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My Apologies to the Girl I Tried to Smell, and Others [click for others]
To the Worker at Home Depot:
I’m sorry that when I asked if you had fishing line, you asked me what I needed it for, and I admitted in a disappointed-in-myself voice, “It’s for a craft project.” First of all, can’t a girl buy a little fishing line in New York City without the third degree? Maybe I’m one of those guys fishing in the Hudson. You don’t know. You don’t know my life. Maybe I like Hudson fish? Fine. I don’t eat Hudson fish and maybe all signs DID point to craft project. Maybe it was my lost-child stare that said, “I don’t come here a lot.” Perhaps the contents of my cart (one cardboard box, two wooden dowels and a can of spray paint) didn’t add up to “home improvement project.” So what. I resent being pigeonholed. I resent being “read” mister, okay? And alsothankyousomuch you pointed me in exactly the right direction and my craft project came out so perfect, the girls at the coffee klatch just DIED! Continue
 

My Apologies to the Girl I Tried to Smell, and Others [click for others]

To the Worker at Home Depot:

I’m sorry that when I asked if you had fishing line, you asked me what I needed it for, and I admitted in a disappointed-in-myself voice, “It’s for a craft project.” First of all, can’t a girl buy a little fishing line in New York City without the third degree? Maybe I’m one of those guys fishing in the Hudson. You don’t know. You don’t know my life. Maybe I like Hudson fish? Fine. I don’t eat Hudson fish and maybe all signs DID point to craft project. Maybe it was my lost-child stare that said, “I don’t come here a lot.” Perhaps the contents of my cart (one cardboard box, two wooden dowels and a can of spray paint) didn’t add up to “home improvement project.” So what. I resent being pigeonholed. I resent being “read” mister, okay? And alsothankyousomuch you pointed me in exactly the right direction and my craft project came out so perfect, the girls at the coffee klatch just DIED! Continue

 

My Apologies to the Girl I Tried to Smell, and Others [click for others]
To The Girl on the Train I Kept Trying to Smell
Well, that sounds bad. I’m sorry. But the thing is this. I am in the market for a new perfume. I thought you had on a perfume that I liked. It turns out you didn’t. The scent I liked belonged to the man sitting in front of you. I’ll deal with my issues of wanting to wear a men’s cologne at another time and place. This is about the fact that I was wafting you for the entire trip from New York to Washington, DC. Wafting is an oft-unnoticed activity, but intimate nonetheless, and I feel the need to tell you that I did it. I wafted you, girl. I wafted you good. I was ultimately disappointed in the results, but hey. We gave it a go. We tried. Hope you had a nice trip. Me? Well. I’m still looking for my perfume partner in the sun. Smell you around? Continue

My Apologies to the Girl I Tried to Smell, and Others [click for others]

To The Girl on the Train I Kept Trying to Smell

Well, that sounds bad. I’m sorry. But the thing is this. I am in the market for a new perfume. I thought you had on a perfume that I liked. It turns out you didn’t. The scent I liked belonged to the man sitting in front of you. I’ll deal with my issues of wanting to wear a men’s cologne at another time and place. This is about the fact that I was wafting you for the entire trip from New York to Washington, DC. Wafting is an oft-unnoticed activity, but intimate nonetheless, and I feel the need to tell you that I did it. I wafted you, girl. I wafted you good. I was ultimately disappointed in the results, but hey. We gave it a go. We tried. Hope you had a nice trip. Me? Well. I’m still looking for my perfume partner in the sun. Smell you around? Continue

Flowchart: Are You Good at Following Flowcharts? [Click to find out]
Answer the pony.

Flowchart: Are You Good at Following Flowcharts? [Click to find out]

Answer the pony.

15 Things You Don’t Want Your New Roommate To Say [Click for full article]

15 Things You Don’t Want Your New Roommate To Say [Click for full article]

If Winter Break Advertised Like Spring Break [Click for full poster]

If Winter Break Advertised Like Spring Break [Click for full poster]

Every Haircut You’ll Ever Have [Click for full article]
Barber: Alright, how do you want it?
You: I’m going to tell you the same thing I’ve told you since I was twelve because I don’t really know anything about hair.
Barber: That’s okay, if I do something different, you wouldn’t be able to tell anyway.
You: Sounds good.
Barber: Now I’ll just inaudibly mumble something that sounds like it’s probably a joke.
You: Hahaha! I sure am trapped in this chair.
Barber: Does THIS look like a good length?
You: I can’t judge what a haircut will look like based on the tiny amount of hair your pinching between your fingers so I’ll just assume you know what you’re doing.
Barber: Good.
You: There’s hair all over my face, but for some reason it seems rude to ask you to brush it off. I’ll just sit here and contemplate the nature of itching and self-control. [Keep Reading]

Every Haircut You’ll Ever Have [Click for full article]

Barber: Alright, how do you want it?

