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TLDNR: Goddamn Cold and Flu Season [Click to read]
Streeter’s got some great old-fashioned tips that’ll improve your (spiritual) health.

TLDNR: Goddamn Cold and Flu Season [Click to read]

Streeter’s got some great old-fashioned tips that’ll improve your (spiritual) health.

TLDNR: 5 Easy Steps to Get Rid of Someone Standing Behind You While You’re on the Computer [Click for full article]
We’ve all been there! You’re sitting down at your computer to browse around, play some games, do some shopping, whatever, but then someone up and stands right behind you. They probably don’t mean any harm but it’s certainly hard to enjoy your time on the computer with Big Brother looking over your shoulder. Here’s how to get rid of anyone – a sibling, a parent, a roommate, a girlfriend, boyfriend, husband or wife – in 5 simple steps! Stacy, honey, I’m trying to do that article right now, OK? Just give me a few minutes. Please.1. Give them the time of day! Maybe the unwanted lurker just has a quick question and doesn’t want to interrupt. Turn around and say something like, “Hey! What’s up?” More often than not, the lurker will ask a question, you can answer and the situation is resloved in no time. Yeah, I know I spelled it wrong, Stacy. I’ll go back and fix it in a minute but I’m trying to get a first draft done. This is how writing works, babe, OK? You’re not a writer so you don’t really get it. Just hang in the living room and I’ll be in when I’m done. [Keep Reading]

TLDNR: 5 Easy Steps to Get Rid of Someone Standing Behind You While You’re on the Computer [Click for full article]

We’ve all been there! You’re sitting down at your computer to browse around, play some games, do some shopping, whatever, but then someone up and stands right behind you. They probably don’t mean any harm but it’s certainly hard to enjoy your time on the computer with Big Brother looking over your shoulder. Here’s how to get rid of anyone – a sibling, a parent, a roommate, a girlfriend, boyfriend, husband or wife – in 5 simple steps! Stacy, honey, I’m trying to do that article right now, OK? Just give me a few minutes. Please.

1. Give them the time of day! Maybe the unwanted lurker just has a quick question and doesn’t want to interrupt. Turn around and say something like, “Hey! What’s up?” More often than not, the lurker will ask a question, you can answer and the situation is resloved in no time. Yeah, I know I spelled it wrong, Stacy. I’ll go back and fix it in a minute but I’m trying to get a first draft done. This is how writing works, babe, OK? You’re not a writer so you don’t really get it. Just hang in the living room and I’ll be in when I’m done. [Keep Reading]

TLDNR: A New Drinking Game - “Bartender” [Click for full rules]
One night a few months ago, a bunch of CH writers went out to celebrate Malibu Einstein ‘s birthday at a bar in Brooklyn. We decided that we should make up a drinking game as a present, so we went to work brainstorming. After a few false starts, test rounds and moderate alcohol poisoning, we had the basics of a game called Bartender. It’s a quick game that can be played by 3 – 10 people and, hopefully, will reveal embarrassing secrets about your friends. Here is how you play: 
What you need: Friends, Alcohol 
Before the game can start, the players must determine who will be the Bartender first. Odds-or-evens, rock-paper-scissors, etc. Someone must “lose” and have to be Bartender first. The rest of the players are Patrons. Now you’re ready to play! 
The Bartender first picks a subject. So in our example game, the Bartender says to the group, “I want to talk about bad first dates.” 
Next, each Patron takes a turn telling the Bartender a personal story about themselves within the topic the Bartender selected. This story can be true or false. [Keep Reading]

TLDNR: A New Drinking Game - “Bartender” [Click for full rules]

One night a few months ago, a bunch of CH writers went out to celebrate Malibu Einstein ‘s birthday at a bar in Brooklyn. We decided that we should make up a drinking game as a present, so we went to work brainstorming. After a few false starts, test rounds and moderate alcohol poisoning, we had the basics of a game called Bartender. It’s a quick game that can be played by 3 – 10 people and, hopefully, will reveal embarrassing secrets about your friends. Here is how you play: 

What you need: Friends, Alcohol 

Before the game can start, the players must determine who will be the Bartender first. Odds-or-evens, rock-paper-scissors, etc. Someone must “lose” and have to be Bartender first. The rest of the players are Patrons. Now you’re ready to play! 

The Bartender first picks a subject. So in our example game, the Bartender says to the group, “I want to talk about bad first dates.” 

Next, each Patron takes a turn telling the Bartender a personal story about themselves within the topic the Bartender selected. This story can be true or false. [Keep Reading]

TLDNR: 3 More Inventions to Change the World [Full Post]
Fathand Salsa Jar (courtesy of Mike Trapp)

What’s the worst part of eating salsa? Sharing it. But there’s nothing we can do about that, so we have to address the second worst part of eating salsa: Salsa Wrist. This problem affects 100% of salsa eaters and is a result of lazy jar design and your inability put salsa in a bowl instead of scooping it out of the jar. When the salsa level in the jar gets so low that you’re forced to plunge your hand ever deeper into it, your wrist will inevitably make contact with the walls of the jar. It’s like trying to get the funny bone out of the guy in Operation: impossible not to make contact with anything but every ounce of your concentration. This has resulted in billions of salsa-stained shirt cuffs or, worse, wrist skin cells freely mingling with what’s left of that spicy black bean and roasted corn salsa rojo. Enter the Fathand Salsa Jar! Using patented “flower pot” technology, the Fathand Salsa Jar is wider at the top than it is on the bottom. Not only will this create a larger dippable surface area but it will eliminate the scourge of Salsa Wrist. [Keep Reading]

By the way, if you have a fun invention you don’t mind giving out to the world, email it to me at Streeter.Seidell@CollegeHumor.com and I’ll include it (with credit, of course) the next time I post one of these.

