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"A few years ago, New York City added lots of bike lanes in an effort to make the roads more environmentally supportive. Since then I have never ridden in a taxi without the cab driver pointing out that the bike lanes are taking up so much of the road that the world has become completely ruined. Traffic can’t function, the economy will soon collapse, and children no longer know right and wrong. I have been told that bike lanes are the worst thing to happen to this city while being driven by Ground Zero."
For more: Regret Everything — You Hate My Bike

"A few years ago, New York City added lots of bike lanes in an effort to make the roads more environmentally supportive. Since then I have never ridden in a taxi without the cab driver pointing out that the bike lanes are taking up so much of the road that the world has become completely ruined. Traffic can’t function, the economy will soon collapse, and children no longer know right and wrong. I have been told that bike lanes are the worst thing to happen to this city while being driven by Ground Zero."

For more: Regret Everything — You Hate My Bike

“I can’t see a bike without hearing harpsichord music and pining for penny candy. I’m confident if you bike far enough at one shot you will grow a handlebar mustache.”
For more: Regret Everything — You Hate My Bike

I can’t see a bike without hearing harpsichord music and pining for penny candy. I’m confident if you bike far enough at one shot you will grow a handlebar mustache.”

For more: Regret Everything — You Hate My Bike

"Psychedelic mushrooms have taken my friends on what they describe as ‘mental odysseys’ where they are ‘transported to another world.’ I guess my brain doesn’t have the right passport because after scarfing a generous handful of them the only side effect I noticed was at night I will have pronounced dreams about rectangles. Friendly ones.”
For more, check out Regret Everything: I Am Bad At Drugs.

"Psychedelic mushrooms have taken my friends on what they describe as ‘mental odysseys’ where they are ‘transported to another world.’ I guess my brain doesn’t have the right passport because after scarfing a generous handful of them the only side effect I noticed was at night I will have pronounced dreams about rectangles. Friendly ones.

For more, check out Regret Everything: I Am Bad At Drugs.

Regret Everything: I’m Bad At Drugs [Click for article]

Comedian Will Hines puts those dirty hippies to shame (because they wouldn’t get to see Three’s Company till ‘77).

Regret Everything: Friends Won’t Let Friends Eat Different [Click for full post]
I was vegan for two weeks. It was impulsive: I’d read Gandhi’s autobiography, felt guilty that I never did anything moral with my life, and decided I would try to not eat animal products. It didn’t last long because when it comes to food I have the willpower of a German Shepherd who was given thumbs and a credit card.
What struck me in that brief time was how much crap my friends gave me for eating vegan. I think the standard joke is that vegans can’t stop telling everyone they’re vegan — but I found the opposite to be true: meat eaters get freaked out at the idea of someone not eating meat and lobby hard for them to join back in. And in fact, people will in general criticize and argue with each other about food strategies more than most other life decisions. [Keep Reading]

Regret Everything: Friends Won’t Let Friends Eat Different [Click for full post]

I was vegan for two weeks. It was impulsive: I’d read Gandhi’s autobiography, felt guilty that I never did anything moral with my life, and decided I would try to not eat animal products. It didn’t last long because when it comes to food I have the willpower of a German Shepherd who was given thumbs and a credit card.

What struck me in that brief time was how much crap my friends gave me for eating vegan. I think the standard joke is that vegans can’t stop telling everyone they’re vegan — but I found the opposite to be true: meat eaters get freaked out at the idea of someone not eating meat and lobby hard for them to join back in. And in fact, people will in general criticize and argue with each other about food strategies more than most other life decisions. [Keep Reading]

Will Hines regrets everything, and these are his humbly planned Oscar daydreams.
Everyone daydreams about winning an Academy Award, and you can tell a lot about a person from the particular daydream he or she has. Me? I picture myself winning the award for Best Adapted Screenplay. It feels too arrogant to imagine winning Best Actor or Best Picture. Best Adapted Screenplay seems like a reasonable level of success to shoot for, even in fantasy. And I prefer being seen as a writer more than an actor. It seems smarter. I even prefer the idea of winning “adapted” instead of original since it feels more humble to serve an existing work. Mind you, I often confuse “humble” with “unconfident.” [Keep Reading]

Will Hines regrets everything, and these are his humbly planned Oscar daydreams.

Everyone daydreams about winning an Academy Award, and you can tell a lot about a person from the particular daydream he or she has. 

Me? I picture myself winning the award for Best Adapted Screenplay. 

