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CollegeHumor Staff Blog

Jake and Amir: Standing Desk

I hope you’re sitting down.

Jake & Amir Vines - “Mustache”

Jake & Amir with Ben Schwartz - Real Estate Agent Part 1

(Source: lastvhs)

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Apply yourself.

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A sequel four years in the making.

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Facepalm: Pizza

Sound the dumbass alarm, because here comes the king. Let me explain:

I just had a super long/busy day at work (Internet was slow, printer was broken, blah blah blah), so I had not eaten all day. So I get home, too lazy to cook, and order a 2 liter bottle of Pepsi and a PIZZA. Pepperoni, Mushrooms, Olive, Extra Cheese. Perfection.

I wait the longest thirty minutes of my life and finally my doorbell rings (Best sound ever?). Sure enough, it’s the pizza guy. I give him exact change (no tip – haha) and shut the door.

I set the 2 liter Pepsi down, open the pizza box, and lo and behold, there she is: Extra large pie, pepperoni, mushrooms, olives, and extra cheese. Beauty.

Okay, so. I take the entire pizza out of the box, and put it on my kitchen counter. So at this point there are three things on my kitchen counter, the Pepsi bottle, the entire pizza, and the empty box.

At this point I’m literally starving to death… so I take the “pizza” over to my living room and, sitting indian style two feet away from my television, I begin devouring the “pie” and watching Tosh point 0. (Or at least, I think it’s the pie. Keep reading.)

One slice down, another slice down, I do not look down once. My eyes are fixated on the show (web redemption for the win). Keep in mind, this entire time, the pizza tastes a little off. Not terribly wrong, but like cardboard and pizza grease moreso than dough, cheese, sauce, and toppings. (You’ll see why. Keep reading.)

After downing SIX slices of the “pizza” my throat and stomach are starting to hurt. Not like insane pain, but like, the kind of pain you feel when you’re eating sharp-ish triangles of paper. “Whatever, pizza is pizza” and I keep eating.

After about two-and-a-half hours I finally finish the “pie” (Anybody who says I can’t eat a whole pizza is a liar lol) but at this point my throat is really torn up and my stomach is experiencing sharp pain. Just then, I remember: THE PEPSI!

I crawl over to the kitchen (at this point I can’t even stand up haha) and what do I see? It’s the entire pizza pie on my kitchen counter. For a split second, I think I ordered two pies and forgot (Yeah — I was that hungry) but then I realized… wait… DID I JUST EATTHE BOX AND LEAVE THE PIZZA IN THE KITCHEN!?!?

I stumble back to my living room, sure enough, there it is, scraps of pizza box, napkins, and paper plates. It looked like my dog had gotten to it (he’s a lovable dumbass lol.) Even the little plastic table that they put in the box for decoration has two legs missing. Turns out, my thoughts in the kitchen were right: I ATE THE ENTIRE PIZZA BOX AND LEFTTHE PIZZA IN THE KITCHEN!

And they say humans are the smartest animal because…?

(Source: College Humor)

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Jake and Amir Decide Which Is Better: East Coast or West Coast

Nothing fills you up like a hearty debate. Also food.

I hope my son is the type of boy that’s not afraid to tell his old man that he got drunk and needs a ride. Or not. As long as he’s buff.

(Source: jakeandamir.com)