TLDNR: 3 More Inventions to Change the World [Full Post]

Fathand Salsa Jar (courtesy of Mike Trapp)

What’s the worst part of eating salsa? Sharing it. But there’s nothing we can do about that, so we have to address the second worst part of eating salsa: Salsa Wrist. This problem affects 100% of salsa eaters and is a result of lazy jar design and your inability put salsa in a bowl instead of scooping it out of the jar. When the salsa level in the jar gets so low that you’re forced to plunge your hand ever deeper into it, your wrist will inevitably make contact with the walls of the jar. It’s like trying to get the funny bone out of the guy in Operation: impossible not to make contact with anything but every ounce of your concentration. This has resulted in billions of salsa-stained shirt cuffs or, worse, wrist skin cells freely mingling with what’s left of that spicy black bean and roasted corn salsa rojo. Enter the Fathand Salsa Jar! Using patented “flower pot” technology, the Fathand Salsa Jar is wider at the top than it is on the bottom. Not only will this create a larger dippable surface area but it will eliminate the scourge of Salsa Wrist. [Keep Reading]

By the way, if you have a fun invention you don’t mind giving out to the world, email it to me at Streeter.Seidell@CollegeHumor.com and I’ll include it (with credit, of course) the next time I post one of these.

During the break in my morning engineering class one student did not return. About 20 minutes after class had resumed after the break she returned with a grocery bag full of stuff, put it down on her desk and left the class with something in her hand. This was very distracting. She came back after about 5 minutes with a freshly made cup of easy-mac. She then proceeded to sit down, pull out a soda, spoon, napkin, and a tupperware container. Inside the tupperware container was some left-over pizza. She then dipped the pizza in the easy mac and continued as if nothing were odd or distracting. She spent most of the rest of the class asking questions about topics she missed while she was out.

Classroom - Pizza Mac

Post your funny test answers and classroom stories here. What else are you gonna do, study?

Brand New Columns on CollegeHumor

Hey guys! We’ve launched a bunch of new columns with a bunch of really funny writers over the last few weeks. These new series tackle everything from science to sports to sex to the benefits of alliteration. Here’s a recap of some of the new things you can look forward to:

In “Yeah Science" Malibu Einstein covers all the weird, twisted parts of science they won’t talk about on PBS

TLDNR - Essays from CH Editor, Streeter Seidell, about whatever happens to be on his mind. From cats on the Internet to fashion deja vu, TLDNR is not afraid to weigh in on any topic and, no matter what the subject, it will certainly be too long to read.

In “Regret Everything," comedian Will Hines gives a weekly update on the thoughts that are gnawing at his brain.

Every week, Chris Barth updates you on the important events in the sporting world – the ones you may have heard of and the ones you definitely missed. He’s watching the games and calling things as he sees them. This is The Ref.

Reply AllEvery Tuesday resident chill-Internet-girl Marina will answer your questions about life, love, college, sex or anything else you’ve got on your mind. There will be GIFS.


Check ‘em out!

The COMPLETE History of the World as Facebook Newsfeed [Click through]
Everything important that has ever happened ever. EVER.

The COMPLETE History of the World as Facebook Newsfeed [Click through]

Everything important that has ever happened ever. EVER.

(Source: College Humor)

Facebook News Feed History of the World: World War I to World War II [click for larger]

Psstt…Check back on next Friday (12/2) when we COMPLETE THE SERIES. That’s right, no history can ever happen after that. Sorry, world, wrap it up.

Facebook News Feed History of the World: World War I to World War II [click for larger]

Psstt…Check back on next Friday (12/2) when we COMPLETE THE SERIES. That’s right, no history can ever happen after that. Sorry, world, wrap it up.

(Source: College Humor)

Make The Flying Shit

streeter:

Dear Scientists, 

Make the flying shit. It’s time. 

You’ve done a wonderful job making the future as envisioned by so many writers of the past come true. We have phones that talk back to us now and cars that tell us where to go. We have robots that clean our houses and televisions that have a third dimension. We can speak to someone face to face even though they’re on the other side of the world and we can even go to space on a whim. A good many of us walk around with a device in our pocket that contains the accumulated knowledge of five thousand years of civilization. You’ve done an incredible job with all of this. So I think it’s time we make the flying shit. 

I know what you’re thinking, “but what about whole meals that come in pill form?” I’m sure if you put your minds to it, you could invent those, too. But nobody really wants that. We like eating meals. You know what we don’t like doing? Not flying. So let’s make the flying shit. 

And you know what shit I’m talking about. I’m talking about anything with “hover” in it’s name. I know you can make it if you get to work. So go for it. Let’s make the flying shit. 

And, No, planes and helicopters are not the flying shit, so stop pretending like you already invented it. Too complicated. I’m talking about the flying shit any idiot can use. 

Medicine is great. So are computers. But surely we can spare a few scientists to work on the flying shit? Whoever was going to work on making radio better, let’s put them on the flying shit. Or the people working on making robots that look like people. We don’t need that, those only lead to trouble. Flying shit is a much better investment, long term. 

Read More

"And, NO, plans and helicopters do not count as the flying shit, so strop pretending you already invented it. Too complicated."