Don’t Ever Live With Someone From Work

My roommate is so messy it’s disgusting. Weird smells come out of her room…I can’t even describe it, its like BO and sweaty gym socks and god only knows. There are crumbs all over our kitchen constantly no matter how much I clean it. I had to put out ant traps cuz I’m sure we will get ants sooner or later. She is always dropping things into the little metal things under the coils of the stove and never cleans it out after! Hello?? That stuff is gonna just burn later….when I’m cooking…. She has never once cleaned a thing in our apartment…ever. But I repay her for that because after I clean the bathroom I dry off all the surfaces with her face towel and then hang it back on the hook so she will use it to dry her face the next morning. I also put a few drops of pickle juice in her half gone gallon of milk so she thought it spoiled and threw it out….and I’ve done this a few times…love seeing her waste money. On an unrelated note….she contributed next to nothing to our apartment. Well that’s gonna bite her in the ass when I tell her I’m not renewing our lease and then she will be stuck with an apartment with nothing in it except her bed, a couch, and a frying pan. Whoops, guess she just won’t have a roommate but will be stuck here for her job ….or she can go back home and live with her parents. HA! Oh yea, and bitch has GOT to learn to chew with her mouth closed. No one wants to see half-eaten food rolling around in your mouth. DISGUSTING! Not to mention this girl is perpetually single. She has a gross face with no chin (how weird is that?). Not sure if she has ever dated anyone but she is so socially awkward I wouldn’t be surprised if she is 24 and still a virgin. I wish I could say all this to her face, or just be a complete bitch to her…but we work together…so I am forced to be courteous and nice. Lesson learned here: don’t ever live with someone you only know from work…chances are they are going to be a horrible roommate. Worst. Decision. Ever. - Corie 

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Roommate Confessions: The Gorilla in Booty Shorts

You like to drink so much you piss all over the bathroom floor, huh? I wonder how long it will take you to realize the smell of piss on your bath towels. - Anonymous 

So my roommate was the dirtiest, fattest slob on the planet. He would always go to the frat he was pledging and drink his weight in alcohol (well over 300 lbs). There were multiple times when he would come back to the room completely trashed and stoned and pass out. A few times some guys on my floor and I would draw on his face in sharpie. Too bad he was so greasy that he would wipe it off in the morning without the use of water or soap. To get him back for all the puke and piss on my carpet, I would steal his change from the desk. Thanks to his sloppiness I didnt pay a dime for laundry the entire semester. - Anonymous 

Normally I like to hear music, I’m a fan. But that shitty god awful rap music that you blast on your speaker system in the wee hours of the morning just doesn’t bode well in this thin walled dorm. So, I took my Astroglide and poured it all over your doorknob and dumped some water bottles in your bed with chocolate protein mix in them. Diarrhea shit stains much? - Anonymous 

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This Day in CH History: A look back at our blasts from the past - 11/26/2011

Troopers:  Escape Pod Confessions - Larry had a few things to get off his chest!

Check out the full Troopers series here!

James Bond Resigns Following 790 Sexual Affairs [Click for Full Report]

James Bond, a longtime agent with the British Secret Service, has announced his resignation after being implicated in a vast number of sexual affairs. He issued the following statement earlier today:

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, and thank you for coming. I am here to announce that I am stepping down from my position with British Intelligence and handing in my License To Kill, effective immediately. The fact is, I willingly engaged in conduct unbefitting an individual in my profession, as I have engaged in inappropriate sexual contact with approximately 790 different individuals during my tenure with this organization, in a variety of locations around the world including numerous boats, moving vehicles, and areas just outside volcanic villain lairs, often times massively endangering myself, my sexual partner, and my mission in the process.

First off, I’d like to apologize to everyone I’ve hurt: To the British government and its citizens, to M, to Miss Moneypenny, and most of all, to my loving wife of more than 30 years, Susan Wertz-Bond. Suzie, you’ll always be my rock, and I thank you for all of your unwavering support during this trying time.

Now, a lot of you didn’t know I was married, and there’s a reason for that: I’m an international superagent who constantly puts myself and those around me in mortal danger. Do you really expect me to go around wearing a wedding band and mentioning my wife willy-nilly when I’m banging villain-mistresses by the half-dozen inside laser-guarded kill-chambers? Sure, if I didn’t love my wife and wanted someone to come kidnap her, I could say “sorry I’m married” and refrain from constant sex with mysterious and often incredibly dangerous strangers, but I’ve never been one to take the easy way out. And yes, this also applies to when I’m off duty and frequent local pubs, and when I banged that Chili’s hostess six weeks ago, and when I slept with my wife’s sister Denise while she was visiting her grandmother in the hospital: The fact is, you just never know who’s secretly an evil double-agent, so it’s best to just never mention your wife in front of anyone, ever. I stand by that. [Keep Reading]

Troopers: Escape Pod Confessions

Larry has a few things to get off his chest.