James Bond Resigns Following 790 Sexual Affairs [Click for Full Report]
James Bond, a longtime agent with the British Secret Service, has announced his resignation after being implicated in a vast number of sexual affairs. He issued the following statement earlier today:
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, and thank you for coming. I am here to announce that I am stepping down from my position with British Intelligence and handing in my License To Kill, effective immediately. The fact is, I willingly engaged in conduct unbefitting an individual in my profession, as I have engaged in inappropriate sexual contact with approximately 790 different individuals during my tenure with this organization, in a variety of locations around the world including numerous boats, moving vehicles, and areas just outside volcanic villain lairs, often times massively endangering myself, my sexual partner, and my mission in the process.
First off, I’d like to apologize to everyone I’ve hurt: To the British government and its citizens, to M, to Miss Moneypenny, and most of all, to my loving wife of more than 30 years, Susan Wertz-Bond. Suzie, you’ll always be my rock, and I thank you for all of your unwavering support during this trying time.
Now, a lot of you didn’t know I was married, and there’s a reason for that: I’m an international superagent who constantly puts myself and those around me in mortal danger. Do you really expect me to go around wearing a wedding band and mentioning my wife willy-nilly when I’m banging villain-mistresses by the half-dozen inside laser-guarded kill-chambers? Sure, if I didn’t love my wife and wanted someone to come kidnap her, I could say “sorry I’m married” and refrain from constant sex with mysterious and often incredibly dangerous strangers, but I’ve never been one to take the easy way out. And yes, this also applies to when I’m off duty and frequent local pubs, and when I banged that Chili’s hostess six weeks ago, and when I slept with my wife’s sister Denise while she was visiting her grandmother in the hospital: The fact is, you just never know who’s secretly an evil double-agent, so it’s best to just never mention your wife in front of anyone, ever. I stand by that. [Keep Reading]
The spy who shagged me also shagged other people.
- Finally sit down to watch Dr. Strangelove and see where all of the jokes and references he’s made over the years actually came from.
- Adopt a Yorkshire Terrier, name it Raeus, introduce it to people as his pet, Raeus, and laugh for fucking days.
- Realize he has nothing left to lose and fuck for fucking days.
- Grow his hair out, even if it means breaking a few mirrors trying to bash a hippie’s brains in.
- Add a “1” to the end of his passwords.
- Think of a funny meaning for the CIA acronym and put it on t-shirts.
You’re really scraping the bottom of the special events barrel here.
(Source: College Humor)