10 Things the NSA Knows About Me

For those of you who don’t know, the NSA or National Security Agency has been secretly collecting phone records of millions of Americans, which is about as evil as the building that they’re based out of looks.

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1. I still say “I love you” to my mom. 

2. I’ll only call a pizza place if it isn’t on Seamless. 

3. I’ve accidentally said “I love you” to someone I’ve ordered a pizza from. 

4. Restaurants on Seamless sometimes want verbal clarification of what I meant when I wrote “:-)” as a “special instruction.” 

5. Any call I’ve made to someone that isn’t answering the phone at a pizza place or woman that gave birth to me only lasts long enough to make it look like they missed my call. 

6. People who deliver pizza have a difficult time finding my apartment and often need directions. 

7. I love trailing off as I sift through all of the crap my brain actually remembers to try and recall how to get to my apartment. 

8. I won’t answer the phone if I don’t recognize the number and I haven’t ordered pizza. 

9. I probably won’t answer the phone if I recognize the number. 

10. I don’t love talking on the phone.