My Apologies to the Girl I Tried to Smell, and Others [click for others]

To the Worker at Home Depot:

I’m sorry that when I asked if you had fishing line, you asked me what I needed it for, and I admitted in a disappointed-in-myself voice, “It’s for a craft project.” First of all, can’t a girl buy a little fishing line in New York City without the third degree? Maybe I’m one of those guys fishing in the Hudson. You don’t know. You don’t know my life. Maybe I like Hudson fish? Fine. I don’t eat Hudson fish and maybe all signs DID point to craft project. Maybe it was my lost-child stare that said, “I don’t come here a lot.” Perhaps the contents of my cart (one cardboard box, two wooden dowels and a can of spray paint) didn’t add up to “home improvement project.” So what. I resent being pigeonholed. I resent being “read” mister, okay? And alsothankyousomuch you pointed me in exactly the right direction and my craft project came out so perfect, the girls at the coffee klatch just DIED! Continue

My Apologies to the Girl I Tried to Smell, and Others [click for others]

To The Girl on the Train I Kept Trying to Smell

Well, that sounds bad. I’m sorry. But the thing is this. I am in the market for a new perfume. I thought you had on a perfume that I liked. It turns out you didn’t. The scent I liked belonged to the man sitting in front of you. I’ll deal with my issues of wanting to wear a men’s cologne at another time and place. This is about the fact that I was wafting you for the entire trip from New York to Washington, DC. Wafting is an oft-unnoticed activity, but intimate nonetheless, and I feel the need to tell you that I did it. I wafted you, girl. I wafted you good. I was ultimately disappointed in the results, but hey. We gave it a go. We tried. Hope you had a nice trip. Me? Well. I’m still looking for my perfume partner in the sun. Smell you around? Continue

My Apologies to the Blind Man I Ran Into and Others

To the blind man I ran into on the sidewalk

I’m really sorry. There’s no good way to excuse hitting a blind man with your body. But I’m going to try. It was raining, I had my big furry hood on which blocked my peripheral vision and I was on a mission to get to shelter. When it was already too late, I saw what I now realize was your tappy cane in front of me. Seconds later I felt the full body check of a blind man against me. What I’m trying to say, in so many words, is that I was quite literally blind sided. But, look, I’m not here to play a game of he-said-she-said. I’m here to apologize. Even though it’s anyone’s guess what the right of way rules are on this one. Is there special dispensation for the blind? Probably. Does it change things if it’s raining and I’m in a really cute not-good-for-rain coat? Probably not. But regardless, I thought I’d be the bigger person and apologize. And I can do that without hesitation. Because there’s like zero chance you are reading this right now. Continue

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(Source: College Humor)