With NSA spying, drone strikes and war, America isn’t the shining beacon of hope it used to be. But it could be worse. We could be anywhere else. Leave it to country music to find a way to stay patriotic in these dark times.
Take this quiz and MAKE YOUR COUNTRY PROUD!!! Or very disappointed. Whichev!
Woo-hoo! Captain America is #1. Suck it, Axis of Evil! …Wait… what’s that? Captain America is 24th in reading comprehension AND couldn’t solve a math problem to save his life. Aw, bummer.
Just in time for the Independence Day weekend, FoxADHD has put out a brand new updated version of Captain America’s theme song based on world statistics. It turns out that Captain America is really good at using electricity and driving gas-guzzling SUVs, but not so good at watching his weight.
Damn you, Fox animators and your socialist America-hating views. I’m going to write you a stern internet comment — right after I chug this 2 liter soda.
Learn about the adventures and #struggle of all the cool historical dolls from 2014!
Finish reading American Girl Dolls Re-Imagined For Today
The US could probably use a bit more Mexico to be honest.
His nipple is one of the 50 stars on the flag.
Click for more:
World War II Countries’ Tic-Tac-Toe Strategies
This Sums Up the Current Situation With Justin Bieber
The government has been less than graceful in the past few weeks. But hey! Here’s an idea! Let’s count our blessings, it could be a lot worse! For instance, an ordinary guy like me could be in charge. Here’s a look at my official itinerary for a day in the life of me as president.
8:00AM - Give congress a piece of my mind WE DESERVE BETTER! We have spent TOO LONG waiting for change. First thing on my list, bust into the Congress house and let them know that the jig is up. Just kidding. I don’t know what congress does.
8:00AM - Google what congress does/where it is Honestly, if I were president for a day, I’d spend a good deal of time Googling things. For instance: I don’t know what this Congress business is all about. I’m not even sure if it’s technically even a real physical thing. It could just be a collective noun for an abstract concept, like “zeitgeist”, or “ethos”.
8:45AM - Google what the senate does, which is apparently NOT the same thing as congress You learn something new every day, and in my case, as president, I’ve learned that while Congress IS a real physical entity that I can show up to, it’s kind of split up into “The Senate,” and “The House of Representatives.” It’s very much an “all squares are not rectangles” situation. But see, these are things that I bet you the real president already knows and thus, another poignant reason we shouldn’t be so hard on the guy.
9:30AM - Visit the subterranean bunkers and read some top secret files Instagram all files written in “courier” font because that’s retro, which is cool. Play fallout-shelter hide and seek with the secret service (I hear they’re VERY good). Make shadow puppets, etc.
11:00AM - Spend some time reflecting in the presidential library And by that I mean, sequester myself for a couple hours to cram as many episodes of The West Wing into one sitting as I can. I’m not an Aaron Sorkin fan, really, because I don’t like it when characters “talk” because I have a hard time deciphering human emotions from “words”, but a little exposure to the whole politics game couldn’t hurt!
11:03AM - Watch 1600 Penn instead. Okay, so The West Wing is a little above my reading-level. Whatever though, 1600 Penn is the same thing, just with Bill Pullman (who has played the President TWICE, which absolutely counts for something).
11:05AM - 12:30 PM - As it turns out 1600 Penn is also a nudge or several above my reading-level. But I did manage to catch up on How I Met Your Mother. Good show. Great show.
12:30 PM - Fix the Economy, Fix the Debt Crisis, Fix Marriage Equality I mean. You know… There’s a lot of paperwork to sort through here, and really it’s the thought that counts. And I did think about it.
12:30PM - End World Hunger Starting with ME. Time to check out the Whitehouse foodcourt.
12:30PM - 3:00PM - Get lunch at the White House’s on-site McDonald’s So the whole McDonald’s in the Whitehouse thing as an old made up folk legend, which is unfortunate because that was one of the main selling points of being president. In case anyone is wondering, I was thinking of Richie Rich.
Obama and Putin Are, Like, Totally Fighting [Click to finish chat]
Diplomacy has been blocked.
Kings Landing = Washington, DC
It’s the capitol, it’s full of corrupt people vying for titles, and it’s built on the backs of the poor. Everyone is vying for the Iron Throne and it’s hard to figure out who to root for.
Winterfell = Boston, MA
Beautiful in the summer and uninhabitable in the winter. The inhabitants incorrectly think their city is the center of the empire. It is, however, the only real city in its region. (Providence? Really?) The people there are honorable and resilient, and spend much of their time watching sports. Not many black people.
The King’s Road = I-95
A highly trafficked route from Winterfell to King’s Landing, the road is littered with inns and merchants. There are also many bandits who live alongside it in dangerous places like New Haven, Newark, and Baltimore.
Beyond the Wall = Canada
It’s cold, it’s vast, and it’s terrifying. But the wildlings are a good people once you get to know them. Also it’s governed by a monarch far away who doesn’t actually hold any real power in the people’s minds.
Castle Black = Canadian Border Crossing
This is all that separates us from the unknown terror of the great white north. Also it’s manned by a bunch of humorless guys that don’t get laid.
The Iron Islands = Pittsburgh, PA
Cold, wet, gray, and nicknamed for metal, this is a place that was once prominent but is now full of working class people and pirates. And the pirates have been horrible for many years.
Casterly Rock = New York City
The regional capital (and the financial center of the Empire), it used to be ruled by a different group – until they were tricked into trusting a foreigner. Now it’s ruled by rich people who think they’re better parents than they are.
Lannisport = Greenwich, CT
Situated close to the main city, but far enough away that the citizens don’t need to be bothered. Also, it’s full of money and incest.
Harrenhal = Chicago, IL
It’s rich, and it’s on the way to most things. But the governing of it seems to be cursed as no one can rule it for long. And it burnt down once.
Valyria = Detroit, MI
Due to its fearsome beasts with great abilities to travel, this was once the center of the world and a shining jewel of civilization. But then a cataclysmic event rendered it a smoldering ruin of its former glory. The only thing that endures is a bit of their ancient music. And the secrets of manufacturing things there have long been forgotten.
Dorn = Napa Valley, CA
Remote area known for women, wine, and boringness.
(Source: College Humor)