A Cover Letter Written in the HR Rep’s Exact Thoughts About Every Cover Letter

To Whom it May Concern:

I am writing to express my interest in being another sheet of paper that you skim. Due to my palpable lack of marketable skills, I am confident that I can make myself completely forgettable in the space of a few paragraphs. You will see that I am highly capable of this. I have two bachelor’s degrees. I’m sure that the following embellishments of my misspent life will make you want my sweaty, unfit body to be near yours in an office every weekday for many years. LOOK AT ME! Are you looking at me? Good.

Now I’m going to start lying about being good at the position you are offering. I will begin by making a completely empty statement by saying that I think I can be a valuable member of your team. I saw “Remember the Titans” twice in theaters. What a team they were, huh? That’s just one example of the empty logic I am employing in order to pass off my substandard abilities as the exact qualities of a desirable candidate. Additionally, I have extensive experience using computers, often for web games and porno. Ergo, I can meet the challenges of this tech-savvy position because, for the purposes of this cover letter, all computer skills are the same computer skill. And did you know that I went to college? That’s probably where I learned to waste people’s time.

I have also interned at several places. I spent the bulk of those internships thinking about mentioning them here, to you. Wow, I can’t believe I haven’t used the word “qualifications” yet. Oh shit, here it comes. I have many qualifications:

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(Source: College Humor)