Follow Us

CollegeHumor Staff Blog

10 Things We Have TOO MANY SONGS About »

Nothing’s tougher than a knuck tat.

Finish reading The 12 Best Possible Knuckle Tattoos

Finish reading 5 Self-Help Pamphlets For Your Super Easy Life

1. We are replacing the ENTIRE government — House, Senate, myself, you name it — with three sagely dudes in white robes with long white beards.

We will call them “The Three Clerics” or just “The Three,” and they will convey all government decisions to us through telepathy while floating in a giant chamber in the “Temple of Elders” (the middle guy will float a little higher than the other two).

I realize this is a radical, abrupt departure from our current system of Constitutional checks and balances, but I assure you, I’ve looked towards the future, and three vaguely-magical dudes proclaiming cryptic wisdom is definitely the way to go. Also they’ll have orbs.

2. All major cities will be renamed something cool and futuristic.

Finish reading 10 Things That Will Happen Before Every Futuristic Movie

We are performing LIVE TONIGHT in NYC at the Upright Citizens Brigade in Chelsea!
Our monthly show has some of the best stand-up/sketch comedy in the city and you can RSVP here for free! 

newyork.ucbtheatre.com


We are performing LIVE TONIGHT in NYC at the Upright Citizens Brigade in Chelsea!

Our monthly show has some of the best stand-up/sketch comedy in the city and you can RSVP here for free! 

newyork.ucbtheatre.com

CollegeHumor is LIVE TONIGHT in NYC at the Upright Citizens Brigade!
Get your tickets now - You can RSVP here for free! 

newyork.ucbtheatre.com


CollegeHumor is LIVE TONIGHT in NYC at the Upright Citizens Brigade!

Get your tickets now - You can RSVP here for free! 

newyork.ucbtheatre.com

CollegeHumor is LIVE tomorrow night in NYC at the Upright Citizens Brigade!
Get your tickets now - You can RSVP here for free! 

newyork.ucbtheatre.com

CollegeHumor is LIVE tomorrow night in NYC at the Upright Citizens Brigade!

Get your tickets now - You can RSVP here for free! 

newyork.ucbtheatre.com

Whhhyyy are you holding someone else’s child…?

Finish reading The 8 Types Of Profile Pics That Should Be Illegal

Come to CH Live this Thursday in NEW YORK! You can RSVP for free and see some of the best stand-up and sketch comedy in the city.
Tickets here: NewYork.UCBtheatre.com

Come to CH Live this Thursday in NEW YORK! You can RSVP for free and see some of the best stand-up and sketch comedy in the city.

Tickets here: NewYork.UCBtheatre.com

What Middle America Is Like According To Truck Commercials
We’re strong, simple people. We enjoy the simple pleasures: Flannel, dirty gloves, throwing lumber onto truckbeds in slow-mo, leaning on fences, you name it. MAN do we love leaning on fences. Wood fences, wire fences — you give us a fence, we’ll lean the fuck on it.Out here, it’s always sunrise or sunset. Are there other times in the day? We don’t know. And frankly, we don’t want to know. We’re simple like that. All we know is that this lumber has to go from here to somewhere else, and it’s up to us to move it. Also there’s horses out here so shut those greasy gates and let’s peel out into the mud.Us? We’re all about family. When we’re not about lumber. Which is often. But we’ll swing by the son’s Little League game and rub his head when his team loses, then swing by the gal’s Little League game and rub her head when her team loses. Just let em know that it’s all gonna be ok because we love them, and we’ll get that lumber where it needs to go.But we’re not afraid to let loose every now and then! Sometimes we go to the diner where the way-too-attractive waitress pours us coffee and gives us broad smiles. She may look like a model but she’s got flannel on and never isn’t turning around with a coffee pot so she’s one of us.We live on a porch. Quiet. Homely. Not much call for buildings in our town — we’re not really into ‘frills’ — just give us a porch and some iced tea pitchers with the sun shining through them and we’re as happy as a pig in gloves leaning on a fence.At night, we just admire the stars. LOVE those stars. Who needs a television when you got stars? Not us, that’s who.My son points up at the stars as if to say “wow!” I smile. I am glad my son enjoys the stars. At least one kid gets that you don’t need ‘video games’ when you have stars. They’re like our own little tiny, glowing fences in the sky for our eyes to lean on. Truly magical.In conclusion, I love this country.My wife is a truck made of fences.

What Middle America Is Like According To Truck Commercials

We’re strong, simple people. We enjoy the simple pleasures: Flannel, dirty gloves, throwing lumber onto truckbeds in slow-mo, leaning on fences, you name it. MAN do we love leaning on fences. Wood fences, wire fences — you give us a fence, we’ll lean the fuck on it.

