Follow Us

CollegeHumor Staff Blog

Committing crimes against your patience since the internet was born!

Finish reading The Internet’s Most Wanted

Interior: Giant Shower With Unfrosted Glass On All Four Sides Somehow.ANASTASIA STEELE, a busty half-Asian Student / Journalist / Cop-Scientist is showering for five and a half minutes while the Opening Credits Roll. Royalty-free cool-Jazz background music is playing, indicating that something SEXY is happening in 1997 or you’re in the bathroom at a W Hotel.
ANASTASIA towels herself off and exits the bathroom. Her roommate KATE, a petite but busty blond 36-year-old college student is laying on her bed in a tight yellow cocktail dress, masturbating. KATE is startled.
 ANASTASIA

Hey there Kate. I see you’re having fun.

 KATE

What can I say, Ana, ever since I started dating Mike, I’m just too hot and bothered all the time, I just want everyone. And I mean… everyone.

KATE lovingly caresses ANA’s towel.
 ANASTASIA (Lovingly)

Lucky you. Ever since Dave and I broke up, I’m starting to wonder if I’ll ever get touched again. Except by you, haha.

KATE

Fuck Dave. He was a shit.

ANA playfully pushes KATE’S hand away and they both laugh, then lock eyes. They caress their faces together. The mood turns erotic.
ANASTASIA

Before we do this, I have to tell you — I’ve only been with another woman one other time today.

 Finish reading If “50 Shades Of Grey” Were A Cinemax Movie

Interior: Giant Shower With Unfrosted Glass On All Four Sides Somehow.ANASTASIA STEELE, a busty half-Asian Student / Journalist / Cop-Scientist is showering for five and a half minutes while the Opening Credits Roll. Royalty-free cool-Jazz background music is playing, indicating that something SEXY is happening in 1997 or you’re in the bathroom at a W Hotel.

ANASTASIA towels herself off and exits the bathroom. Her roommate KATE, a petite but busty blond 36-year-old college student is laying on her bed in a tight yellow cocktail dress, masturbating. KATE is startled.

 ANASTASIA

Hey there Kate. I see you’re having fun.

 KATE

What can I say, Ana, ever since I started dating Mike, I’m just too hot and bothered all the time, I just want everyone. And I mean… everyone.

KATE lovingly caresses ANA’s towel.

 ANASTASIA (Lovingly)

Lucky you. Ever since Dave and I broke up, I’m starting to wonder if I’ll ever get touched again. Except by you, haha.

KATE

Fuck Dave. He was a shit.

ANA playfully pushes KATE’S hand away and they both laugh, then lock eyes. They caress their faces together. The mood turns erotic.

ANASTASIA

Before we do this, I have to tell you — I’ve only been with another woman one other time today.

 Finish reading If “50 Shades Of Grey” Were A Cinemax Movie

How A Guy’s Netflix Queue Can Be a Deal-Breaker

Yes, including the genre you’re thinking.

Finish reading If Porn Had a Director’s Commentary

How many of these challenges could you finish?

2 MORE Challenges - Finish reading Emotionally Strongest Man Competition

Cheat Codes for the Kim Kardashian iPhone Game
- At the load screen, tap the K Star six times in a row to skip right to being spotted by a Big Hollywood Agent who wants to make you a Big Hollywood Super Star.

- At the character select screen, swipe down, then left, then left again to gain 5000 Social Media points and a write-up on a some blog calling you an “Instagram Celeb.”

-  Tap the Hollywood sign twelve times to up your Star Rating by fucking a photographer at the Torque premiere.

- When talking to the VALET PARKING GUY outside Kim’s perfume launch party, TIP TRIPLE to get four free Speedballs and an exclusive invite to McG’s forty-fifth at his Venice fuckpad.

- When Jake (the Journalist) asks you out, instead of tapping “Sure!” or “Let’s just be friends”, scroll left, then right, then left, then right, then up, then down to gain 100 Love Points and instead get martinis with Chez, a guy who “did some consulting on SAW VI” and “can definitely get you your own reality show, hundo percent.”
          BONUS: To up your Star Rating, sign whatever he hands you. That way you can skip all the hard shit.

- When out shopping with Kim, shoplift. It saves Money and increases your Style Points. Plus, whatever, it’ll be fine.
Finish reading Cheat Codes for the Kim Kardashian iPhone Game

Cheat Codes for the Kim Kardashian iPhone Game

- At the load screen, tap the K Star six times in a row to skip right to being spotted by a Big Hollywood Agent who wants to make you a Big Hollywood Super Star.



- At the character select screen, swipe down, then left, then left again to gain 5000 Social Media points and a write-up on a some blog calling you an “Instagram Celeb.”



-  Tap the Hollywood sign twelve times to up your Star Rating by fucking a photographer at the Torque premiere.



- When talking to the VALET PARKING GUY outside Kim’s perfume launch party, TIP TRIPLE to get four free Speedballs and an exclusive invite to McG’s forty-fifth at his Venice fuckpad.



- When Jake (the Journalist) asks you out, instead of tapping “Sure!” or “Let’s just be friends”, scroll left, then right, then left, then right, then up, then down to gain 100 Love Points and instead get martinis with Chez, a guy who “did some consulting on SAW VI” and “can definitely get you your own reality show, hundo percent.”

          BONUS: To up your Star Rating, sign whatever he hands you. That way you can skip all the hard shit.



- When out shopping with Kim, shoplift. It saves Money and increases your Style Points. Plus, whatever, it’ll be fine.

Finish reading Cheat Codes for the Kim Kardashian iPhone Game

Your swimsuit is saying more than just, “I’m mostly naked.”

6 MORE - Finish reading What You’re Saying With Your Bathing Suit

Finish reading 9 Ways To Get Your Facebook Friends To Instantly Unfriend You

Here are five uncomfortable examples of chemistry between two actors that clearly was NOT meant to be part of the plot: 

5. The Hunger Games: Katniss and Cinna

Finish reading The 5 Creepiest Examples of Sexual Tension Between Characters

Vote for the Most Depressingly Inaccurate Fan Art

Accuracy is overrated. It’s the thought that counts. Kind of.

The official voting period ends Tuesday August 5, 2014 at 10:00AM so get your votes in now.

How Road Head Can Go Wrong [Click to finish]

Why Mutts Are Better Than Purebreds, Explained in 4 Minutes.

Okay, I get it. You love your purebred bulldog! Who could resist that loose skin, those stubby legs, and that adorable underbite? Well, I hate to break it to you, but that lovable little freak — along with almost every other breed of dog — was created by Victorian eugenicists less than one hundred years ago. What’s more, the breeds they created are now getting so inbred that most of them are sicker than … well, dogs! Check it out: Adam breaks down the awful truth for you in the newest episode of Adam Ruins Everything.

For more information, watch the BBC documentary Pedigree Dogs Exposed, or check out the following sources:

(Source: youtube.com)

Take the quiz: Biggest Pet Peeves
What’s your biggest pet peeve?

Take the quiz: Biggest Pet Peeves

What’s your biggest pet peeve?

Click to finish: Honest Game of Life

(Source: College Humor)

Click to Finish: 6 Stages of Growing Your Hair Out