You: I’m going to tell you the same thing I’ve told you since I was twelve because I don’t really know anything about hair.

Barber: That’s okay, if I do something different, you wouldn’t be able to tell anyway.

You: Sounds good.

Barber: Now I’ll just inaudibly mumble something that sounds like it’s probably a joke.

You: Hahaha! I sure am trapped in this chair.

Barber: Does THIS look like a good length?

You: I can’t judge what a haircut will look like based on the tiny amount of hair your pinching between your fingers so I’ll just assume you know what you’re doing.

Barber: Good.

You: There’s hair all over my face, but for some reason it seems rude to ask you to brush it off. I’ll just sit here and contemplate the nature of itching and self-control. [Keep Reading]

If Grown-Up Gifts Were Packaged Like Toys From Your Childhood [Click for full article]

If Grown-Up Gifts Were Packaged Like Toys From Your Childhood [Click for full article]

If Grown-Up Gifts Were Packaged Like Toys from Your Childhood [Click to continue reading]

Get excited for sensible presents.

Post Apocalyptic Gang Meeting

An Internet Christmas Carol [Click for full story]

The 8 Worst People of the Holiday Season [Click to continue reading]

Do they HAVE to keep playing Christmas carols EVERYWHERE I go. I GET IT!

10 Parts In Home Alone That Still Bother Me [Click for full article]
Home Alone is an absolute holiday classic and a cornerstone of many of our childhoods, but, like anything that I watched when I was little (then watched again 47 million other times including earlier today), there’s a number of parts that always bugged me.
5. Harry almost bites Kevin’s fingers off
Harry and Marv are career petty-thieves who meticulously scout and rob rich peoples’ homes, but then out of nowhere, Harry flips over to total psychopathy and decides he’s going to brutally maim a child? I mean, I get that he’s frustrated that he just got an ‘M’ burned into his hand-flesh for eternity, but still, killing a child is a sliiightly different echelon of crime than grabbing some rich woman’s angel figurines.
WHAT WOULD'VE HAPPENED IF THE SHOVEL GUY HADN'T INTERVENED? Would Harry have literally bitten Kevin’s fingers off while Marv watched?? What a moderately disturbing thought.
Here are the 10 Parts In Home Alone That Have Always Bothered Me

10 Parts In Home Alone That Still Bother Me [Click for full article]

Home Alone is an absolute holiday classic and a cornerstone of many of our childhoods, but, like anything that I watched when I was little (then watched again 47 million other times including earlier today), there’s a number of parts that always bugged me.

5. Harry almost bites Kevin’s fingers off

Harry and Marv are career petty-thieves who meticulously scout and rob rich peoples’ homes, but then out of nowhere, Harry flips over to total psychopathy and decides he’s going to brutally maim a child? I mean, I get that he’s frustrated that he just got an ‘M’ burned into his hand-flesh for eternity, but still, killing a child is a sliiightly different echelon of crime than grabbing some rich woman’s angel figurines.

WHAT WOULD'VE HAPPENED IF THE SHOVEL GUY HADN'T INTERVENED? Would Harry have literally bitten Kevin’s fingers off while Marv watched?? What a moderately disturbing thought.

Here are the 10 Parts In Home Alone That Have Always Bothered Me

Twas the Night Before Finals [Click for full poem]
Twas the night before finals, when all through the dormNot a person was sleeping, though that was the normEmpty Red Bull, iced coffee, and tash strewn aboutIn hope that some seeds of knowledge would sproutThe students were sitting uncomfortably at their chairsHoping thoughts of good grades won’t be met with despair. And my roommate in his pajamas, and I in my jeans Studied like monsters and wrote like machines.When from outside the building came such a racketI leaped up from my desk and put on my jacket. Out of the building I went in a hurry,My nose meeting smells of ramen, beer, and curry.The glow of the moon lit up the scene:Fog on two sides, with a man in betweenEmerging from the smoke with two hands outstretchedHolding red plastic cups? It seemed quite farfetched.Then, after a step or two to keep up his balance(He seemed to be under some sort of influence)I realized who the man in front of me must be!St. Procrastinate himself, it could only be he!Ambling towards me without a care at all,He saw my studious nature and seemed quite appalled“What are you doing, huh? Preparing for exams?Writing papers, doing projects, and trying to cram?”“Go out and enjoy your life, just learn to let looseTime spent in a library is time spent in misuse.Why bother studying with so much fun at your disposal?”He took a quick sip of something, and began his proposal: [Keep Reading]

