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CollegeHumor Staff Blog

10 Alternatives to Murder for Professional Athletes
Okay, so someone is doing something that angers you. Us “normals,” may have no choice but to kill them, but if you’re a person that gets paid millions to participate in an activity many of us love to watch, you have a few more options.
1. Play the sport you get paid to play.
Practice makes perfect and you not shoot someone. 
2. Have sex with beautiful people.
You know who attractive men and women don’t want to sleep with? Murderers. Fine, bad example, but you don’t have to kill someone to get their attention. You’re already the boneworthy combination of visible and wanted to be seen. 
3. Buy a new car.
Driving is dangerous, but not pointing a gun at someone dangerous. 
4. Buy an old car.
It’s the closest you can get to driving in the past, because you can never go back to the past—even if you commit homicide. 
5. Buy another new car.
Although the basis of a hollow existence, it’s still better to keep up with the Joneses than kill them. 
6. Endorse something to pay for those cars.
Nothing’s free. Except for court-appointed defenders, and that’s not always the case. 
7. Have sex with more beautiful people.
It’s not like you don’t have the stamina. 
8. Take on a side project.
No, we won’t listen to your rap album or wear items from your $100 line of luxury tank tops and cargo shorts, but that still beats figuring out how to brew your own blend of toilet sangria. 
9. Make someone in your entourage do it.
Shhh! 
10. Find God and shove it in everyone’s face.
Actually… 

10 Alternatives to Murder for Professional Athletes

Okay, so someone is doing something that angers you. Us “normals,” may have no choice but to kill them, but if you’re a person that gets paid millions to participate in an activity many of us love to watch, you have a few more options.

1. Play the sport you get paid to play.

Practice makes perfect and you not shoot someone. 

2. Have sex with beautiful people.

You know who attractive men and women don’t want to sleep with? Murderers. Fine, bad example, but you don’t have to kill someone to get their attention. You’re already the boneworthy combination of visible and wanted to be seen. 

3. Buy a new car.

Driving is dangerous, but not pointing a gun at someone dangerous. 

4. Buy an old car.

It’s the closest you can get to driving in the past, because you can never go back to the past—even if you commit homicide. 

5. Buy another new car.

Although the basis of a hollow existence, it’s still better to keep up with the Joneses than kill them. 

6. Endorse something to pay for those cars.

Nothing’s free. Except for court-appointed defenders, and that’s not always the case. 

7. Have sex with more beautiful people.

It’s not like you don’t have the stamina. 

8. Take on a side project.

No, we won’t listen to your rap album or wear items from your $100 line of luxury tank tops and cargo shorts, but that still beats figuring out how to brew your own blend of toilet sangria. 

9. Make someone in your entourage do it.

Shhh! 

10. Find God and shove it in everyone’s face.

Actually… 

(Source: College Humor)

Reese Witherspoon Arrest Video - EXTENDED VERSION (PARODY)

Whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna when they come for Elle Woods.

(Source: youtube.com)

CollegeHumor's Favorite Funny Videos

Here’s the Lion Dog that Sparked a 911 Call

What’s the police code for “adorable dog grooming”?

(Source: youtube.com)

Hey remember when I asked you if you had seen my digitial camera and you said no. Well I found it in your room. So remember when school ended and you asked me if I had seen your calculator, calculus book, as well as your engineering economics book, I sold them and actually got about $300 bucks for them all and that mysterious phone tip that the cops got about where you guys smoked pot at, it was me as well. Don’t light a fire you can’t put out.. DOUCHE

Roommate Confessions - I sold your books.
Man Farts on Police Officer
Beef on a pig.

Man Farts on Police Officer

Beef on a pig.

(Source: College Humor)

Woman Incorrectly Written Up for Prostitution
What? We said it was our bad, what else do you want?

Woman Incorrectly Written Up for Prostitution

What? We said it was our bad, what else do you want?

(Source: College Humor)

The Rocky Mountain Collegian is now The Onion
Some one must have had a late night at the office.

The Rocky Mountain Collegian is now The Onion

Some one must have had a late night at the office.

(Source: College Humor)

22 Pictures of People Who Should Not be Dressed as Spider-Man
Tomorrow “The Amazing Spider-Man” will hit theaters and people will finally be able to answer the question no one was asking: Is Spider-Man better played by Tobey Maguire or Andrew Garfield? Whoever emerges the superior spider, either of them would be better than these 24 would-be Spider-Men who are too fat, skinny, sad, depraved, or out of place to wear the suit well.

22 Pictures of People Who Should Not be Dressed as Spider-Man

Tomorrow “The Amazing Spider-Man” will hit theaters and people will finally be able to answer the question no one was asking: Is Spider-Man better played by Tobey Maguire or Andrew Garfield? Whoever emerges the superior spider, either of them would be better than these 24 would-be Spider-Men who are too fat, skinny, sad, depraved, or out of place to wear the suit well.

(Source: College Humor)

Arrested Drunk Guy Sings Bohemian Rhapsody

Stop what you’re doing and watch this. Just trust us on this one.

(Source: College Humor)

CollegeHumor's Favorite Funny Videos

Very Mary Kate: Police

I fought the law and the law was a jerk face.

Man with Bizarre Name Arrested
Well this is absolutely greatest name we have ever seen. Bonus points because it’s on a mugshot.

Man with Bizarre Name Arrested

Well this is absolutely greatest name we have ever seen. Bonus points because it’s on a mugshot.

(Source: College Humor)


Chill Dude Is About To Get Arrested

It was nice of the cop to take the picture before slamming him down to the pavement.

It was nice of the cop to take the picture before slamming him down to the pavement.

(Source: College Humor)

Guy Shines Laser Pointer at Helicopter, is Instantly Arrested

He did make the cute girl in homeroom laugh, so it was worth it.

(Source: College Humor)

Hardly Working: Crazy Night - CollegeHumor Classic

It’s criminal how much fun we have when we go out.

(Source: College Humor)

Hey Javon, you know how you smelled like shit all year and kept stealing from my wallet thinking I didn’t know? Well, last time you decided to fuck with me, I left my laptop’s webcam on and caught you on video stealing money from me. Enjoy getting arrested you dirty thieving bastard.

This week’s Roommate Confessions get real

(Source: College Humor)