go.But we’re not afraid to let loose every now and then! Sometimes we go to the diner where the way-too-attractive waitress pours us coffee and gives us broad smiles. She may look like a model but she’s got flannel on and never isn’t turning around with a coffee pot so she’s one of us.We live on a porch. Quiet. Homely. Not much call for buildings in our town — we’re not really into ‘frills’ — just give us a porch and some iced tea pitchers with the sun shining through them and we’re as happy as a pig in gloves leaning on a fence.At night, we just admire the stars. LOVE those stars. Who needs a television when you got stars? Not us, that’s who.My son points up at the stars as if to say “wow!” I smile. I am glad my son enjoys the stars. At least one kid gets that you don’t need ‘video games’ when you have stars. They’re like our own little tiny, glowing fences in the sky for our eyes to lean on. Truly magical.In conclusion, I love this country.My wife is a truck made of fences.

What Middle America Is Like According To Truck Commercials

We’re strong, simple people. We enjoy the simple pleasures: Flannel, dirty gloves, throwing lumber onto truckbeds in slow-mo, leaning on fences, you name it. MAN do we love leaning on fences. Wood fences, wire fences — you give us a fence, we’ll lean the fuck on it.

Out here, it’s always sunrise or sunset. Are there other times in the day? We don’t know. And frankly, we don’t want to know. We’re simple like that. All we know is that this lumber has to go from here to somewhere else, and it’s up to us to move it. Also there’s horses out here so shut those greasy gates and let’s peel out into the mud.

Us? We’re all about family. When we’re not about lumber. Which is often. But we’ll swing by the son’s Little League game and rub his head when his team loses, then swing by the gal’s Little League game and rub her head when her team loses. Just let em know that it’s all gonna be ok because we love them, and we’ll get that lumber where it needs to go.

But we’re not afraid to let loose every now and then! Sometimes we go to the diner where the way-too-attractive waitress pours us coffee and gives us broad smiles. She may look like a model but she’s got flannel on and never isn’t turning around with a coffee pot so she’s one of us.

We live on a porch. Quiet. Homely. Not much call for buildings in our town — we’re not really into ‘frills’ — just give us a porch and some iced tea pitchers with the sun shining through them and we’re as happy as a pig in gloves leaning on a fence.

At night, we just admire the stars. LOVE those stars. Who needs a television when you got stars? Not us, that’s who.

My son points up at the stars as if to say “wow!” I smile. I am glad my son enjoys the stars. At least one kid gets that you don’t need ‘video games’ when you have stars. They’re like our own little tiny, glowing fences in the sky for our eyes to lean on. Truly magical.

In conclusion, I love this country.

My wife is a truck made of fences.

10 Signs That You're Dating A REAL Man »