Twas the Night Before Finals [Click for full poem]

Twas the night before finals, when all through the dorm
Not a person was sleeping, though that was the norm
Empty Red Bull, iced coffee, and tash strewn about
In hope that some seeds of knowledge would sprout

The students were sitting uncomfortably at their chairs
Hoping thoughts of good grades won’t be met with despair. 
And my roommate in his pajamas, and I in my jeans 
Studied like monsters and wrote like machines.

When from outside the building came such a racket
I leaped up from my desk and put on my jacket. 
Out of the building I went in a hurry,
My nose meeting smells of ramen, beer, and curry.

The glow of the moon lit up the scene:
Fog on two sides, with a man in between
Emerging from the smoke with two hands outstretched
Holding red plastic cups? It seemed quite farfetched.

Then, after a step or two to keep up his balance
(He seemed to be under some sort of influence)
I realized who the man in front of me must be!
St. Procrastinate himself, it could only be he!

Ambling towards me without a care at all,
He saw my studious nature and seemed quite appalled
“What are you doing, huh? Preparing for exams?
Writing papers, doing projects, and trying to cram?”

“Go out and enjoy your life, just learn to let loose
Time spent in a library is time spent in misuse.
Why bother studying with so much fun at your disposal?”
He took a quick sip of something, and began his proposal: [Keep Reading]

An Internet Christmas Carol [Click to continue reading]

Scrooge is getting used to some new technology.

REGRET EVERYTHING: Santa, You Are Wasting Your Life [Click for full article]
Dear Santa:
Here is my annual letter, sent in the very unlikely but still possible case that you actually exist. As I state every year, please consider changing careers. I suggest either taking over the post office of every country in the world, or perhaps running a spy agency, or founding a year-round toy manufacturing center. As it stands, you are wasting your life.Your current vocation — giving gifts to the children of the world once a year — frankly creates more harm than good. It certainly sounds like a noble mission. However, in execution, there are severe limitations. You favor families of the western hemisphere, mostly of a Christian heritage, and of those primarily the wealthy ones. Speaking candidly, you’re a right-wing capitalist Bible nut, and I fear you are fanning flames of jealousy and partisan hate. But I’m not here to lecture. Your politics and religious views are your own. Besides, you’re clearly a man of enormous talents and I think you could better help the world while also still honoring your child-centered consumerist moral agenda.The ability to visit every home in the world on a single night means you could easily take over the post offices of every single country on Earth and improve it. I’m sure I don’t need to remind you the value to society of a well-operating information infrastructure (Lewis Mumford’s theories of urban development, etc). [Keep Reading]

REGRET EVERYTHING: Santa, You Are Wasting Your Life [Click for full article]

Dear Santa:

Here is my annual letter, sent in the very unlikely but still possible case that you actually exist. As I state every year, please consider changing careers. I suggest either taking over the post office of every country in the world, or perhaps running a spy agency, or founding a year-round toy manufacturing center. As it stands, you are wasting your life.

Your current vocation — giving gifts to the children of the world once a year — frankly creates more harm than good. It certainly sounds like a noble mission. However, in execution, there are severe limitations. You favor families of the western hemisphere, mostly of a Christian heritage, and of those primarily the wealthy ones. Speaking candidly, you’re a right-wing capitalist Bible nut, and I fear you are fanning flames of jealousy and partisan hate. 

But I’m not here to lecture. Your politics and religious views are your own. Besides, you’re clearly a man of enormous talents and I think you could better help the world while also still honoring your child-centered consumerist moral agenda.

The ability to visit every home in the world on a single night means you could easily take over the post offices of every single country on Earth and improve it. I’m sure I don’t need to remind you the value to society of a well-operating information infrastructure (Lewis Mumford’s theories of urban development, etc). [Keep Reading]