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The New Testament

God: Hey Jews.

Jews: Hey.

God: So listen, guys, I’m thinking we go in a different direction with this whole religion.

Jews: What?

God: You know, do a non-gritty reboot. Same God taste, new God packaging. That sort of thing.

Jews: We don’t follow.

God: Okay, work with me here, guys. Remember the whole “angry God” thing?

Jews: Vividly.

God: Where I killed a whole bunch of you and-

Jews: Yeah.

God: And forty years in the-

Jews: We remember that.

God: Not to mention Robo-Hitler. Yikes.

Jews: Wait, what?

God: Whoops, forget I said that. “Spoiler Alert,” am I right? 

Jews: …

God: Anyway, we’re going to re-work this whole “God” thing. For example, kid-friendly is big these days in religion.

Jews: So, like…?

God: For example, I’m super chill now, for some reason. Plus there’s a heaven. Oh, and this is Jesus. He’s my son, and he’s God too, or something. It’s complicated, ok?

Jesus: Yo.

Jews: I think we’ll stick with the old one here.

God: Look, I love the brand loyalty, Jews, I really do. But this whole “God” thing isn’t playing to the right demographics. Jesus is a hip, young God, you know, for the whole “A.D.” generations.

Jesus: Surfs up, dudes!

God: Ha, that Jesus. What a character, right? This is going to play huge in Rome…

Jews: This…goes against everything you’ve ever told us.

God: No it doesn’t, so just shut up. Also, Jesus, you’re going to die.

Jesus: What? I thought I was your son! Or God. Or both!

God: Look, this is just complicated, okay Jesus? Besides, you totally return when you fight the Devil.

Jews: Who?

God: Right, he’s another new character. He’s like an evil God. Plot twist, right? We’re arch enemies.

Jesus: Why would you make your own arch-enemy? That’s really stupid.

God: Shut up, Jesus. And what would you know? You’re made of bread and wine.

Jesus: What? Why?

God: Sponsorships, alright? New testaments aren’t cheap.

Jews: I’m sorry, this is just way too different. Is this your fan-fiction or something?

God: Of course not. This is the logical progression of Judaism which I planned all along. Like when I made all those references to a lamb. 

Jews: You made, like, five.

God: Well, they were all about Jesus. Foreshadowing. Um, I guess. So there.

Jews: Couldn’t you have been clearer then?

God: I work in mysterious ways, okay? Look, just go with it guys. I worked really hard on this. And come on, you totally owe me for the whole “creation” thing anyway.

(pause)

Most Jews: Well, I guess we could.

God: Awesome! “Most Jews,” aka “New Christians”-

New Christians: We’re what now?

God: You won’t regret this guys. I have the whole thing planned perfectly.

Holy Ghost: Oooooooooh!

God: …

New Christians: …

God: You’re going to love it.

The Adventures of God

I

God: Noah, all the people of earth are sinners. You alone are righteous.

Noah: Thanks God. Long time fan, first time prophet.

God: So, I have decided to smite the entire world with a flood.

(pause)

Noah: Couldn’t you just teach man goodness?

God: No. I’m thinking “flood.”

Noah: So you’d rather just kill every-

God: What part of “flood” do you not understand?

II

God: Moses…I have seen the plight of the Jews in Egypt.

Moses: Wow. Only after, uh, 400 years there, right?

God: Yes.

Moses: Awesome.

God: I will take you out of Egypt after ten terrible, terrible plagues.

Moses: …ten?

God: Is there a problem?

Moses: It’s just…ten is a lot. For, you know, God. Couldn’t you get this done in like, two plagues max?

God: No. For you see, Moses, I will harden Pharaoh’s heart against me.

Moses: So…you are going to stop him from letting us free from slavery.

God: Yes.

Moses: So you can bring more terrible, terrible plagues upon the people.

God: Yes.

Moses: And you see nothing wrong with this picture?

God: … 

Moses: Are there any other Gods up there I can talk to?



III

Mary: Did you send the child support?

God: Frankincense and myrrh. Yeah.

Mary  Annnnnd?

God: (sighs). And gold. And the gold.

Mary: That’s better.



IV

Job: …

God: Well, this is awkward.



V

God: Abraham, you must circumcise yourself.

Abraham: As you wish, my lord.

God: Oh my Me. He’s totally going to do it.

Watch —> The Tetris God

(Source: College Humor)

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