Out here, it’s always sunrise or sunset. Are there other times in the day? We don’t know. And frankly, we don’t want to know. We’re simple like that. All we know is that this lumber has to go from here to somewhere else, and it’s up to us to move it. Also there’s horses out here so shut those greasy gates and let’s peel out into the mud.

Us? We’re all about family. When we’re not about lumber. Which is often. But we’ll swing by the son’s Little League game and rub his head when his team loses, then swing by the gal’s Little League game and rub her head when her team loses. Just let em know that it’s all gonna be ok because we love them, and we’ll get that lumber where it needs to go.

But we’re not afraid to let loose every now and then! Sometimes we go to the diner where the way-too-attractive waitress pours us coffee and gives us broad smiles. She may look like a model but she’s got flannel on and never isn’t turning around with a coffee pot so she’s one of us.

We live on a porch. Quiet. Homely. Not much call for buildings in our town — we’re not really into ‘frills’ — just give us a porch and some iced tea pitchers with the sun shining through them and we’re as happy as a pig in gloves leaning on a fence.

At night, we just admire the stars. LOVE those stars. Who needs a television when you got stars? Not us, that’s who.

My son points up at the stars as if to say “wow!” I smile. I am glad my son enjoys the stars. At least one kid gets that you don’t need ‘video games’ when you have stars. They’re like our own little tiny, glowing fences in the sky for our eyes to lean on. Truly magical.

In conclusion, I love this country.

My wife is a truck made of fences.

10 Signs That You're Dating A REAL Man »

Do you have the strength to post a Facebook status WITHOUT CHECKING TO SEE WHO LIKED IT????

Finish reading 6 Modern-Day Torture Devices That Would Actually Work

What I've Always Wanted To Write On My Stupid Tax Forms »
Read What Middle America Is Like According To Truck Commercials
We’re just simple folk who love fences and throwin’ wood in slo-mo!

Read What Middle America Is Like According To Truck Commercials

We’re just simple folk who love fences and throwin’ wood in slo-mo!

How To Win A Movie Swordfight 
If you ever find yourself in a movie swordfight, just follow these 20 simple steps to come out on top!
1. First, exchange some whimsical banter. Trade light insults and chuckle at yourselves. This is a good way to prepare yourself to murder each other with blades.
2. Fight time! Start off with some standard back-and-forth sword-clanging. Keep it nice and easy — don’t try anything unexpected or try too hard to stab them / win the fight. Just a nice, simple rhythm.
3. Throw in some spins and shit!4. After ~50 identical unsuccessful sword-strikes, just kick the dude. It will land perfectly because it is not fatal. Resume fighting.5. Your opponent will swing at your legs once just to switch it up. Jump! Now they have failed to stab your legs.6. Next, he’ll swing at your head. Duck! He’ll miss and smash something with his sword, like a dumb table or clay pot (there’s clay pots all over the place because this is the past.)7. Do some more standard clanging. Left, right, left, right, etc — imagine a nice even dance beat, or the NES Konami Code.8. Cross your swords and push your faces close together. Your opponent will whisper something taunting at you, either about how he’s gonna steal your lady or how he’ll kill you just like he killed your father. Yell “AaaaaAAHAHHHHH!!!” and push him away and resume fighting.9. Grind your swords together up a stone wall or a railing so it makes sparks! Fucking COOL.10. Cut to you as SILHOUETTES for a few seconds. Fucking EVEN COOLER!
Finish reading How To Win A Movie Swordfight 

How To Win A Movie Swordfight 

If you ever find yourself in a movie swordfight, just follow these 20 simple steps to come out on top!

1. First, exchange some whimsical banter. Trade light insults and chuckle at yourselves. This is a good way to prepare yourself to murder each other with blades.

2. Fight time! Start off with some standard back-and-forth sword-clanging. Keep it nice and easy — don’t try anything unexpected or try too hard to stab them / win the fight. Just a nice, simple rhythm.

3. Throw in some spins and shit!

4. After ~50 identical unsuccessful sword-strikes, just kick the dude. It will land perfectly because it is not fatal. Resume fighting.

5. Your opponent will swing at your legs once just to switch it up. Jump! Now they have failed to stab your legs.

6. Next, he’ll swing at your head. Duck! He’ll miss and smash something with his sword, like a dumb table or clay pot (there’s clay pots all over the place because this is the past.)

7. Do some more standard clanging. Left, right, left, right, etc — imagine a nice even dance beat, or the NES Konami Code.

8. Cross your swords and push your faces close together. Your opponent will whisper something taunting at you, either about how he’s gonna steal your lady or how he’ll kill you just like he killed your father. Yell “AaaaaAAHAHHHHH!!!” and push him away and resume fighting.

9. Grind your swords together up a stone wall or a railing so it makes sparks! Fucking COOL.

10. Cut to you as SILHOUETTES for a few seconds. Fucking EVEN COOLER!

Finish reading How To Win A Movie Swordfight