Me - I believe my 3.6 GPA, Spanish club presidency, and overall friendly demeanor make me the ideal candidate to run the world’s largest economy and military. People say I’m like really easy to talk to. If elected president, school will run on an “as needs” basis, marijuana will be legal, and Thursday will become a government-funded “Free Sundae Day.”
Mickey Mouse - The area now known as Disneyland used to be a collection of low-income housing projects, ridden with unemployment, gang violence, and drugs. When Mickey came along to establish Disneyland, he created a truly modern city with a bustling tourist economy. Who says he can’t do the same to America? He has promised to fund a commission of highly efficient wizards to replace doctors, thus, eliminating the need for healthcare. Furthermore, he will save endangered species by turning Montana into an Animal Kingdom, and fight China’s growing economy with unicorns. Sure, he can be criticized for Disneyland’s growing obesity problem, but would you rather have an obese nation wearing festive hats or a healthy one without unicorns? Think about it.
President Josiah Bartlet (from The West Wing) - Bartlet promises to distract you from pressing issues with his epic speeches while said issues work themselves out by serendipitous acts of luck or coincidence. Also, he will defend himself against any critics with awesome zingers.
Penis - I think penises are funny. I want my president to be funny, like Reagan. If these two are true, then penis = president. What will the penis do in office? Draw more dicks all over stuff, making congressional hearings lot more fun. Also, congress = boobs.
(Image courtesy of CNN)