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Facepalm: Pizza

Sound the dumbass alarm, because here comes the king. Let me explain:

I just had a super long/busy day at work (Internet was slow, printer was broken, blah blah blah), so I had not eaten all day. So I get home, too lazy to cook, and order a 2 liter bottle of Pepsi and a PIZZA. Pepperoni, Mushrooms, Olive, Extra Cheese. Perfection.

I wait the longest thirty minutes of my life and finally my doorbell rings (Best sound ever?). Sure enough, it’s the pizza guy. I give him exact change (no tip – haha) and shut the door.

I set the 2 liter Pepsi down, open the pizza box, and lo and behold, there she is: Extra large pie, pepperoni, mushrooms, olives, and extra cheese. Beauty.

Okay, so. I take the entire pizza out of the box, and put it on my kitchen counter. So at this point there are three things on my kitchen counter, the Pepsi bottle, the entire pizza, and the empty box.

At this point I’m literally starving to death… so I take the “pizza” over to my living room and, sitting indian style two feet away from my television, I begin devouring the “pie” and watching Tosh point 0. (Or at least, I think it’s the pie. Keep reading.)

One slice down, another slice down, I do not look down once. My eyes are fixated on the show (web redemption for the win). Keep in mind, this entire time, the pizza tastes a little off. Not terribly wrong, but like cardboard and pizza grease moreso than dough, cheese, sauce, and toppings. (You’ll see why. Keep reading.)

After downing SIX slices of the “pizza” my throat and stomach are starting to hurt. Not like insane pain, but like, the kind of pain you feel when you’re eating sharp-ish triangles of paper. “Whatever, pizza is pizza” and I keep eating.

After about two-and-a-half hours I finally finish the “pie” (Anybody who says I can’t eat a whole pizza is a liar lol) but at this point my throat is really torn up and my stomach is experiencing sharp pain. Just then, I remember: THE PEPSI!

I crawl over to the kitchen (at this point I can’t even stand up haha) and what do I see? It’s the entire pizza pie on my kitchen counter. For a split second, I think I ordered two pies and forgot (Yeah — I was that hungry) but then I realized… wait… DID I JUST EATTHE BOX AND LEAVE THE PIZZA IN THE KITCHEN!?!?

I stumble back to my living room, sure enough, there it is, scraps of pizza box, napkins, and paper plates. It looked like my dog had gotten to it (he’s a lovable dumbass lol.) Even the little plastic table that they put in the box for decoration has two legs missing. Turns out, my thoughts in the kitchen were right: I ATE THE ENTIRE PIZZA BOX AND LEFTTHE PIZZA IN THE KITCHEN!

And they say humans are the smartest animal because…?

(Source: College Humor)

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Nothing fills you up like a hearty debate. Also food.

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(Source: jakeandamir.com)

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I’m not a music man, I’m a music, man. 

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Hola! We asked you to decide Jake and Amir’s undercover occupation #22JumpStreet style! Did they succeed?! You decide

Don’t forget your tickets.

Did you know there is a Jake and Amir Script Archive? http://scripts.jakeandamir.com/
You can search any word or phrase and it will show you the episodes where that word or phrase was spoken. Thank you to Garrett Boatman and Christopher Chu for building it, and to everybody that transcribed over 700 episodes! Amazing amount of effort.

It was broken for a little bit but now it’s back! Please check it out.

Did you know there is a Jake and Amir Script Archive?
http://scripts.jakeandamir.com/

You can search any word or phrase and it will show you the episodes where that word or phrase was spoken. Thank you to Garrett Boatman and Christopher Chu for building it, and to everybody that transcribed over 700 episodes! Amazing amount of effort.

It was broken for a little bit but now it’s back! Please check it out.

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Watch Jake and Amir: Tinder 
It’s love at first swipe.

Watch Jake and Amir: Tinder

It’s love at first swipe.

(Source: College Humor)

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Jake & Amir are on the All-Nighter Live Stream with Streeter. Tune in here.

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He got shame.

Watch Jake and Amir: Hoops

He got shame.

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Can you find the time to watch it?

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Can you find the time to watch it?

Ben and Amir Couldn’t Find Time to Write a Contest Video. So They Wrote a Video About It.
Can you find the time to watch it?

Ben and Amir Couldn’t Find Time to Write a Contest Video. So They Wrote a Video About It.

Can you find the time to watch it?

The CollegeHumor All-Nighter is tomorrow!
We’re making 10 videos throughout the night AND have a 12 hour live stream hosted by Streeter Seidellwith the CH cast, Jake and Amir + tons of special guests.
Pete Holmes
BriTANick
Ben Schwartz
Elaine Carroll
Josh Ruben and MORE!
Who’s watching? 

The CollegeHumor All-Nighter is tomorrow!

We’re making 10 videos throughout the night AND have a 12 hour live stream hosted by Streeter Seidellwith the CH cast, Jake and Amir + tons of special guests.

Who’s watching

CollegeHumor's Favorite Funny Videos

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