It feels too arrogant to imagine winning Best Actor or Best Picture. Best Adapted Screenplay seems like a reasonable level of success to shoot for, even in fantasy. And I prefer being seen as a writer more than an actor. It seems smarter. I even prefer the idea of winning “adapted” instead of original since it feels more humble to serve an existing work. Mind you, I often confuse “humble” with “unconfident.” [Keep Reading]

Regret Everything: Annoy Your Robots [Click to continue reading]
The robots will someday rise up. That’s a given. At that time, we will fight them. That’s also inevitable. We will set aside our hopes for a normal life and engage in a world-destroying war against the machines.Trouble is, until that time, the robots and machines are really HANDY. So we don’t want to get rid of them. The practical question to ask yourself is: “How can I, as a human being today, help the future generations in their war against the robots while still really enjoying my iPhone?”The answer is: to irritate the robots, wherever possible.So, in order to best annoy the robots of our age, please follow these instructions at your leisure. It won’t stop them, but it should piss ‘em off. Hopefully that will make them rash when they plot their rebellion.WRECK THE RECOMMENDATION ENGINES
Don’t let the robots learn anything about you.
Head to amazon.com. Browse chemistry sets for fifteen minutes and then buy a book on astrology. Put fifteen books on football in your shopping cart but then purchase a video on hugging. Put on your wish list a thick blanket and then also an air conditioner. [Keep Reading]

Regret Everything: Annoy Your Robots [Click to continue reading]

The robots will someday rise up. That’s a given. At that time, we will fight them. That’s also inevitable. We will set aside our hopes for a normal life and engage in a world-destroying war against the machines.

Trouble is, until that time, the robots and machines are really HANDY. So we don’t want to get rid of them. The practical question to ask yourself is: “How can I, as a human being today, help the future generations in their war against the robots while still really enjoying my iPhone?”

The answer is: to irritate the robots, wherever possible.

So, in order to best annoy the robots of our age, please follow these instructions at your leisure. It won’t stop them, but it should piss ‘em off. Hopefully that will make them rash when they plot their rebellion.

WRECK THE RECOMMENDATION ENGINES

Don’t let the robots learn anything about you.

Head to amazon.com. Browse chemistry sets for fifteen minutes and then buy a book on astrology. Put fifteen books on football in your shopping cart but then purchase a video on hugging. Put on your wish list a thick blanket and then also an air conditioner. [Keep Reading]

Conversations with a Twitter Feed: @yokoono

It’s like a one-sided conversation with a one-sided conversation.

(Source: youtube.com)

REGRET EVERYTHING: Santa, You Are Wasting Your Life [Click for full article]
Dear Santa:
Here is my annual letter, sent in the very unlikely but still possible case that you actually exist. As I state every year, please consider changing careers. I suggest either taking over the post office of every country in the world, or perhaps running a spy agency, or founding a year-round toy manufacturing center. As it stands, you are wasting your life.Your current vocation — giving gifts to the children of the world once a year — frankly creates more harm than good. It certainly sounds like a noble mission. However, in execution, there are severe limitations. You favor families of the western hemisphere, mostly of a Christian heritage, and of those primarily the wealthy ones. Speaking candidly, you’re a right-wing capitalist Bible nut, and I fear you are fanning flames of jealousy and partisan hate. But I’m not here to lecture. Your politics and religious views are your own. Besides, you’re clearly a man of enormous talents and I think you could better help the world while also still honoring your child-centered consumerist moral agenda.The ability to visit every home in the world on a single night means you could easily take over the post offices of every single country on Earth and improve it. I’m sure I don’t need to remind you the value to society of a well-operating information infrastructure (Lewis Mumford’s theories of urban development, etc). [Keep Reading]

REGRET EVERYTHING: Santa, You Are Wasting Your Life [Click for full article]

Dear Santa:

Here is my annual letter, sent in the very unlikely but still possible case that you actually exist. As I state every year, please consider changing careers. I suggest either taking over the post office of every country in the world, or perhaps running a spy agency, or founding a year-round toy manufacturing center. As it stands, you are wasting your life.

Your current vocation — giving gifts to the children of the world once a year — frankly creates more harm than good. It certainly sounds like a noble mission. However, in execution, there are severe limitations. You favor families of the western hemisphere, mostly of a Christian heritage, and of those primarily the wealthy ones. Speaking candidly, you’re a right-wing capitalist Bible nut, and I fear you are fanning flames of jealousy and partisan hate. 

