Welcome to AT&T! Thinking about buying a cell phone? Relax. As tempting as it is to just drone on and on for the next 40 minutes going over things like” rollover minutes” and coverage maps, this time we’re going to just blow right past the boring stuff and get right to the features you actually care about. So what can owning a cell phone do for you, you ask?
1. We are replacing the ENTIRE government — House, Senate, myself, you name it — with three sagely dudes in white robes with long white beards.
We will call them “The Three Clerics” or just “The Three,” and they will convey all government decisions to us through telepathy while floating in a giant chamber in the “Temple of Elders” (the middle guy will float a little higher than the other two).
I realize this is a radical, abrupt departure from our current system of Constitutional checks and balances, but I assure you, I’ve looked towards the future, and three vaguely-magical dudes proclaiming cryptic wisdom is definitely the way to go. Also they’ll have orbs.
2. All major cities will be renamed something cool and futuristic.
Finish reading 10 Things That Will Happen Before Every Futuristic Movie
Finish reading If Your Computer’s AntiVirus Talked Like Your Mom
No, I typed it right the first time.
Finish reading It’s Not Always Autocorrect
Conan’s App Review: Stress Relief Apps
Tech guru Conan O’Brien road tests highly rated stress relieving apps that allow you to throw knives at irritants, zone out to a Scottish brogue, or even get a massage from a virtual beauty:
Do you remember me? Do you remember the way you used to hold me? The way you used to make me feel needed? The way you used to pay $49.99 a month to whisper sweet nothings into my ear for 600 minutes plus 50 whenever minutes? Do you remember me, your Nokia 3310?
Incase you can’t recall, it was a time before texts. It was a time before cameras, video, and a time before color screens. A black and white world. Simple. You eat a tiny square and the snake grows one tiny square longer. No Temple Run. No Angry Birds. No 4 inch screens to play it all on. It was as cut and dry as an 8-bit ringtone. You needed me and I needed you.
I still remember how it happened, too. Don’t you? In the beginning the communication was great. We both wanted it. And that’s how it works. It’s mutual. But then little by little you grew distant. The broken phone calls. The “I-can’t-hear-yous”. The “we’re-breaking-ups,” as if the miscommunication was my fault. Sure, you caught me roaming that one summer we left the service area, but in hind-sight it’s so easy to see it was just the provider (ha! Isn’t that always how it goes?).
But soon enough the broken calls became less and less. You wanted something that “worked”. And just like that you cast me aside. Me. Your go-to-gal. Your best friend. Your Nokia 3310! You cast me aside and you made me feel unwanted—helpless and out of service. Until one day you came home with someone else. Something else. The Motorola Razr.
Sure, you felt that initial guilt. The detachment and fear of something new. After all, you were so used to my push keyboard and bulky frame. I mean, why would you want something else? But you did. She was thin and I was not. She was sleek. A new slender design. And of course, she could flip. And you liked that, no matter what you said. You knew you liked it. I knew you liked it. And it didn’t make anything any easier.
Jokes on her though, right? Because how long did that one last? Twelve? Eighteen months? And what did you say it was? More miscommunication? Not enough space? Or was it just a taste for something new? Pretty soon you cast aside Ol’ Razr to satiate your hunger with something sweeter. The LG Chocolate KG800. Although, that didn’t last too long either. Remind me. What came next? Was it the BlackBerry? Or was it the BlackBerry Storm? The Bold? The Curve 8900? And at what point did you finally realize a new adjective wouldn’t fix that dying relationship?
And now for the new girl. I said I wouldn’t, but I can’t resist. The way you flaunt her around. Show her off. Touch her. Grope her. Finger her screen. What’s her name? Sophie? Jaclyn? iPhone 5s? And I think we all know what the “s” stands for. You can’t even go to the bathroom without her! You two are inseparable! And it makes me sick. You make me sick. Because you know what? It’s only a matter of time and we both know it. It’s not the miscommunication. It’s not the storage space, the service provider or whatever else you’ve blamed it on. No, it’s you. It’s you and your undying need to feed from the hand of consumerist America. And for that I pity you.
So here I sit. Covered in dust. Biding my time between a sack of soggy Pogs and a lost container of Crazy Bones. Idle. Silently waiting for the call of opportunity. And when opportunity finally rings, who will pick up? Will it be the sleek design of the Motorola Razr? How about the sweet new Chocolate? One of the many forgotten BlackBerrys? The iPhone with her brittle glass exterior? Or will it be the one who was built to last? The one who once reigned as queen of the cell phones. The one you left for dead. Me. Your Nokia 3310.
Do you remember me? Do you remember the way you used to hold me?
Written and illustrated by Caldwell Tanner. Subscribe to his new YouTube series The Drawfee Channel. New episodes every day of the week.
Finish reading 7 Rejected Google Doodles
Every so often, Google redesigns its logo for a day in tribute to a person or moment in history. Today, we are privileged to present a few leaked Google Doodles (created by one of Google’s staff designers) that didn’t make it past the design phase. We have also obtained the original notes from Google’s art director, which have been included for the sake of journalistic accuracy.
(Source: College Humor)
Your favorite films just got a lot shorter.
A step-by-step guide to mastering the art of the “The Reply.”
Finish reading How to Properly Respond to an Important Email