Here’s why Bill Murray is worth celebrating year-round, from crashing parties to showing up at our kickball game (for real!).
Nothing like NYE for bringing out the many faces of vodka. And vodka drinkers.
More moves than a bowl full of jelly.
It’s the most dank time of the year.
ICYMI: Party at Your House
A late contender for terrible music video of the year
TLDNR: What if the Apocalypse Really Does Come on 12/21/12 [Click for full article]
The Mayans long ago created a calendar that is set to expire on 12/21/12. Many across the world have interpreted this as a doomsday prophecy and are flocking to areas of supposed significance, awaiting the end of times. The chance that a pre-Columbian society with an admittedly advanced understanding of heavenly motion – though not nearly as advanced as ours now – could predict the expiration date of earth more than five hundred years in the future is, to put it kindly, remote. However, as with all analysis of likelihoods, there is of course a chance that the Mayans could be correct. And that would just suck, right?!
All this time we could have been having orgies, experimenting with lethal drugs and stealing military planes to go for joy rides, but, whoops, didn’t believe the Mayans! Instead of writing this stupid article I could be out eating a hundred lobsters, literally stuffing myself with lobster until my stomach walls ripped open, because, hey, why not? Or I could be stuffing you with lobsters. We could do it to each other with lobsters. At an orgy. On that military plane that flies in a parabolic arc so that the passengers achieve weightlessness. We could be doing that, but we didn’t believe the Mayans. [Keep Reading]
We found the worst teenage girl music video of 2012, and it only took until mid-December.
What You Say During A Holiday Party, And What You Really Mean [Click for full article]
“I work at a Chuck E Cheese. I watched a little girl steal about 50 tokens out of a box we keep (not very well) hidden. Then she told me that a machine ate 7 tokens. I told her to stop putting tokens into a machine if 1 doesn’t make it work. Then she started crying?”
What You Say During a Holiday Party, and What You Really Mean [Click for full article]
“I finally got a raise after almost 3 years of working my tail off. After a weekend of celebrating I came back Monday to find out I had been fired for not clocking out.”
Old People Go Hard [Click for full gallery]
Age is just a number of very disturbing images.
“Gain Weight: You’ve been at college for the better part of three months, and in this time you’ve gone to a few classes, made a few friends, drank a few beers, and made far too many trips to the dessert bar. Instead of owning up to the fact that you now barely fit into your t-shirts and exclusively wear sweat pants, you continue on with your Easy Mac eating ways, oblivious to your growing gut. On the bright side, you are not alone. You’ll be surprised to find that many of your friends, both male and female, have put on a few extra pounds. Instead of wallowing in your grease-laden tears, throw caution to the wind and drink 13 Natty Ice’s with your high school friends and then go home to drunkenly eat all of the Thanksgiving leftovers.”
'Twas the night before Thanksgiving, whenall through the town,
Every creature was stirring their mixed drinks around;
The Natties were poured into solos with care,
In hopes that old drinking buddies soon would be there;
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While Mommy and Daddy got ripped outta their heads;
And I in my Sox hat and “2007 state champion” ring,
Had just settled in for
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I called “fives” and went to see what was the matter,
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Right on past the townies playing dice games for cash,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a ‘98 Ford Taurus with a dent in the rear,
With an 18 year old driver, and two 15 year old chicks,
I knew right away that it must be “Saint Nick”;
Still basking in the glory of last year’s Turkey Day game,
He whistled and shouted everyone’s nickname,
"Hey Sully! Yo Smitty! Sup Nizzle and Dubs!
Where’s G Squared, Corona, Weebsy and Chubs?
I’m half in the bag, and I think I just farted,
But who gives a sh*t, let’s get this party started!”
He walked through the house, making his rounds,
Giving daps and handshakes and chest bumps and pounds;
And then, in a twinkling, I looked right outside,
And saw that more friends from high school arrived,
As I gave a “whatup” to the rest of the crew,
Nick Stanton bear hugged me from out of the blue,
He was dressed in clothing from much earlier years,
And his breath was a combo of Combos and beers,
A bundle of Keystone’s he had in his sack,
A letterman’s jacket, with patches intact,
His eyes, one half open, his dimples, not there before,
His cheeks, filled with acne, his nose, even more,
It was easy to see last year’s High School Heisman winner,
Was skipping many classes, but not so for dinners;
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly,
He was chubby and plump and right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him in spite of myself;
He asked how I was doing and how were my folks,
And proceeded with a bevy of old inside jokes,
His words were quite slurred, he had unexplained abrasions,
The turkey he consumed was of the “Wild” persuasion;
And after smashing his bottle and patting my back,
He went out the door with a bottle of Jack,
He came to his car, and called for his bitches,
An embarrassment of nubile, tweenaged riches,
And I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight,
"I hope there isn’t a DUI checkpoint tonight!"
(Source: College Humor)