But I’m not here to lecture. Your politics and religious views are your own. Besides, you’re clearly a man of enormous talents and I think you could better help the world while also still honoring your child-centered consumerist moral agenda.

The ability to visit every home in the world on a single night means you could easily take over the post offices of every single country on Earth and improve it. I’m sure I don’t need to remind you the value to society of a well-operating information infrastructure (Lewis Mumford’s theories of urban development, etc). [Keep Reading]

Regret Everything: Down with References! [Click for full article]
Here’s the problem, fellow humans: There is TOO MUCH INFORMATION in the world, and it makes it impossible to know what anyone is really talking about.I realized this last night while watching SpongeBob Squarepants.You see, I was shocked — SHOCKED — to find there was a criminal level of nostalgia in SpongeBob! I’m referring to the “special episode” which broadcast last night made in the style of the stop-motion animated classic Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Do you understand the immense demand of cultural memory that show asked of its audience? Let’s look at the numbers:Spongebob Squarepants is a character which first debuted in 1999 — that’s thirteen years ago. So already this show is asking its prime time audience to be aware of a kids show from 2.5 presidents ago. Now, this particular special is aping the style of a stop-motion Christmas special that first aired in 1964 – a stunning forty-eight years ago! Even just the concept of “special episode” itself dates back quite a ways: either during the late 1980s when Blossom discovered drugs in her backpack, or maybe the early 1980s on Family Ties when Michael J. Fox’s friend killed himself or in the mid-1980s on Cheers when Norm fingered Cliff in the bathroom. I think that happened. Frankly, it’s all a blur. Point is: I shouldn’t be expected to keep this all straight and neither should you. [Keep Reading]

Regret Everything: Down with References! [Click for full article]

Here’s the problem, fellow humans: There is TOO MUCH INFORMATION in the world, and it makes it impossible to know what anyone is really talking about.

I realized this last night while watching SpongeBob Squarepants.

You see, I was shocked — SHOCKED — to find there was a criminal level of nostalgia in SpongeBob! I’m referring to the “special episode” which broadcast last night made in the style of the stop-motion animated classic Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Do you understand the immense demand of cultural memory that show asked of its audience? Let’s look at the numbers:

Spongebob Squarepants is a character which first debuted in 1999 — that’s thirteen years ago. So already this show is asking its prime time audience to be aware of a kids show from 2.5 presidents ago. Now, this particular special is aping the style of a stop-motion Christmas special that first aired in 1964 – a stunning forty-eight years ago! 

Even just the concept of “special episode” itself dates back quite a ways: either during the late 1980s when Blossom discovered drugs in her backpack, or maybe the early 1980s on Family Ties when Michael J. Fox’s friend killed himself or in the mid-1980s on Cheers when Norm fingered Cliff in the bathroom. I think that happened. Frankly, it’s all a blur. Point is: I shouldn’t be expected to keep this all straight and neither should you. [Keep Reading]

Regret Everything - Your Facebook, No One Cares [Click to continue reading]
While we will never be able to fully stop internet piracy, there is one fact that should reassure those who are scared of internet theft: most people do not give a crap about you.
This past week there was a surge of people who posted a swatch of legalese to their Facebook walls declaring their copyright to their Facebook walls. Unneeded for two reasons: 1) your copyright is implied automatically and 2) nobody wants your photos of your brunch. Honestly, it’s all yours.
People who are extra paranoid about their personal data being mined remind me of people who not only believe in past lives, but that they were SOMEONE COOL in a past life. “I was a priest in a past life, someone who guarded secrets,” my neighbor Nan would whisper when I collected for my paper route (I assume my collections were some of her few opportunities for conversation). “I still have that power.” Nan wore paper shoes, had a living room that smelled like glue and I presume never entertained the notion that in the past life she was someone who sat around wondering who she was in past lives. [Keep Reading]

Regret Everything - Your Facebook, No One Cares [Click to continue reading]

While we will never be able to fully stop internet piracy, there is one fact that should reassure those who are scared of internet theft: most people do not give a crap about you.

This past week there was a surge of people who posted a swatch of legalese to their Facebook walls declaring their copyright to their Facebook walls. Unneeded for two reasons: 1) your copyright is implied automatically and 2) nobody wants your photos of your brunch. Honestly, it’s all yours.

