Follow Us

CollegeHumor Staff Blog

The New Testament

God: Hey Jews.

Jews: Hey.

God: So listen, guys, I’m thinking we go in a different direction with this whole religion.

Jews: What?

God: You know, do a non-gritty reboot. Same God taste, new God packaging. That sort of thing.

Jews: We don’t follow.

God: Okay, work with me here, guys. Remember the whole “angry God” thing?

Jews: Vividly.

God: Where I killed a whole bunch of you and-

Jews: Yeah.

God: And forty years in the-

Jews: We remember that.

God: Not to mention Robo-Hitler. Yikes.

Jews: Wait, what?

God: Whoops, forget I said that. “Spoiler Alert,” am I right? 

Jews: …

God: Anyway, we’re going to re-work this whole “God” thing. For example, kid-friendly is big these days in religion.

Jews: So, like…?

God: For example, I’m super chill now, for some reason. Plus there’s a heaven. Oh, and this is Jesus. He’s my son, and he’s God too, or something. It’s complicated, ok?

Jesus: Yo.

Jews: I think we’ll stick with the old one here.

God: Look, I love the brand loyalty, Jews, I really do. But this whole “God” thing isn’t playing to the right demographics. Jesus is a hip, young God, you know, for the whole “A.D.” generations.

Jesus: Surfs up, dudes!

God: Ha, that Jesus. What a character, right? This is going to play huge in Rome…

Jews: This…goes against everything you’ve ever told us.

God: No it doesn’t, so just shut up. Also, Jesus, you’re going to die.

Jesus: What? I thought I was your son! Or God. Or both!

God: Look, this is just complicated, okay Jesus? Besides, you totally return when you fight the Devil.

Jews: Who?

God: Right, he’s another new character. He’s like an evil God. Plot twist, right? We’re arch enemies.

Jesus: Why would you make your own arch-enemy? That’s really stupid.

God: Shut up, Jesus. And what would you know? You’re made of bread and wine.

Jesus: What? Why?

God: Sponsorships, alright? New testaments aren’t cheap.

Jews: I’m sorry, this is just way too different. Is this your fan-fiction or something?

God: Of course not. This is the logical progression of Judaism which I planned all along. Like when I made all those references to a lamb. 

Jews: You made, like, five.

God: Well, they were all about Jesus. Foreshadowing. Um, I guess. So there.

Jews: Couldn’t you have been clearer then?

God: I work in mysterious ways, okay? Look, just go with it guys. I worked really hard on this. And come on, you totally owe me for the whole “creation” thing anyway.

(pause)

Most Jews: Well, I guess we could.

God: Awesome! “Most Jews,” aka “New Christians”-

New Christians: We’re what now?

God: You won’t regret this guys. I have the whole thing planned perfectly.

Holy Ghost: Oooooooooh!

God: …

New Christians: …

God: You’re going to love it.

The Adventures of God

I

God: Noah, all the people of earth are sinners. You alone are righteous.

Noah: Thanks God. Long time fan, first time prophet.

God: So, I have decided to smite the entire world with a flood.

(pause)

Noah: Couldn’t you just teach man goodness?

God: No. I’m thinking “flood.”

Noah: So you’d rather just kill every-

God: What part of “flood” do you not understand?

II

God: Moses…I have seen the plight of the Jews in Egypt.

Moses: Wow. Only after, uh, 400 years there, right?

God: Yes.

Moses: Awesome.

God: I will take you out of Egypt after ten terrible, terrible plagues.

Moses: …ten?

God: Is there a problem?

Moses: It’s just…ten is a lot. For, you know, God. Couldn’t you get this done in like, two plagues max?

God: No. For you see, Moses, I will harden Pharaoh’s heart against me.

Moses: So…you are going to stop him from letting us free from slavery.

God: Yes.

Moses: So you can bring more terrible, terrible plagues upon the people.

God: Yes.

Moses: And you see nothing wrong with this picture?

God: … 

Moses: Are there any other Gods up there I can talk to?



III

Mary: Did you send the child support?

God: Frankincense and myrrh. Yeah.

Mary  Annnnnd?

God: (sighs). And gold. And the gold.

Mary: That’s better.



IV

Job: …

God: Well, this is awkward.



V

God: Abraham, you must circumcise yourself.

Abraham: As you wish, my lord.

God: Oh my Me. He’s totally going to do it.

Watch —> The Tetris God

(Source: College Humor)

This Is What Happens When Truth Or Dare Goes Too Far.

Three girls reveal more than they thought they would.

Dear Kendrick Lamar, I cannot answer your dick-as-big-as-the-Eiffel-Tower prayer at this time. Please pray for something else. - God

Eminem - Rap God (Pug Version)

Will the real Slim Shady please poop outside?

