An Open Letter to People Who Write Open Letters on the Internet
Dear People Who Write Open Letters on the Internet,
Stop. Shut up. You aren’t charming and I hate you.
Let’s start with the obvious. Most people will agree that the most annoying thing about your open letters is the gall of your presumption that everyone reading is automatically in total agreement with you. Like just because they stumbled upon something you wrote on a website, they’re gonna back up your obnoxious opinions! It’s ridiculous, right?
And let’s not forget the sheer audacity of expecting that people looove your glorious prose so much that they’d be honored to read something you write that isn’t even directed at them. I bet you use really poetic language too. Yes, we’re all clamoring for the chance to push our metaphorical glass against the wall of your mind to listen in on the glistening brain nuggets you dole out into our outstretched beggar’s hands. Pathetic.
Oh, and that’s another thing- you always act like you’re just remembering additional complaints in the middle of your letter, instead of carefully planning when to deploy them. REALBELIEVABLE.
Which reminds me, that’s another thing that’s terrible about open letters: something about the form seems to invite you, the author, to just toss around caps lock willy-nilly as if the reader is already sympathetic to whatever stupidly emotional thing you’re feeling in the moment. I hate it! FUCK CAPS LOCK!!