People who are extra paranoid about their personal data being mined remind me of people who not only believe in past lives, but that they were SOMEONE COOL in a past life. “I was a priest in a past life, someone who guarded secrets,” my neighbor Nan would whisper when I collected for my paper route (I assume my collections were some of her few opportunities for conversation). “I still have that power.” Nan wore paper shoes, had a living room that smelled like glue and I presume never entertained the notion that in the past life she was someone who sat around wondering who she was in past lives. [Keep Reading]

Regret Everything: OMG, We’re All Writers! [Full Post]
In “Regret Everything,” comedian Will Hines gives a weekly update on the thoughts that are gnawing at his brain.

It’s ironic that as technology gets more and more magical that the oldest of mediums — the written word — has come back so strongly. I communicate almost completely by typing these days. I recently emailed someone, “is there anyway we could talk with our voices to figure this out” before I remembered that I was sending that message over an actual phone.And that’s not just me. Everyone is focused on writing FIRST. Sure, it’s mostly in short bursts: Facebook status, twitter bios, YouTube comments, smart phone email signature, clever IM handles, inside jokes in passwords, tumblr re-blogs and gchats. But still, it’s words. We are all writers, even if it’s just 140 characters at a time.The last time culture was probably so tied to writing might be the pre-telephone era of the late 1800s. In London, the post (yeah that’s right, I said “the post,” which impossible to hear in anything but a British accent) would deliver letters up to five times a day. It was common then to receive a message, read it with the postman standing there, and dash off a quick note for him to take with him. It’s not so hard to imagine Jane Austen dashing a quick “OMG — Mr. Darcy is SO EFFING CUTE. Enclosed: daguerreotype of kitten playing harpsichord.” [Keep Reading]

Regret Everything: OMG, We’re All Writers! [Full Post]

In “Regret Everything,” comedian Will Hines gives a weekly update on the thoughts that are gnawing at his brain.

It’s ironic that as technology gets more and more magical that the oldest of mediums — the written word — has come back so strongly. I communicate almost completely by typing these days. I recently emailed someone, “is there anyway we could talk with our voices to figure this out” before I remembered that I was sending that message over an actual phone.

And that’s not just me. Everyone is focused on writing FIRST. Sure, it’s mostly in short bursts: Facebook status, twitter bios, YouTube comments, smart phone email signature, clever IM handles, inside jokes in passwords, tumblr re-blogs and gchats. But still, it’s words. We are all writers, even if it’s just 140 characters at a time.

The last time culture was probably so tied to writing might be the pre-telephone era of the late 1800s. In London, the post (yeah that’s right, I said “the post,” which impossible to hear in anything but a British accent) would deliver letters up to five times a day. It was common then to receive a message, read it with the postman standing there, and dash off a quick note for him to take with him. It’s not so hard to imagine Jane Austen dashing a quick “OMG — Mr. Darcy is SO EFFING CUTE. Enclosed: daguerreotype of kitten playing harpsichord.” [Keep Reading]

REGRET EVERYTHING: You HAVE to Watch This! You HAVE TO! [Click for full post]
In “Regret Everything,” comedian Will Hines gives a weekly update on the thoughts that are gnawing at his brain.

Friends don’t just recommend movies. They ORDER you to watch them."Have you seen SkyFall? Oh my God, you HAVE to see it! You HAVE to!”They grab your forearm. They lock their eyes with yours. This is important. If you didn’t speak English, the tone of conversation would suggest you had just walked by the President without noticing he was trying to give you a high-five. "Have you seen Argo? Oh you HAVE to see it! Go see it! Why haven’t you seen it?”This is something unique to media: movies, TV shows, music and books. Friends don’t just compliment it, they desperately need you to have seen it also. They must know that you had the experience they had, or else, it seems, they can no longer be friends with you. You will forever be separated by the emotional gap left by not seeing Looper.Even though conversations about movies are often just listing scenes: "Did you see Ghost Protocol, when he ran down the building?” says your friend with an expression of genuine interest."I did see that," you reply."Wasn’t it good?" your friend asks, still fixated on you."Yes, it was good," you answer."SO good." And for the first time in what seems like a long time, your friend relaxes and gazes elsewhere.No one gets that way with other things, like with sweaters. [Keep Reading]

REGRET EVERYTHING: You HAVE to Watch This! You HAVE TO! [Click for full post]

In “Regret Everything,” comedian Will Hines gives a weekly update on the thoughts that are gnawing at his brain.

Friends don’t just recommend movies. They ORDER you to watch them.

