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Greetings, sir or madam,

Your current station in life has attracted the attention of the omnipotent rulers of the universe, us, the Illuminati. We would hereby like to invite you to join our order of infinite power. However, while we are inviting you, please realize turning down the “offer” is not possible. If you don’t join you will be sent to another dimension. A dimension where we have even more power and our invitations are even more threatening. We can do that.

You have undoubtedly heard whispers of our existence and deeds, but let us now reveal the true scope of our society. Every government power but one is under our command, and the one that isn’t is because we don’t want it. It can keep its banks, watches, and neutrality. We already have Switzerland.

The global economy is our plaything. Sometimes we flip a coin to determine whether or not coins should still have value. So far the world hasn’t had to deal with worthless coins, but statistically it’s only a matter of time before the arcade industry plummets. For you see, we can make any industry crumble at any given moment. You remember Beanie Babies, I’m sure. Due to us, they didn’t grow into Beanie Adults.

Click to finish: Congratulations! You’ve Been Invited to Join the Illuminati!

(Source: College Humor)

Dear Guy Eating Chips,

Sure. Have a coffee, a sandwich, a pop-tart, I don’t care, but Sun Chips? I don’t think you could have found anything worse to eat in a library, and it definitely doesn’t help that you chew like a fucking wood chipper. What flavor are they? I’d be pretty stoked if you just downed an entire bag of Sour Cream & Poison. I’m not sure exactly what Sun Chips bags are made of, but it’s no secret that they’re louder than an EDM concert. Plus, the chips themselves are fucking noisy. Don’t eat that shit in the library.


Dear Couple in the Corner,

It’s cute that you want to help each other study, but this isn’t the place to be sucking face. Most people are here to study or read a fucking book (a fucking book not a fucking-book. Put down The Kama Sutra). Not only that, but if you’re going to start yelling “Who the fuck is Kristen?” at your boyfriend whenever his phone goes off, try doing it at home or in the KFC bathroom where he got you pregnant. That way you won’t disturb others, and I’m sure the fact that you scream at him in public is probably one of the reasons he’s cheating on you in the first place. While you’re fighting though, could you tell your asshole of a boyfriend to put his phone on silent? Thanks. Speaking of which…


 

Dear Guy with the iPhone,

Not only do you have your phone on loud, but you actually have the “click” noise turned on for texting. Only douchebags have that sound on. We get it man, you have an iPhone. Congratulations, now put it on silent. Yes, silent. Not vibrate. I don’t appreciate the table subtly shaking every forty-five seconds because you’ve got some conversation important enough to interrupt your studies, but not so important that you’d actually leave. Honesty, why do you keep putting it back down? You might as well just keep the fucking thing in your hand. I asked somebody to watch my computer while I “went to the washroom” just so I could do a walk-by and see how much work you’ve done tonight. All that was on your screen was this.

Click to finish: Open Letter to the Most Annoying People Studying in the Library

(Source: College Humor)

Click to finish: Birds are Terrible Mailmen

(Source: College Humor)

Dear Liberal Arts Degree
I am writing to inform you that you are a liar and an asshole.As you are aware, I recently graduated from the fine institution of Sarah Lawrence College with you in my hands and a dopey expression of naïve optimism on my face. As I gazed upon you with a false sense of accomplishment, you whispered, “Don’t worry. I’m here for you. Go out into the world.”But I’m onto you, dickweed. You must have been in cahoots with the commencement speaker, because I left graduation feeling pretty damn special. In fact, I exited campus that day as confident as a Samurai. And do you know why I chose Samurai for that metaphor, Liberal Arts Degree? Because Samurai skills are pretty cool when you’re learning them, but are actually pretty fucking useless in the real world.Part of me is impressed by your trickery. You must have felt preeetty pleased for that time you convinced me that math classes were unnecessary. “Expand your horizons”, you said. “Become more well-rounded,” you said. Well, Liberal Arts Degree, thanks to you, I can barely add double digit numbers. Oh, if you have a moment, could you do me a favor and call up Wittgenstein? Because last time I checked, him and that Cambodian basket-weaving class I took a few semesters ago weren’t planning on paying for my rent.Oh, and remember that time we got a little drunk and you told me I had a “great imagination?” And that if “I can dream it, I can do it”? That was some real solid advice. Because you know what dreams and the imagination have in common? They both ONLY TAKE PLACE INSIDE MY HEAD. Though it is funny you said that, Liberal Arts Degree, because sometimes when I become bored, I imagine I’m Regis Philbin when he was still hosting Live! With Regis and Kelly. And last night, I had a startlingly vivid dream I was flying an elephant over the Charles River. But when I woke up, I was still waiting tables in my hometown.Oh Liberal Arts Degree, how did it come to this? We used to be so happy together. Sometimes I look back longingly on the first few years of college, when you were so charming and inviting and we got along so well—before I knew of your lies and deceit. If only I had listened to my parents, who warned me of your negative influences. If only I hadn’t cut off all of my hair because of you, and now people weren’t constantly assuming I’m a lesbian. If only I had known then that choosing a concentration in English led to one of two career paths. If only.But we can’t change the past, Liberal Arts Degree, and so you can go suck on one. I want you to know that I’ve not only moved on, but am in pursuit of something way more attractive. So get jealous, because it’s called a Master’s Degree — and although I’m not sure exactly how, it’s totally going to secure my future.Sincerely,Your Ex-LoverP.S. I recognize this is a bit of a touchy subject now, but do you think you could talk to your dad about sending me the email address of his friend, the screenwriter? I know it’s far-fetched but I’m really just trying to get my foot in the door. Thanks.