(Source: youtube.com)

Jesus Quoting Yeezus

I Am a (Son of) God.

(Source: youtube.com)

Yay or Nay: Is God Made Up?

If he isn’t, may he strike down the person reading this caption where they sit.

I’m Ra, your RA
Alright, everyone, thanks for coming to the first meeting for 2nd Floor McCullen Hall! Yay! I’m your RA. My name is Amun-Ra, but you can just call me Ra ‘cause I’m chill like that. Let’s break the ice with a little “Two Truths and a Lie.” We’ll say two true things about ourselves and one lie, and it’s up to you to guess which one is not true. Got it? Okay. 1) I brought forth everything in creation by saying its secret name, 2) I have a falcon for a head, and 3) I’m lactose intolerant. What do you guys think…Wrong! It’s the second one. I have a falcon’s HEAD for a head, not a whole falcon. That would look stupid. That’s also a lesson about language. We all need to be sure that we choose our words carefully and keep communication open. That way we’ll all avoid conflicts. Also, avoid using “angry” words like “stupid” in public spaces. That was my bad, there. But that’s also a lesson about me. Sometimes I make mistakes too. I’m a student just like you! I also just happen to have some administrative disciplinary powers, and the power of flight. And the power to create and destroy with a word.Now, we’re all living in the same space, so let’s try to respect each other, okay? When it’s late, keep the noise down. I know some of you are going to want to party, but some of us will be studying, or sleeping, or preventing a giant snake from devouring the sun, so just keep that in mind. Party smarter, not harder.You can also find a basket of condoms on my door. Those are for you guys. And they’re free. I’m not your dad, except in the abstract sense that I created all of you, and I don’t care who you’re shacking up with or whose lettuce you’re jizzing in to establish dominance over them. Just be safe. Safety can be cool! Finish reading

I’m Ra, your RA

Alright, everyone, thanks for coming to the first meeting for 2nd Floor McCullen Hall! Yay! I’m your RA. My name is Amun-Ra, but you can just call me Ra ‘cause I’m chill like that. Let’s break the ice with a little “Two Truths and a Lie.” We’ll say two true things about ourselves and one lie, and it’s up to you to guess which one is not true. Got it? Okay. 1) I brought forth everything in creation by saying its secret name, 2) I have a falcon for a head, and 3) I’m lactose intolerant. What do you guys think…

Wrong! It’s the second one. I have a falcon’s HEAD for a head, not a whole falcon. That would look stupid. That’s also a lesson about language. We all need to be sure that we choose our words carefully and keep communication open. That way we’ll all avoid conflicts. Also, avoid using “angry” words like “stupid” in public spaces. That was my bad, there. But that’s also a lesson about me. Sometimes I make mistakes too. I’m a student just like you! I also just happen to have some administrative disciplinary powers, and the power of flight. And the power to create and destroy with a word.

Now, we’re all living in the same space, so let’s try to respect each other, okay? When it’s late, keep the noise down. I know some of you are going to want to party, but some of us will be studying, or sleeping, or preventing a giant snake from devouring the sun, so just keep that in mind. Party smarter, not harder.

You can also find a basket of condoms on my door. Those are for you guys. And they’re free. I’m not your dad, except in the abstract sense that I created all of you, and I don’t care who you’re shacking up with or whose lettuce you’re jizzing in to establish dominance over them. Just be safe. Safety can be cool! Finish reading

God is Baffled by Pomeranians [Click to finish article]

God: “Wait…that used to be a WOLF? What the hell is wrong with it?”

Mormon Dudes Can Ball

And on the third day God said, “Let there be ballers!” And there were ballers. And God saw the ballers, and it was awesome.

(Source: youtube.com)

Pastor Goes Off on His Congregation

Why shepherd your flock when you could ruin their day instead?

(Source: College Humor)

Pope Francis vs. The God Particle
In the name the sun we pray, amen.

Pope Francis vs. The God Particle

In the name the sun we pray, amen.

CollegeHumor's Favorite Funny Videos

God’s Boss Craig: Sponsorship

It’s an advertising campaign of biblical proportions.

Puritan Valentine’s Day Cards [Click for more]
For the person who makes your heart tremble almost as much as The Lord does.

Puritan Valentine’s Day Cards [Click for more]

For the person who makes your heart tremble almost as much as The Lord does.

TLDNR: Goddamn Cold and Flu Season [Click to read]
Streeter’s got some great old-fashioned tips that’ll improve your (spiritual) health.

TLDNR: Goddamn Cold and Flu Season [Click to read]

Streeter’s got some great old-fashioned tips that’ll improve your (spiritual) health.