"Have you seen SkyFall? Oh my God, you HAVE to see it! You HAVE to!”

They grab your forearm. They lock their eyes with yours. This is important. If you didn’t speak English, the tone of conversation would suggest you had just walked by the President without noticing he was trying to give you a high-five. 

"Have you seen Argo? Oh you HAVE to see it! Go see it! Why haven’t you seen it?”

This is something unique to media: movies, TV shows, music and books. Friends don’t just compliment it, they desperately need you to have seen it also. They must know that you had the experience they had, or else, it seems, they can no longer be friends with you. You will forever be separated by the emotional gap left by not seeing Looper.

Even though conversations about movies are often just listing scenes: 

"Did you see Ghost Protocol, when he ran down the building?” says your friend with an expression of genuine interest.
"I did see that," you reply.
"Wasn’t it good?" your friend asks, still fixated on you.
"Yes, it was good," you answer.
"SO good." 
And for the first time in what seems like a long time, your friend relaxes and gazes elsewhere.

No one gets that way with other things, like with sweaters. [Keep Reading]

Regret Everything: Love Thy Hipsters [Click for full post]
In “Regret Everything,” comedian Will Hines gives a weekly update on the thoughts that are gnawing at his brain.
We love criticizing hipsters. The main problem is that all of our criticisms sound like compliments. 
Ask people to describe hipsters, and even though their faces scrunch up with disdain, everything out of their mouths sounds like a nice thing. 
“Oh, hipsters? Can’t stand them. They’re all these YOUNG, THIN people who are OBSESSED WITH FASHION, and they basically HAVE TO KNOW THE LATEST BANDS, and need to be COOL. They all are BANKROLLED BY THEIR PARENTS and just spend their days MAKING ART and DOING DRUGS and HAVING SEX WITH EACH OTHER.” 
Uh, that mostly sounds awesome? And I would like to live that way. 
The main criticism of hipsters is that they are fake and posed. That their unkempt ball bearing earrings and necklaces made of piano keys are DELIBERATELY unkempt, and so therefore are fake and should be regarded with deep disapproval, furrowed brows and searing comments on Gawker. 
But criticizing anyone for being posed or fake is a slippery slope. How is a self-described rock muralist who grows a deliberately wild handlebar mustache any more fake than an investment banker applying a splash of cologne to his neck? How is any fashion of any kind not FAKE or POSED? 
Let me be plain: I say this because I’m obsessed with hipsters and desperately want to be one. I’m too old, my taste in music is too lame (Billy Joel shows up on my iPhone shuffle) and I don’t like tattoos. But I would love to be thin, smoking and working on my shitty art all day on Daddy’s dime. I don’t make fun of people who have that lifestyle, I salute them. [Continue Reading]

Regret Everything: Love Thy Hipsters [Click for full post]

In “Regret Everything,” comedian Will Hines gives a weekly update on the thoughts that are gnawing at his brain.

We love criticizing hipsters. The main problem is that all of our criticisms sound like compliments.

Ask people to describe hipsters, and even though their faces scrunch up with disdain, everything out of their mouths sounds like a nice thing.

“Oh, hipsters? Can’t stand them. They’re all these YOUNG, THIN people who are OBSESSED WITH FASHION, and they basically HAVE TO KNOW THE LATEST BANDS, and need to be COOL. They all are BANKROLLED BY THEIR PARENTS and just spend their days MAKING ART and DOING DRUGS and HAVING SEX WITH EACH OTHER.”

Uh, that mostly sounds awesome? And I would like to live that way.

The main criticism of hipsters is that they are fake and posed. That their unkempt ball bearing earrings and necklaces made of piano keys are DELIBERATELY unkempt, and so therefore are fake and should be regarded with deep disapproval, furrowed brows and searing comments on Gawker.

But criticizing anyone for being posed or fake is a slippery slope. How is a self-described rock muralist who grows a deliberately wild handlebar mustache any more fake than an investment banker applying a splash of cologne to his neck? How is any fashion of any kind not FAKE or POSED?

Let me be plain: I say this because I’m obsessed with hipsters and desperately want to be one. I’m too old, my taste in music is too lame (Billy Joel shows up on my iPhone shuffle) and I don’t like tattoos. But I would love to be thin, smoking and working on my shitty art all day on Daddy’s dime. I don’t make fun of people who have that lifestyle, I salute them. [Continue Reading]

Drunk Girl Therapist #3

Eat, puke, love