When you’re little, you THINK you know what being drunk is like, because of cartoons and comics and tv shows, but when you get older and start actually getting drunk on a regular basis, you eventually find out that your perceptions at age 10 were actually, well, COMPLETELY RIGHT:
1. You See A Lot Of Pink Elephants
Drinking too much always causes you hallucinate and see things that aren’t really there, including, most commonly, tiny pink elephants who can fly. It’s similar to the phenomenon when you’re really hungry and your friend’s head turns into a hamburger, only drunker and more elephanty.
2. Bubbles Float Out Of Your Head
When you’re drunk, 2-5 little bubbles will constantly be coming out of your head and floating around your general face area. Are these bubbles made of beer? Probably. But now everyone’s gonna see the bubbles and know you’re drunk.
3. A Lampshade Ends Up On Your Head At Some Point
Literally every single time you drink alcohol, the night will end with a lampshade on your head. Presumably, you will get so intoxicated, you will think you are the “Life of the Party” and yell “Hey look at me, I’m the Life Of The Party!” and take a lampshade and put it on your head to confirm this fact.
Finish reading What You Thought Drinking Was Like When You Were 10
Have you ever been kicked out of a bar at closing time but decided that you weren’t done drinking? fivepm is a hot new social network that will hook you up with other people who have alcohol and are willing to open their homes to your drunk, disjointed self. Never again will you have to go without alcohol for any period of time.
Finish reading The 8 Hottest New Start-Ups of SXSW 2014
Finish reading 5 New St. Patrick’s Day Cocktails for Secret Drinking
You might think you can’t have the appropriate amount of alcohol-induced fun when St. Patrick’s Day falls on a Monday, but you’re wrong. Here are some special drink recipes to help you booze the whole day through IN SECRET.
May you never have to wear a polo shirt in an official capacity.
May all alumni fundraising letters get sent to your old address.
May the old bands you go see never play anything from their new album.
May all your unplanned pregnancies be bluffs related to extortion attempts.
May your good grandma live longer than the bad grandma.
May your high school friends never invite you to Kickstart anything.
May the drive through guy mess up and give you free fries every time.
Finish reading 12 New Irish Toasts for St. Patrick’s Day 2014
Hangovers: the universal language.
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Finish reading The Official Drinking Game for Your Alcohol Intervention