Every email you’ve ever sent is wrong.
Click to finish: What Your E-mail Response Time Says About You
"Sorry I didn’t return your calls, honey. I was in Europe. What’s your excuse for being a bitch?"
How to achieve “Inbox 0” and likely lose your mind.
The Year 1971:
Two computer scientists, Ray and Vern, sit at two giant proto-computers set at opposite ends of the room.
Vern: Data received.
Both scientists look up at each other.
Ray: We did it. We sent a file from one networked machine to another.
Vern: We’ve invented electronic mail, Ray! We’re going to revolutionize the way people communicate!
Ray: Our names will be remembered forever.
Vern: You’re right about-oh, hey, I’ve got mail. What’d you send me?
Ray: Just read it.
Vern: Second email ever, right? Let’s see what we got here… it’s asking… it’s asking if I’m satisfied with the size of my penis.
Vern: Why did you send this? Why would you send me an email saying my penis is too small?
Ray: So you think it’s too small?
Vern: That’s not funny, Ray! These are the first emails ever; people are going to remember this stuff! Now in the future there’s going to be a museum exhibit about how small my dick is!
Ray: I… I’m sorry, Vern. I don’t know what came over me.
Vern: Look, let’s just forget about it, okay? We invented email. It’s a great day.
Ray: Damn right it is. By the way, I sent you those photos you asked for.
Vern: Well, thanks. I don’t remember asking for any photos, but oh my god, what the hell is this?
Ray: It’s a virus.
Vern: Why? Why are you doing this?
Ray: Uh, maybe because it’s funny? Don’t be such a n00b, Vern.
Vern: Don’t- what? We’re both newbies! We invented email five minutes ago!
Ray: Sorry, I’m sorry. Listen, let’s put all this behind us. Here, check out these hot XXXsluts I’m sending you.
Vern: I will check out these hot XXX sluts, but it’s only for research.
Ray: Nice, huh?
Vern: Well, yes. Two girls, wow. What are they doing with that cup of oh god oh fuck you, Ray. Fuck. You.
Vern gets up to leave.
Vern: We had a beautiful thing here, Ray. A beautiful thing that you destroyed.
Ray: Destroyed? My poor Vern. This is only the beginning. You think you can escape this by leaving the room? This is going to be everywhere. Everywhere! There’s no escape! LOL!
Vern: Did you-sorry, did you just say “LOL”?
Ray: LOL! LOL!
Vern leaves. Ray continues to shout “LOL" maniacally.
The Year 2015:
A grandfather finishes putting a small child to bed.
Grandfather: …and that’s the story of how e-mail was invented, and how five thousand years of language was reduced to a cheap slurry of half-formed sentences, pornography, and arbitrary aggression. Sleep tight, fucker.
Child: Fuck you too, grandpa.
Grandfather smiles warmly.
Grandfather: Die of AIDS.
How to achieve “Inbox 0” and likely lose your mind.
Which type are you?
I’m tempted to say this is the nerdiest thing I’ve ever written, but I don’t think that’s actually true.
IdioTech: “Kindle” Means “Book” in Jewish [Click for full post]
Welcome to Idiotech, the column where we shame your parents, teachers, and other old people for being dumb about technology.
My dad saw a story about a bus driver getting in trouble for reading a Kindle while driving. He though a Kindle was a book Jewish people read.
My mom just asked me if a web browser was the same thing as a search engine.
- Alex H
A couple weeks ago, my teacher assigned an essay due after the holiday break. She said that since she won’t see us for a while she would just “email us.” Today, she gave us all a handout with the topic written on it. The heading of the paper was EMAIL, followed by the names of all the people in the class.
- Maddie D
EMAIL us your own IdioTech stories to our Tumblr EMAIL INBOX.
Welcome to Idiotech, the column where we shame people for being dumb about technology. If you think you know someone even stupider that this, submit your story to our Tumblr inbox.
My 83 year-old great-great-great aunt just friended me on Facebook. She lives in a retirement village in Florida so under her “Activities” she put adult swim. It’s linked to [adult swim]. My great-great-great aunt is awesome.
When my mom wants to tell me something, instead of just calling me, she’ll send a facebook message, post on my wall, send the same information to all of my e-mail addresses, and then texts me to ask if I have received her emails.
My mom was disapointed with the lack of content on a dvd, so she asked me if there was more on the other side (if the disk was flipped over.) I Love You, Mom!
IdioTech: iPhones With Messaging Are Heavier, Obviously [Click for all]
I was showing my grandma how to use an iPhone yesterday. My grandpa already has one, so I figured it would be an easy thing for her to grasp. As she held mine, she said that mine was definitely heavier than my grandpa’s (we both have the 4…) I said no, that’s not possible, because we have the same phone. Then, straight faced, she said mine has to weigh more because it has messaging. Yeah.
My mom sends me messages on facebook, then texts me to tell me she sent me a message.
When I got my new laptop my grandmother asked me if I had downloaded my email onto it yet.
If your emailing delivery system protocol is up and running on this here Tumblr blogging blog then deliver it to our inbox. We’re always looking to add to our IdioTech column.
Well? Should you?