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The Adventures of God

I

God: Noah, all the people of earth are sinners. You alone are righteous.

Noah: Thanks God. Long time fan, first time prophet.

God: So, I have decided to smite the entire world with a flood.

(pause)

Noah: Couldn’t you just teach man goodness?

God: No. I’m thinking “flood.”

Noah: So you’d rather just kill every-

God: What part of “flood” do you not understand?

II

God: Moses…I have seen the plight of the Jews in Egypt.

Moses: Wow. Only after, uh, 400 years there, right?

God: Yes.

Moses: Awesome.

God: I will take you out of Egypt after ten terrible, terrible plagues.

Moses: …ten?

God: Is there a problem?

Moses: It’s just…ten is a lot. For, you know, God. Couldn’t you get this done in like, two plagues max?

God: No. For you see, Moses, I will harden Pharaoh’s heart against me.

Moses: So…you are going to stop him from letting us free from slavery.

God: Yes.

Moses: So you can bring more terrible, terrible plagues upon the people.

God: Yes.

Moses: And you see nothing wrong with this picture?

God: … 

Moses: Are there any other Gods up there I can talk to?



III

Mary: Did you send the child support?

God: Frankincense and myrrh. Yeah.

Mary  Annnnnd?

God: (sighs). And gold. And the gold.

Mary: That’s better.



IV

Job: …

God: Well, this is awkward.



V

God: Abraham, you must circumcise yourself.

Abraham: As you wish, my lord.

God: Oh my Me. He’s totally going to do it.

Watch —> The Tetris God

(Source: College Humor)

Don’t talk to me until I’ve said my morning prayer to the Coffee Gods.

Finish reading —> If The Things You Did Religiously Had Their Own Religion

Adam and Eve were the ORIGINAL hipsters. 

Finish reading —> Three Readings from the Hipster Bible

watch some of the illustrator, Caldwell Tanner’s new YouTube channel —> The Drawfee Show

Bishops Agree That What the What?!

Bishops Agree That What the What?!

(Source: reddit.com)

The perfect novel for candlelight reading on your spaceship … far away from the light of any stars.

The perfect novel for candlelight reading on your spaceship … far away from the light of any stars.

(Source: reddit.com)

So Jesus and Colonel Sanders Walk into a Bar…
"So… is meat actually murder? Asking for a friend."

So Jesus and Colonel Sanders Walk into a Bar…

"So… is meat actually murder? Asking for a friend."

(Source: reddit.com)

This Is What Happens When Truth Or Dare Goes Too Far.

Three girls reveal more than they thought they would.

Remember when Da Vinci actually used to be FUNNY??

Finish reading Internet Commenters Throughout History

Did someone say “America”?

(Source: reddit.com)

Together, they are truly the highest holiday.

Finish reading 6 Reasons Easter and 420 Are Actually the Same Holiday

Darth Seder

Join us as we celebrate the world’s coolest religion, next to Jedi of course.

(Source: youtube.com)

Pope Francis Talks About His Time as a Bouncer

Jesus Christ, that’s one badass pope.

(Source: youtube.com)

Which God do you bow to?

Finish reading The 13 Gods of the Internet Pantheon

If Other Directors Adapted Bible Stories »

How “Smart People” Do Religion

Lord have mercy on you dopes.

(Source: youtube.com)