An Internet Christmas Carol [Click for full story]
The 8 Worst People of the Holiday Season [Click to continue reading]
Do they HAVE to keep playing Christmas carols EVERYWHERE I go. I GET IT!
10 Parts In Home Alone That Still Bother Me [Click for full article]
Home Alone is an absolute holiday classic and a cornerstone of many of our childhoods, but, like anything that I watched when I was little (then watched again 47 million other times including earlier today), there’s a number of parts that always bugged me.
5. Harry almost bites Kevin’s fingers off
Harry and Marv are career petty-thieves who meticulously scout and rob rich peoples’ homes, but then out of nowhere, Harry flips over to total psychopathy and decides he’s going to brutally maim a child? I mean, I get that he’s frustrated that he just got an ‘M’ burned into his hand-flesh for eternity, but still, killing a child is a sliiightly different echelon of crime than grabbing some rich woman’s angel figurines.
WHAT WOULD'VE HAPPENED IF THE SHOVEL GUY HADN'T INTERVENED? Would Harry have literally bitten Kevin’s fingers off while Marv watched?? What a moderately disturbing thought.
Here are the 10 Parts In Home Alone That Have Always Bothered Me
Twas the Night Before Finals [Click for full poem]
Twas the night before finals, when all through the dorm
Not a person was sleeping, though that was the norm
Empty Red Bull, iced coffee, and tash strewn about
In hope that some seeds of knowledge would sprout
The students were sitting uncomfortably at their chairs
Hoping thoughts of good grades won’t be met with despair.
And my roommate in his pajamas, and I in my jeans
Studied like monsters and wrote like machines.
When from outside the building came such a racket
I leaped up from my desk and put on my jacket.
Out of the building I went in a hurry,
My nose meeting smells of ramen, beer, and curry.
The glow of the moon lit up the scene:
Fog on two sides, with a man in between
Emerging from the smoke with two hands outstretched
Holding red plastic cups? It seemed quite farfetched.
Then, after a step or two to keep up his balance
(He seemed to be under some sort of influence)
I realized who the man in front of me must be!
St. Procrastinate himself, it could only be he!
Ambling towards me without a care at all,
He saw my studious nature and seemed quite appalled
“What are you doing, huh? Preparing for exams?
Writing papers, doing projects, and trying to cram?”
“Go out and enjoy your life, just learn to let loose
Time spent in a library is time spent in misuse.
Why bother studying with so much fun at your disposal?”
He took a quick sip of something, and began his proposal: [Keep Reading]
An Internet Christmas Carol [Click to continue reading]
Scrooge is getting used to some new technology.
REGRET EVERYTHING: Santa, You Are Wasting Your Life [Click for full article]
Here is my annual letter, sent in the very unlikely but still possible case that you actually exist. As I state every year, please consider changing careers. I suggest either taking over the post office of every country in the world, or perhaps running a spy agency, or founding a year-round toy manufacturing center. As it stands, you are wasting your life.
Your current vocation — giving gifts to the children of the world once a year — frankly creates more harm than good. It certainly sounds like a noble mission. However, in execution, there are severe limitations. You favor families of the western hemisphere, mostly of a Christian heritage, and of those primarily the wealthy ones. Speaking candidly, you’re a right-wing capitalist Bible nut, and I fear you are fanning flames of jealousy and partisan hate.
But I’m not here to lecture. Your politics and religious views are your own. Besides, you’re clearly a man of enormous talents and I think you could better help the world while also still honoring your child-centered consumerist moral agenda.
The ability to visit every home in the world on a single night means you could easily take over the post offices of every single country on Earth and improve it. I’m sure I don’t need to remind you the value to society of a well-operating information infrastructure (Lewis Mumford’s theories of urban development, etc). [Keep Reading]
The Three Wise Men Have an Argument [Click for full post]
Melchior: This is exciting, huh? The birth of the Lord God incarnate?
Melchior: Yeah, this is going to be great. Hey, what do you guys think he’ll look like?
Gaspar: A baby, probably.
Melchior: OK, what’s the problem here, guys? We’re on the way to meet the Living God and you guys are being weird!
Balthasar: Nothing. Let’s just keep riding. Lots of desert between here and Bethlehem.
Melchior: It’s about the gold, right? You guys are pissed I brought gold. Come on, let’s do this.
Balthasar: It’s not about the gold. It’s about what the gold represents.
Melchior: You guys, Frankincense and Myrrh are awesome gifts, too. It’s not like we’re having a contest here.
Gaspar: Really? Really?! OK then, so if this isn’t a contest to you, why don’t you give the infant Christ King some of that cinnamon you have in your camel’s saddle bag instead?
Melchior: That cinnamon is for one of my wives. Besides, I already brought the gold. I might as well give it to him.
Gaspar: You don’t think Balthasar and I wanted to give the Lamb of God some gold or some jewels? I’d give the infant Lord all of my worldly goods but we agreed on a 20 denari limit! [Keep Reading]
Sometimes, Lifetime’s original Christmas movies are so unbelievably “Lifetime Christmas movie”-ey, it’s impossible to exaggerate them. To prove this theory (and more importantly, to make you aware of a bunch of actual, ridiculous Lifetime movies), we’ve devised the following Quiz, entitled ”Are These Lifetime Christmas Movies Real?” We’ll give you a title, cast, and plot description, and you have to decide if it’s an actual movie that aired on Lifetime, or if it’s something we made up (but which will still probably air on Lifetime in the next year or two).
Merry Quiz-tmas! Actually ignore that [Click to begin]
7 Positions for Sex at Your Parents’ Place [Click to continue reading]
Just try not to wake them up.
Eight days of not being good at dreidel
Awkward Romance Novel Excerpts [Click for full article]
There was a knock at the door. As I fumbled with the handle, turning it the wrong way gently, then hard, then gently again, then the right way, I took a look through the peephole. Outside stood a lady with the most heaving breasts I had ever laid eye on.
“Hi, I just wanted to come by and introduce myself,” she proclaimed as I began to fiddle with the lock on the storm door.
“Oh, you must be Juanita, my new maid,” I said.
“New neighbor Juanita,” she replied, kicking a giant hole through the metal screen and my heart.
“I came over to tell you to close your damn blinds.”
We bid each other adieu—nay, adios—and I did just that. [Keep Reading]
The Pope on Other Websites [Click to continue reading]
YouTube is a lost cause.
How to Roll the Perfect Joint [Click to continue reading]
A step-by-step guide to that quickly gets out of hand.
According to reports, the New Orleans Hornets are looking to change their name to the Pelicans for the 2013-14 NBA season. New Orleans may be “The Pelican State,” but this team name needs to shoo. [Click to continue reading]
- Unibrow Yes, their star player is monobrowed man, Anthony Davis, but this represents so much more. A unibrow is a bunch of things coming together as one to form a larger, more unified, and scarier thing, and if that’s not intimidating—what is?
- Dunkeroos Enthusiasm for 90’s nostalgia might run out eventually, but luckily, the idea of a kangaroo dunking a basketball never will.
- Mardi Gras A local favorite and an easy way to skip the debate over whether a team’s name should be pluralized.
- White Dudes Not great, but it makes about as much sense as Washington Redskins.
- Lunar Craters Not great, but it makes about as much sense as Los Angeles Lakers. [Keep Reading]