Dear Liberal Arts Degree

I am writing to inform you that you are a liar and an asshole.

As you are aware, I recently graduated from the fine institution of Sarah Lawrence College with you in my hands and a dopey expression of naïve optimism on my face. As I gazed upon you with a false sense of accomplishment, you whispered, “Don’t worry. I’m here for you. Go out into the world.”

But I’m onto you, dickweed. You must have been in cahoots with the commencement speaker, because I left graduation feeling pretty damn special. In fact, I exited campus that day as confident as a Samurai. And do you know why I chose Samurai for that metaphor, Liberal Arts Degree? Because Samurai skills are pretty cool when you’re learning them, but are actually pretty fucking useless in the real world.

Part of me is impressed by your trickery. You must have felt preeetty pleased for that time you convinced me that math classes were unnecessary. “Expand your horizons”, you said. “Become more well-rounded,” you said. Well, Liberal Arts Degree, thanks to you, I can barely add double digit numbers. Oh, if you have a moment, could you do me a favor and call up Wittgenstein? Because last time I checked, him and that Cambodian basket-weaving class I took a few semesters ago weren’t planning on paying for my rent.

Oh, and remember that time we got a little drunk and you told me I had a “great imagination?” And that if “I can dream it, I can do it”? That was some real solid advice. Because you know what dreams and the imagination have in common? They both ONLY TAKE PLACE INSIDE MY HEAD. Though it is funny you said that, Liberal Arts Degree, because sometimes when I become bored, I imagine I’m Regis Philbin when he was still hosting Live! With Regis and Kelly. And last night, I had a startlingly vivid dream I was flying an elephant over the Charles River. But when I woke up, I was still waiting tables in my hometown.

Oh Liberal Arts Degree, how did it come to this? We used to be so happy together. Sometimes I look back longingly on the first few years of college, when you were so charming and inviting and we got along so well—before I knew of your lies and deceit. If only I had listened to my parents, who warned me of your negative influences. If only I hadn’t cut off all of my hair because of you, and now people weren’t constantly assuming I’m a lesbian. If only I had known then that choosing a concentration in English led to one of two career paths. If only.

But we can’t change the past, Liberal Arts Degree, and so you can go suck on one. I want you to know that I’ve not only moved on, but am in pursuit of something way more attractive. So get jealous, because it’s called a Master’s Degree — and although I’m not sure exactly how, it’s totally going to secure my future.

Sincerely,
Your Ex-Lover

P.S. I recognize this is a bit of a touchy subject now, but do you think you could talk to your dad about sending me the email address of his friend, the screenwriter? I know it’s far-fetched but I’m really just trying to get my foot in the door. Thanks.

Guy is Ready for Love Unless There’s Fried Chicken
Shall I compare thee to KFC?

Guy is Ready for Love Unless There’s Fried Chicken

Shall I compare thee to KFC?

(Source: reddit.com)

The Church of Satan Has Polite Rejection Letters
"Our very best wishes go to you for satisfaction in your endeavors. HAIL SATAN!"

The Church of Satan Has Polite Rejection Letters

"Our very best wishes go to you for satisfaction in your endeavors. HAIL SATAN!"

(Source: reddit.com)

Child Leaves Threatening Letter about Computer Password
I’ve asked a handwriting analyst to look at this letter. He confirmed that this kid is completely insane.

Child Leaves Threatening Letter about Computer Password

I’ve asked a handwriting analyst to look at this letter. He confirmed that this kid is completely insane.

(Source: College Humor)


Postcard Writer Hates Oklahoma


This postcard brought to you by the Kansas tourism board. Kansas: Screw Oklahoma.

This postcard brought to you by the Kansas tourism board. Kansas: Screw Oklahoma.

(Source: College Humor)

You – and I’m referring to you, the one who just took the last slice of Domino’s pizza; you, the one who is licking melted chocolate off of your Snickers wrapper; you who couldn’t stop yourself once you tweeted where you planned on going to dinner, but instead informed us when you were on your way to the restaurant, when you were seated, and then when each course came (will you tell us what it’s like on the way out, too?).


"Have a Good War" Letter to Soldier


He also sent over enough cootie shots for the whole platoon, so give him a break.

He also sent over enough cootie shots for the whole platoon, so give him a break.

(Source: College Humor)

Where Skyrim Bugs Come From [click to keep reading]

Where Skyrim Bugs Come From [click to keep reading]

(Source: College Humor)

An Open Letter to That Guy at your Office »
Sex Letter to Neighbor
They don’t even live in an apartment. Houses are separated by miles in rural upstate New York.

Sex Letter to Neighbor

They don’t even live in an apartment. Houses are separated by miles in rural upstate New York.

(Source: College Humor)